Day 29 of my post Water Fast by Sacristia Blog entry

Blog: My Health Journey
by Sacristia

Day 29 of my post Water Fast

My daily Journey to a healthier life style

Date: 12/27/2010 3:42:26 PM ( 14 y ) ... viewed 39288 times

December 23, 2010

I had a surprise text at 3:00 a.m. In the morning from Phil. I was already up because I fell asleep early and I have always had a tendance to wake up several times during the night, specially when I am alone. He texted me that he was lonely and wished I was with him to hold him, as he hates this time of year. He was just staring at the ceiling. It WASN'T even a week, since he has lived in his own place and he was lonely! I couldn't believe it. How selfish of him. I almost texted him back and said “Yeah, it is horrible isn't it. Know you know how I felt for a year and half, laying in bed alone, while you were out playing pool at all hours of the night” But as loving as I am, I told I am sorry he was suffering with it. I asked him if he wanted to come over for a little bit. He worried about working in the morning. I told him it isn't his problem to worry about. He came over acting like the old Phil that I used to know. One that wanted to spend time with me. The one that talked to me and laughed with me. It wasn't until I thought about it later, that I saw something else in him that I didn't see before. I saw a lonely little boy that just wanted to be loved. So we just held each other and talked like old times. He told me that he was really disappointed that we had been able to work out better then we did. I didn't say anything because what was I suppose to say to him. I guess I didn't want to ruin the moment. He only stayed for about two hours, as he started relaxing, his OCD set in and he worried about leaving the fireplace on at the house, where he left his 14 year old son, PJ. He asked me if I would get upset if he left. I told him no. Part of me knew that he just needed human interaction and once he got his fill, he would leave and ignore me once again. It was funny because he texted me around 3:45 p.m. To tell me that him coming over probably confused things between us since we were just friends now. I wanted to laugh at him. I told him I wasn't confused about anything at all and he wasn't to worry. I realized how selfish he was about covering his own bases so that he wouldn't feel guilty or bad about making me think we might work things out. I realized that in the year and half he was with me, that he didn't learn or realized that I was there for him and I loved him. All he did realized is that he could count on me to comfort him when he had no one else. He didn't see it probably as anything other then that. Do I regret allowing him to come over. No. It was lovely to see him. I was able to hold him close and saying little prayers over him, like I used to do when we were closer. Regardless on what happens between us, I want him happy and emotionally healthy. I would have loved to have him as the boyfriend, that I grew to love 4 years ago, when we dated for a year and half previous to this situation. We went out on dates, held hands, kissed, joked and watched TV together. It is funny that when he was standing in my living room at 3:30 a.m., he had the same look of the man that I still love then and still do now. Maybe that is one reason, why I held him so tight and made sure that he wasn't lonely. But I realized that unless he showed me more then what I was getting. I deserved love, respect, quality time and a best friend and, I would never open my door again to him unless I could get that from him. I could not push aside my needs just to provide needs to him. He is too selfish to see that. Maybe that is why I am stronger then him in many ways. Yeah, he lost his daughter and is raising a child as a single parent, but I have sacrificed my time and my needs to make sure that the needs of those that I love got what the needed. I gave Phil my attention and my time over the last year and half and I didn't get even a quarter back on what I gave. Maybe that is why I cried after he left, because I was left still feeling hollow after spending time with him. It was because it was about him and nothing about me at all. He didn't come to see me. He came over just to feel better because he had no one to hold him. It wasn't about me. He didn't miss me like I missed him. That is why I won't allow him over again. Sigh, and it will hurt over and over again until I deaden the pain of a broken heart.

I am a bit nervous about eating out with my office today. We are going to a nice restaurant, called American Bistro in Delaware, Ohio. I have never been there and this will be the first restaurant trip since I under took my first short term water fast, which started October 31st, 2010. I guess I am a little nervous, because I have been eating so well, and watching what I have been putting into my body, that I think I will be a little edgy regarding not knowing what additives and other stuff could be added to my meal, what ever I choose. I also realize that this is our office's Christmas Luncheon, so it is also a time to relax and enjoy the generosity of the office for the wonderful meal. I must remember that my health is important, but I should not take it to such an extreme that I don't enjoy the simple act of having a Christmas lunch with my employers and my fellow secretary. I guess that is what my mother was kind of worried about. That I might get so caught up in counting my calories, and watching what I eat that I become some type of extreme food regulating anorexic. I have read about it how counting calories can cause or trigger a person to live a very anorexic lifestyle by restricting food in their lives. I guess that is why I have been watching my calorie count to make sure that does raise up to a decent number. I don't wake up in the morning and decide how many calories that I am going to eat. I just want to make sure that I am not eating like 3,000 calories (which at this point seems highly unlikey unless I eat tons of meat, cheese and other foods like potato chips, etc) in a day, when my metabolism is probably still very delicate from my past fast. I kind of wish that I could look into my body and see inside of it to see how it is doing in regards to how my fat is burning or even tell how my metabolism is doing, as if they were little tiny men working to use my calories that I eat to run my the rest of my body. LOL. I am not afraid to eat food. I guess I am a little concerned about what I might eat at the restaurant and then what I might eat on Christmas day on Saturday, when it will be my last solid food day before a water fast. I guess I will have to make sure that I eat a lot of leafy greens on the 24th of December (as I still have a lot of Fresh Express Spring mix to eat!)

