|
No Contact
What "No Contact" means and why it's vital.
Date: 6/7/2011 6:34:15 PM ( 13 y ) ... viewed 42716 times When we sever a relationship with an abuser, we often exit under strained circumstances fully believing that we are the ones who are crazy. Ending any relationship with an abuser is fraught with complications, whether the relationship was platonic or romantic. If the abuser is a family member, ending the toxic relationship is even more difficult as abusers routinely make a huge fuss over blood being thicker than water and how "family" ALWAYS supports and forgives.
"No Contact," or NC, means exactly what it says and is one of the hardest exercises to practice to effectively cut an abuser out of our lives, for good. Maintaining NC is difficult simply because the abuser has so warped our sense of self-worth that we don't want to "hurt their feelings," or demonstrate any "disrespect" to them even though they have lied, cheated, stolen, had affairs, destroyed us financially, abused us on every level, and have punished anyone who has interfered with their sense of power and control. Going NC is difficult especially when children are involved and the Court orders visitation which then requires the former victim to interact with the former abuser.
In the case of domestic violence and abuse of a spouse, it is imperative to hire and/or retain an attorney who is well acquainted with domestic violence and abuse. Such attorneys often work pro bono in representing victims of domestic violence and/or abuse and can be located by contacting your local domestic abuse hotline (found in the phone book in the Gov't pages), or by contacting http://www.ndvh.org.
The importance of having strong legal counsel cannot, and SHOULD NEVER, be underestimated. When going NC, your attorney will speak FOR you to either the former abuser or the former abuser's attorney.
NC also means that a former victim may need to change their phone number, email address, and possibly move without leaving a forwarding street address - a P,O, Box may be acceptable depending upon how far the former victim thinks the former abuser might go. In my case, once I left, the former abuser walked a very thin line always within the parameters of the Law. What he did was to stalk me, then refuse to communicate about the well-being and needs of our children.
NC means allowing your attorney to do their job and that the former victim does not, under ANY circumstances, respond or reply to voice mails, emails, text messages, written notes or letters, and that all identified phone calls from the former abuser are ignored and go unanswered. NC must be maintained religiously and without faltering. Giving in to contact with a former abuser opens a nasty, steaming can of worms that enables and actually encourages the former abuser to go to any lengths to reclaim their lost property (former victim).
Even when children are involved, asking the Court to designate a neutral location and unbiased party to retrieve and return children is not overreacting - many former victims are assaulted (and, sometimes murdered) during visitation exchanges in front of the children.
NC also means possibly severing ties with mutual friends and in-laws. The former abuser has managed to con indirect victims into believing that the former victim was nuts, and these people will often be sent as ambassadors to speak on the former abuser's behalf. Because I had kept the level of abuse in our relationship so well hidden, friends, neighbors, and even family were shocked that I had apparently gone off my rails and left. These people tried talking "sense" to me so that I would return to the former abuser - even with this opportunity to disclose the truth, I remained silent as any truthful disclosures would likely have been met with skepticism, suspicion, and blame. NO CONTACT means just that - no discussions about the separation with anyone, especially if there are grandparents involved. Isolating children from their grandparents is not a healthy choice for the children, the grandparents, or the former victim UNLESS the children are being dragged into the fray by angry family and friends who are either truly ignorant of the abuse, or are in denial. The best suggested response to anyone (including children) who has the bad taste or disregard for boundaries to either inquire about the relationship issues, or to attempt to get the couple back together is simply this: "I'm not going to discuss my private issues with you and this topic is NOT open for discussion."
NC takes is the second step in nullifying the former abuser's dominance and control over their victim after the first step of exiting the environment is accomplished. Through strong counseling, the former victim will learn how and why NO CONTACT strips the former abuser of their perceived power and will be a catalyst to propel the former victim firmly onto their healing paths.
Going NO CONTACT requires a strong commitment to self-preservation, as well as a crystal clear understanding that the former abuser is ONLY "former" as long as the new Survivor does not return to the abuser, no matter what he/she promises or assures. The new Survivor will have to grasp the concept that the abuser is responsible for his/her own actions and that the new Survivor does not have the power to "fix" whatever is wrong with the former abuser. We can only control ourselves, and giving an abuser any form of acknowlegment is a grave error and will just prolong the sense of dependency and helplessness.
Brightest blessings!
Add This Entry To Your CureZone Favorites! Print this page
Email this page
 Alert Webmaster
|
