"Soulful, all of your posts seem so negative and bitter.  Why do you even post, at all?"

My posts may seem bitter and negative, at first glance.  But, what I am hoping that readers get from my own experiences are facts and Truths that may educate them, and give them courage to either end the cycle of abuse in their own relationsip(s), or to make themselves availalbe to someone that they know who is enduring an abusive relationship. 

My words, while seemingly bitter, are frank, open, honest, and utterly Truthful.  Most people tend to confuse speaking truthfully with maintaining a negative demeanor.  If we speak truthfully, there is no loophole for misinterpretation, nor misrepresentation, and this exercise helps human beings to avoid setting themselves up to be "source targets" or victims by others.

I keep writing, "If I got out, so can you," and I mean it.  I was so brainwashed, terrified, terrorized, and dehumanized that it took every ounce of determination that I could muster to even make the decision.  It was a 2-year process to plan and execute my exit strategy, and I made some grave, serious errors.  Because of my foolish mistakes, I paid emotionally and financially, and my children paid in ways that I can't even described.  I write about my experiences so that others may learn from my triumphs, but also from my stupid mistakes.  There is a method to exiting that can be safe, healthy, and healing for victims, and the first step is to call the situation what it is:  abuse.  Because of the continued stigmas of domestic violence and abuse, men and women still are unwilling to step forward and end the cycle because they fear the unknown, as well as ridicule by friends, family members, coworkers, law enforcement, etc.  I write in an effort to validate those fears, and (hopefully) put them to rest. 

If readers met me in Real Life, they might be surprised as they got to know me.  I'm not bitter, though I'm still pissed because I can see the affects that a lifetime of neglect and abuse have had on my sons.  As I've mentioned, the eldest is a diagnose sociopath, and the youngest is a "perfect victim."  I'm not angry, though I'm still disappointed in my Self that I didn't see the red flags, that I remained in that environment, and that I have allowed myself to be targeted by others in business ventures, and friendships.  Guess what?!  These issues will be with me for the rest of my Life, and I'm choosing to learn new techniques to manage these issues, and the triggers that they cultivated. 

Blogging about my experiences is also a method of personal healing.  By laying it on the line, getting it "out there," and speaking Truthfully about what I experienced allows my soul to shed some of the burden of those horrible events.  It's been roughly 30 years since I made my fateful choice to marry an abuser, and I have to say that if it hadn't been him, it likely would have been someone else.  I had set myself up to be a victim by neglecting boundaries and failing to realize that real "love" is something far deeper than rabid sex.

Today, I'm working on many aspects of my Self that require immediate, lifelong attention.  Physically, emotionally, and spiritually, I'm trying to do the hard work, every day, and blogging is one of the things that assists me in that endeavor.  Often, when I'm writing an entry, I have moments of self-realization and recognition of my own sins during that time, and up to the present.  I am not a perfect person, nor do I live a perfect life.  I am frought with foibles, frailties, and terrible faults, but I am working to manage those as each day dawns, anew.  Each day is another opportunity for me to learn, grow, teach, and step closer to that universal light of Truth and Peace.  There was a time when the dawning of each new day represented one more day of terror - one more day of wishing myself dead.  Today, each day is a blessing to be embraced with joy, peace, and Truth.

If you're reading these entries and recognize that you're living in an abusive environment, regardless of the type of abuse, please, please, PLEASE, stop the cycle and save your Self.  Things will never, ever, ever get better.  The abuser will never, ever, ever seek help to change himself or herself.  The abuser's promises are empty lures to keep their hooks in their source targets.  The abuser does not, by any stretch of the imagination, "love" you - they only "love" the terror and fear that they can inflict upon you.  You do not "love" the abuser - you "love" a fantasy that will never, ever, ever be realized.  You have options, even if children are involved - use them, right now, today, immediately.  Don't wait for "something to happen" to give you a good reason to get out, stay out, and heal your Self.  If you're afraid to leave because you feel that the abuser will kill you (and, any children involved), remaining only gives the abuser MORE power, control, and delight in terrorizing you.  If you don't think you'll make it on your own, keep in mind that I was able to do it, so anyone can - it took a long time for me to start generating some self-confidence, but it did happen, and I did land on my feet, and I did choose to help myself.  Don't wait for someone else to do this for you - you can save yourself, your children, your life, and your soul because you are valuable, precious, and unique in the whole World, and you have something important to do in your lifetime!

www.ndvh.org

www.stoptheviolence.org

Brightest blessings!

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