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Day 26 of my post Water Fast
My daily Journey to a healthier life style
Date: 12/21/2010 2:11:35 PM ( 14 y ) ... viewed 15296 times
December 20, 2010
Last night was a bit harder for me. I struggled to get into some routine, but I found myself wandering around my home with really no reason last night. It was so very hard. I didn't clutch Phil's blanket or pillow, so I could smell him, as I did yesterday and cried. I know if I did that it was just torturing myself and that isn't healthy. It was much harder when I thought I heard the front door close more then once. I moved his blanket and his pillow off to the side, so I wouldn't be tempted to smell it and cause me to get too emotional and text him that I missed him.
My bedroom seems so empty without the Trundle up to make it a full bed. I don't know how many nights, I would glance over and see Phil sleeping. Now it is just empty space and it is so very hard for me. I don't know how many times I have walked in the my guest room, to see how empty it is now, with the left over things that they didn't take: a solitary glove, a scrap of paper with PJ's writing on it, the leather belt, a penny, a recent newspaper. I haven't moved anything in the room and honestly I don't know when I will. I was planning on moving my couch back into the living room, but now I don't know if I will ever want to. At least not until the memories are long gone and dead.
I haven't heard from him. I didn't expect to, but he did tell me weeks ago, that it might be a couple weeks, since he will be so happy to have his own place, that he will just want to enjoy it for a while. I really wonder if he will contact me, or that was just an excuse.
I guess due to this, I have had to acknowledge the visible reality that I am extremely insecure on how I fit in a person's life. I guess that is why I tried to spend time with Phil, as I felt that I wasn't important to him. Thinking about it, the only person I feel secure with is my best friend, Christy and sometimes my mother. With my friend, Christy, I know that she accepts me as I am, all my weird little quirks, my insecurities and flaws. My mother accepts me, because I am her first born and only daughter.
I know that I wasn't a perfect girlfriend. I know that I did things wrong, but I tried and tried to do things that were right all the time. I tried to make time for “us” and do little things that would bring a little bit of happiness to him. I tried to give him quality time, and at times I tried to do things as a act of service. I didn't have a lot of extra money to give him gifts, but I did once in a while. I tried to give him words of affirmation, such as I love you, but the last time I said it he said that he would take those simple words 4 difference ways and it confused him. I was so puzzled on how he could be confused on me saying “I love you” I hadn't been very good at physical touch with him in the last couple months, as anytime I tried, it hurt me more when he rejected me. So sometimes at night, I would watch him settle down to sleep and wonder if I should snuggle up to him. I wanted to snuggle up to him, but so many times, he just wanted to be left alone. I couldn't hold his hand or kiss his cheek around his son, as it was against his rules, as he didn't want to confuse his son with it, especially since he saw us arguing at times. So the only place I could show him affection was the bedroom, which was hard for me, as I am an affectionate person and when I have to hold back like that it makes me frustrated/confused/lonely because it shuts off a true part of myself.
Oh well.
My mother asked me if I was relieved that he was gone. I told her “ I didn't know. I just didn't know” In some way, I could see how eventually I would in way. All my dishes are done, and there isn't a pile of them to do all the time. My utilities will go down. Toilet paper will last longer. But, I wouldn't have minded at all, if Phil would have helped around the house or even was a bit more affectionate to me. Maybe if he showed me loved me a bit more then he did, then all my frustrations would have been canceled out. I was frustrated that he said he loved me, but his actions didn't show it much. I was confused on how we both wanted this chance to live together to work things out and build upon our love, yet it seems that I was doing the building, and trying, while he just wanted me close when he had an issue with his heart or felt lonely. Yet, he couldn't see how lonely I felt all those nights, he was busy playing pool or hanging out with his friends until the early morning hours. I don't know how many times I cried myself to sleep at night, wishing he would come home and hold me while watching a movie together, instead of playing pool. I didn't see him a lot during the day, because I was working, yet I didn't see him a lot at night either. For a while, I starting staying up until about 2:00 a.m. so I could be awake when he came home, but a lot of time, I fell asleep and missed it. I was at loss with what I should have done or what I could have done to make it better for “us”
Sigh
I haven't opened my Bible yet. I moved it from my living room to my bedroom and back into living room, as I had planned reading a little bit of it yesterday, but didn't. I really tried to keep myself busy yesterday and I didn't want to be home very long, unless I was going to bed.
