The Big Moment
There comes a time when enough is enough
Date: 6/9/2006 11:50:56 AM ( 15 y ) ... viewed 2330 times
I guess it's been about a year ago...working with a corporate company in agressive sales, suits everyday, surrounded by men, one of the few females in this position, SELL, SELL!!! "We're doubling your quota" "Gotta make more calls" Performance meetings.....ya know the drill. Working all day Saturdays, Working 'til 7 & 8pm at night. Pressure. First thing I wanted to do after work was go to a bar, have some cocktails to wind down, and be served a rich red meat meal prepared for me because I was too mentally exhausted to cook at home. But oh, I don't want to go sit by myself, let's get a friend to meet me. Friend joined in, drank with me, then sometimes we'd go out to the bars afterward on the weeknights. This quickly and easily became a daily habit. As I sit here writing this out, just thinking about it and remembering makes my hands shake at the keyboard. The whole time I was doing this I was also subconsciencely beating the crap out of myself with guilt. It was a work hard play hard vicious cycle I didn't know how to stop nor did I know I was so heavily involved with. This went on for about two years and my guilt got the best of me. For about 8 months I debated with myself to walk away, but what would my family think? What would my friends think? The notion of walking away embarassed me as I interpreted it as failure. I can't be a failure in the eyes of all those around me. This mind debate got so bad I couldn't even face work anymore, especially when I was partying my butt off everynight to get away from it all....like w/ Calgon, right? Ha! So I finally made the decision to WALK. It was a reallly really big big decision for me. I was scared of the unknown going forward. I remember the morning I was to tell my boss. I'd been avoiding him for about a week. He walked in my office and sat down and said, "what's up?" I told him, "well, I'm sure you know I've been avoiding you." He said yes with curious eyes. Now the tough part....when I say this to him, it's going to actually be real. I paused and reconsidered. Then I just went for it, "I think you know I'm unhappy. I think you're a great person with a great company, but let's part ways and be friends always." Holy shit, what'd I just do? I watched his every move with his body language. Is he going to sue me for my contract? Is he going to blow up? Is he going to walk me to the door right now and kick me out? But surprisingly no, he did not. Though he himself was a slave to this corporate crap, he also had a heart. Long story short, I still talk to him to this day and he made it to where he didnt make me feel guilty for my decision. Probably the biggest sense of relief of my life in my eyes.
I was elated!!!!!! Even my friends who didn't yet know of my departure would ask me, "you seem so happy and upbeat! whazup?" I can't describe the euphoric feelings I was going through. I made a decision to take a whole year off from work and it felt freakin great! So what'd I do? PARTY TIME. I could now party at nights and not feel so guilty about it, right? Well, for a time, that's exactly what I did. Still searching for something. Searching for that fulfillment I still was not somehow getting. That was about a year ago and I'm still in that search. The good news is that now I'm attempting to take a real hard look inside while I continue my hiatus which I believe was delivered to me for just this reason. Onward I journey.......
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