Wow Christmas Luncheon was definitely a cheat, cheat day with my healthy lifestyle on! It was a lovely restaurant and the stuff on the menu looked great, and it was kind of hard for me to figure out what I wanted. I ended up getting a steak, like the others as it is one time a year in which I can get what I want and not have to really worry about the price. I got a ribeye steak. I can't remember if it was a 10 ounce or what, but it came with 4 stalks of asparagus and french fries (since it was still lunch time. We were able to get steaks, but it was the only thing we could get off the dinner menu. We all got a salad, which I was happy I was able to add a salad to my meal. I am sure the salad I added wasn't the greatest, but then again it was Christmas and it is also a time to enjoy one's self a little bit. I got a half of a Greek salad. When it was brought to me I said “This is half of a salad?” It was huge! At least it for for me. I had to say that it was at least 4 cups of salad there. I hate to see what the full salad looked like. It had cut lettuce, cucumbers, tomatoes, olives and Feta cheese. I told myself that I would not try to calculate how many calories the salad as I am sure it was at least 300 or more calories. Feta cheese is 190 calories for just half of cup. And 10 medium Green olives are 70 calories. At least my olives were sliced in half, so it might have been 10. I only ate about a cup and a half, at the most 2 cups, as I had my steak coming as well. The one attorney mentioned that I didn't eat all my salad. I told him that if I ate all it then I wouldn't have room for my steak. Out of the 3 people with me, only one attorney finished his salad. The other secretary and the other attorney left some salad on their plates as well like I did. But I was the only one that left about half of it. I loved my asparagus, which I was expecting it, since we were told that we would be getting french fries. That is one reason why I was happy to have some sort of veggie with my steak. The steak was good, I left a good half of it, as well as my fries. I was getting full. I haven't felt this full in a long time. I calculated that my steak was at least 600 calories and my fries were at least 350 calories. My asparagus was about 12 calories. I easily consumed 962 calories, not counting the half of salad that I ate as well. It gets worse, because I was full in standards that I was happy with, then the one attorney ordered us all crème brulee, which I had no idea what it was, since I have never had it, but I didn't like the sound of it as it sounded rich and fatting. When it came to me, I realized it was a custard and it was fattening. I was happy to see the fanned sliced strawberry on top of it though. I ate it all, which I probably shouldn't have. It was very good. I was telling my friend, Cecila, what I ate at my luncheon. I told her about the crème brulee, she told me that I probably didn't want to look up the calorie intake until next year. She told me that “You definitely had a cheat cheat day” When I got home, I looked it up in my little calorie counter book that I have been using for the last month of so. It is The Calorie King Calorie, fat & carbohydrate counter. The crème brulee was 460 calories for a serving! What I could judge, I was giving a serving, which was the first out of anything other then the asparagus I was giving. The salad, the french fries and the salad were much more then just a single serving. LOL Ouch! I consumed over easily 1682 calories in one meal! That should have been my intake for the whole day.

I took the rest of my food home later and ate it around 6:00 p.m. For my dinner. It still have very good the 2nd time around. So tomorrow, I will be eating salads and other veggies to make up for the high spike in calories. I guess that is what I wanted anyway, to up my calories in the next couple days. Then again, I didn't want to spike it so high in one meal. I should have gotten chicken or just a salad.

FOOD INTAKE:

BREAKFAST (around 9:30 a.m.) Half of grapefruit (53 calories)

DRINK: NONE

SNACK: None

LUNCH: (around 1:00 pm.) (Christmas luncheon at 1808 American Bistro) Half of a Greek salad (lettuce, cucumbers, tomatoes, halved greek olives and feta cheese) half of a medium french fry, 4 spears of asparagus and half of a ribeye steak (ate half of everything, but the asparagus and took the rest home) TOTAL CALORIES: (unknown – possibility 1, 682 calories)

DRINK: A cup (coffee cup) of tea and a bit of water (at the restaurant)

SNACK: NONE (too full)

DINNER: (around 6:30 p.m.) Half of a Greek salad (lettuce, cucumbers, tomatoes, halved greek olives and feta cheese) half of a medium french fry, and half of a ribeye steak TOTAL CALORIES: (unknown – possibility 1, 670 calories)

SNACK: NONE

TOTAL CALORIES FOR THE DAY: possible/approximately 3,405 calories

EXERICISE: 2.1 miles walking around at the office and the house. I didn't play the Wii today.

WATER INTAKE: about 12 ounces

WEIGHT: 134 pounds