I realized something this morning as I was updating my blog entry for the day before. My late night snack yesterday (11:30 p.m. snack) was close to emotionally eating, as there was no reason that I would have to eat that late. I can't say that I was starving. I know that I was a little hungry and it was maybe more to preoccupy my mind in its emotional state. I was alone and unhappy and I needed comfort. I wanted comfort and I believe that eating something soothed that and I didn't realize it until this morning. Do I want to admit that it was emotional eating? Not really, but I can see it for what it was and that I should not make it a habit. I think a part of me, wanted some potato, as I haven't had any potato in a while (not like the processed cheesy potatoes I had during the week). I really haven't had much as of starchy carbohydrates like bread, potatoes and pasta, so I didn't think it would hurt too much, as long I don't eat tons of it, as well as especially load it on late at night. I still don't know how delicate my metabolism is from my water fast. I know that it can take up to 6 weeks for my metabolism to regulate itself after a water fast. I am going on my 4th week so I think I am doing good. There is just nothing to read up or articles on post fasting diet, other then what to eat to break your fast. Nothing about how to handle it weeks after it. I guess that is why I am documenting my journey, so then I can always look back to how I handled it and how my body handled me.
I heard from him. Nothing like “Hi, loving my new home or anything”. Just to say that a funny thing happened to him when he had a new bed delivered to him and the guy that delivered it, was the guy that came to the house looking for the laptop while he was in Florida. He said that guy told him something totally different when what I told him. I only stated that we thought we got past that issue months ago. He only responded by saying that he did, but the guy brought it up and it kind of shocked him. I just told him that I didn't know what to say. He only response was “You don't have to say anything” I wanted to ask him if “everything was okay with us” but I didn't. My insecurities were rearing their ugly head and I ached to ask him, but I just buried them, wondering if I was doing more damage by saying nothing. I really wish he would see how much I do care for him.
When I got home, I was at loss on what I was going to do, since it was just me now. I tried very hard to set up some type of routine. I popped my cabbage rolls in the oven and decided to make a delicious soup, since it was so cold outside. I also turned the on the TV and finished playing How the Grinch stole Christmas (the Jim Carey one) and watched Adam Sandler's 8 Crazy Nights while I cooked. I threw together a wonderful vegetable soup with two Potatoes (one large and one small) some sliced carrots from my bag of veggies (yes, I robbed them from the bag, like I did the snow pea pods. LOL) 6 green beans (cut up) ½ cup of corn and a ¼ of a head of cabbage. It was seasoned well and it made 5 cups of soup, as I made it in one of my smaller cooking pots. It was nice to sit down for my dinner. The cabbage roll was good, but there was something missing from it. Maybe not enough carrot, as well it might need a little bit more something to go with the beans. The soup was excellent, it was hot and delicious. It was hit the spot. I couldn't help myself and ended up eating 3 bowls (a cup each), but I didn't see the harm, as what I was eating as well, I calculated it was only 106.8 calories a bowl
The breakdown of my soup:
2 potatoes (1 large and 1 small) washed, and diced with skins on (345 calories)
1 cup of sliced carrots (52 calories)
½ cup of frozen corn (77 calories)
5 green beans cut up (10 calories)
¼ head of cabbage, sliced (50 calories)
The seasonings I added: Lots of garlic and herb, rosemary, basil, thyme, oregano, minced garlic, ground up mixed peppercorns and couple of splashes of Worcestershire sauce.
I boiled the potatoes first so it could prime the herbs/seasons into broth and watched them closely, so I could put the rest of the veggies, minus the cabbage when the potatoes were half done. I put the cabbage in in the last 10 minutes. I believe that I cooked the soup up in about 35 minutes if not a little bit longer. It was very delicious and spicy I realized afterwards that I could have added a cup of tomato sauce to make the broth a bit more flavorful.
Total calories:534 (approximately 5 cups of soup) (106.8 calories per cup)
It really wasn't too bad at all, but I am sure people used to junk food or even processed stuff would not have liked it.
I found myself enjoying cooking, even thought it was very simple. I think by cooking or even preparing my own dinner/breakfast/lunch, I developing a good relationship with the food that I eat. I don't think that it is possible to do that when things come out of box or you purchase your meal from a fast food bag. I know what I am putting in my body, as well as I know where it is coming from.
