An abuser, like a malignant narcissist/sociopath, has no use or understanding of what "love" is.  In the World Of Abuse, if they say it, then it is so - just as all of their fabrications, overblown flatteries, and promises to improve are spoken and are, therefore, true.  In the World Of Abuse, "love" exists only as lip service, and no more than that, even where children are concerned.  I used to believe that the former abuser was such a "good" father, but what I failed to recognized was that I was filling in the gaps for the former abuser.  By that, I mean that I was so immersed in Stockholm Syndrome that I believed that any absence of abuse was an act of kindness.

There was recently a very succinct response on one of the forums that basically stated that "love shouldn't hurt."  No truer words were ever spoken or written - love is something that isn't hurtful, mean, cruel, or damaging.  When an abuser tells their victim(s), "I can't live without you," or, "You're the only one that understands me," or, "You know how much I love you," and other empty assertions, victims respond because they believe that they are valuable to their abusers.  The only value that the victim has for the abuser is as a possession, only.  The abuser does not feel "love" in the true sense of the word, and only seeks to control and destroy what they perceive as either a weakness (trusting individual) or a quality that they will never have, themselves (honesty, joie de vivre).  In my case, my family was middle-class, fun, recovering, and my parents enjoyed status and social acceptance - everything that the former abuser never had and wanted, desperately.  The former abuser came from a horribly abusive environment where nothing was more valued than wealth and status, and he deliberately chose women (before and after me) who had a healthy income, a strong sense of "self," and a strong sense of empathy for others.  The former abuser used pity as a lure, and sex as the bait, and his tactics never changed over the years after I left him up until his death.  He chose women who were "Southern," because he believed that women of the South were raised/trained to "take it and keep smiling."  He chose women who were intelligent and had healthy finances.  He chose women who were Christian because he could lure them in with a false display of piety, and snag them with illicit sex - "if you love God, then you'll love ME with everything that you are, and everything that you have."  Nothing that the former abuser ever did remotely resembled an understanding of Great Creator, and his interpretations twisted, warped, and perverted any sense of spirituality that existed between the two of us.

Not being able to "live without" someone is a very potent, powerful concept - it suggests that I had so much value to the former abuser that he couldn't bear the notion of living without me.  What a crock of shit!  I know that, now, but when I was a young adult, I thought that it was the most flattering remark I'd ever heard!  This concept is the most typical abuser trap - to flatter a victim target to the point where they have a false sense of value to the abuser.  And, it works.  This concept works on people (women AND men) who are struggling with self-esteem, self-worth, and an overabundance of empathy, and it works even after the victim is secured and realizes what a mistake they've made in choosing their partner. 

For me, the assertion that the former abuser couldn't "live without" me fulfilled this fantasy that I would be The One to help this poor soul realize his true potential and find personal  healing and growth through me.  It also fulfilled a fantasy that rabid, passionate lust was really the basis of a lifetime partnership with a respectful companion.  I literally had no concept of domestic violence and abuse, sociopathy, narcissism, or the fact that there exist human beings out there who are not serial murderers and walk among empathetic humans that intend to inflict damage upon the empathetic humans for their own entertainment.  I literally could not concieve the concept that there are, indeed, human beings out there who do not feel remorse, pity, kindness, or empathy.  And, this was my downfall - my own ignorance and fantasies about what "love" truly was. 

So, the moral of my story is that excessive flattery and placing the burden of one's happiness upon the shoulders of another person is a huge, screaming, flapping RED FLAG.  Today, if someone tries to feed me a hefty dose of FLATTERY (not compliment, but flattery), I walk away from that person without a backward glance, regardless of whom it might be.  Beware of flattery - it is designed to feed that Acceptance Monkey, and it is something to be aware of as a lure to source targets and victim targets!

Brightest blessings!

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