I did noticed last night that the fat on my legs are gone. I mean that I can't pinch (my upper thigh) anything on them, as they are in the majority of being muscle now, unlike before when I could pinch it, as it was fatty. It makes me feel good about it, but some reason Phil moving out is robbing me of truly enjoying the healthy living that I have been doing. It would have been nice to hear something from him like“Wow, you are looking good' but that would mean that he would have to care about the healthy change I have under went. I have noticed that I can move much better then I could when I weighed 155 pounds. Being only 5”1' and weighing 155 pounds, my BMI (body mass index) was 29.3 was almost putting me in the range of obesity, which is 30 and higher. At the time, I was just overweight, but I am glad that I took charge and decided to change that. My current BMI is 25.3 and I am still under the overweight listing (overweight: 25 to 29.9), but if I keep it up, then I will fall within the normal weight index.
I knew that I was unhappy with the weight I gained, but it is true that only one person can change it. And it was me. If I wanted to be happier about my weight and my life, then I was going to have to do something about it. One thing is that it wasn't going to happen over night. It took work and perseverance. And if I wanted it bad enough, then I was just going to have to do something about it. Was it easy? No, but the only drive that I did have, is that I wanted to more active then I was as well as I didn't want to feel so sluggish walking up the stairs or even doing something simple like cleaning my house. So I took small steps: starting eating healthier foods, and stop snacking of fattening foods, exercising little by little, until my body could handle it better.
I believe that a lot of people want a quick fix with their weight problem. Well, think about it logically. Did you gain all the weight yesterday? No! So why do people expect to lose all the weight tomorrow then. It is impatience. I have learned that anything of worth is gained over time. I didn't gain my college education in one day or even a week. Did I want it that quickly? Yes, I did, but I realized if I truly wanted it, then I was going to have to keep at it, pace myself and overcoming my impatience regarding it. It is the same with losing weight and learning to develop a healthy lifestyle. I guess one reason why I have keep up on my blog is because I see so many other people start a blog, only post three entries and then after that, there is nothing. Most of them are outrageous blogs like “90 day water fast”. It is almost like they are setting themselves up for failure by raising the bar so high that they can't reach it. I guess that is one reason why I didn't label my blog particularly, as because it is a journey of my health. It has a bit of water fasting, it probably will have a bit of juice fasting. It is full of what I am ingesting as my food intake and some recipes that I am using, so I can see how (so where in the future) honest and real I am being with myself with this walk, and can show myself all the hard work I did to achieve a healthy body. So far, I think I have like 50 like entries to my blog. That means that I have been plodding through with my commitment for less then two months. It is a good start. I learned in college that a person needs to do something continuing for 2 weeks to make it a good habit or a routine and well it took repeating something no less then 7 times to make it long term memory. It helped me immensely when studying and learning while in college. I have incorporated particular things like packing my lunch, cooking/preparing my meals and exercising a little bit.
I might have to step it up a bit, once I get to my goal weight, which is 110/115 pounds, as there will be no reason to lose weight, but only to keep healthy. I will have to find other healthy things to do to keep me active. I will have to look into what my next step of health will be, after my post Christmas water fast. I am sure that I will have an easier time of following the post water fast rules, as I have laid them into practice already in this blog.
FOOD INTAKE:
BREAKFAST (calories) ½ cup of bean stew (approximately 65 calories)
DRINK: 12 ounces of Oolong Tea ( consumed over 4 hours)
SNACK: None( I was hungry, but I was a little to busy to get to peel an orange. LOL)
LUNCH: (1:00 p.m.)A ½ cup of bean stew (65 calories) and a cup of steamed veggies (eggplant, green beans and zucchini (approximately 60 calories) TOTAL CALORIES: 125 calories
DRINK: I started drinking my 18 ounce of Oolong Tea but I didn't finish it.
SNACK: A couple of honey roasted peanuts from my little container of a serving size (approximately 79.5 Calories as I only ate half of my serving size but not all of them which would have been 159 calories)
DINNER: One bean/carrot stuffed cabbage roll (approximately 55 calories) a 3 bowls of homemade veggie soup ( potato, sliced carrot, green beans, corn and cabbage) (approximately 320.4 calories) Total Calories 375.4
TOTAL CALORIES FOR THE DAY: 644.9
EXERICISE: 2.34 miles, walked at work and around home (cleaning, etc)
WATER INTAKE: None
WEIGHT: Unknown
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