Hard Time. But starting 3 1/4 Day Fast Tomorrow by Lauray Blog entry

Blog: Lauray's New Fasting Day Count
by Lauray

Hard Time. But starting 3 1/4 Day Fast Tomorrow

Struggling to commit to post-fast light eating plan, 600 cals. per day

Date: 12/9/2008 6:22:47 PM ( 16 y ) ... viewed 2315 times

The most important thing about this fast is that after it, I have to eat ONLY 600 cals. per day for 3 full days.

I really need a firm plan and commitment to do this.

I have been through a hard time these past 2 days.

I am going to write about it so that someone else can read it and be reassured or know s/he is nto alone.

I am not scared of the fasting process. I am only scared of consoring controlling people who are themselves 'scared' (really, just vicious/controlling) (I am referring to f*ckers on the water fast forum ([and, now, it seems on general fast forum. which actually terrifies me. My only venue for the sharing that I NEED to do, that is my only way -- is I fear being taken away.

I was also violated/raped on water fast forum just today or yesterday. I posted anonymously and one of the primary food rapists there beat/raped me -- addressing my anonymous post by my name.

Also on this forum a young girl was food-raped, the other day. She posted desperately seeeking help to fast and was foodf***ed by one of the moderators who sat there and screamed at her that she was Wrong and basically needed to be force fed. I can't even state what I need to state moderately and make it clear I so want to fight against this kind of reactionism. I so want to indict those who engage in it. This kind of reaction to my own urgency to fast has actually broken and shattered my life. I am not even slightly exaggerating. I want to PROVE this sort of reaction is ALWAYS SO HARMFUL. God, I am furious.

I have started, it seems, to be attacked on the general fasting support forum, too, leaving me with no real venue to self-express honestly and openly inteh way I need to. maybe I could go to intermittent fasting.

I really need to post about what has happened to me the past 2 days. But I am too tired right now. I just feel discouraged.

I should focus just on doing the 3 days of 600 cals per day post fast after this 3 1/4 day fast which starts tomorrow. I am pretty much resigned to misery and compulsive overeating (again, not huge amounts, it just is brutalizing my fragile system to have any food at all right now) until tomorrow morning, when the 78-hour fast begins.

I feel miserable, alone, selfish, and down.

It does help to write this.

I could try and think of what to eat for 600 calories. OK. Saturday middayI could have, let us say, honeydew melon. I think it is 8 calories per oz.
I wonder if I should require myself to eat a certain amount of less-triggering food BEFORE the melon. I could require myself to eat a bag of baby greens (liek 12 calories or whatever it is) and alfalfa sprouts and other extremely low-caloric foods, first. However, to do that is also to stuff oneself. And I would NOT be able to stop after the greens and forgo the melon until my body was ready for more food.

Tomatoes may be the answer: having a meal of tomatoes and forgetting about the honeydew melon. These are 6 cals. per oz. The only thing about tomatoes is they are hard on the system, in a way. They are very diuretic and I am capable of eating so many of them that I get an electrolyte imbalance of sorts - that is what it feels/seems like.

Sometimes it seems like one "has" to eat in a way that "placates" the parasitic bacteria in one's colon, if one would preserve comfort/peace. But I know this is not true! I am talking about the urge that made me eat an apple today AFTER my lunch was finished (I am in pain) instead of a tomato. You see- the tomato would have bloated me more, I feared; while the apple injected this sugar into my system ... the thing was that after the apple was finished I was in a triggered state! I wanted another apple! Even though the first apple hurt me, bloating me somewhat. .. I did NOT have the second apple. ... The entire process of eating the brunch in the first place, and THEN addign the apple to the plan (it was OK, since I was subtracting its calories from dinner, but still.) was HORRIBLE. It was so humiliating and it was such a self-violation. I am really sad about it and demoralized, humiliated. It was such a disgusting, addicted, humiliating experience. It was life-killing. It prevented me from doing my art. God, please deliver me from this food addiction. Please; you have answered my prayers and I know you hear me. Please help me. Please make me gentle. Please be gentle with me and loving.

The way these cravings/bacterial-based compulsions to eat work is not well understood. I can only observe that high-fiber foods will bloat you sometimes -- but I really believe this does NOT mean you should not eat them. The high-fiber. lower-sugar foods ... Sometimes , SOMETIMES, a higher-sugar food will satiate the cravings; but, all too often, it will only trigger you more and send you on to eat more sugar. I think this is the inevitable result of giving in to sugar cravings... a "sooner or later" result, unavoidable. Sometimes you can get away with it, but I think the only real, true, safe policy is to eat a NONTRIGGERING a food as exists, if you are having a craving to eat when eating is not OK with you. This means eating alfalfa sprouts in case of cravings. Yuck! How can I ever resign myself to such a thing? The first step is to write about it.

I still need to examine my ambivalence about abstaining from all my instances of compulsive overeating. I need to establish my meditation practice in order to make this self-examination. Right now I am too tired to address the problem and I am too scared.

Maybe I can make a little start here. I will go away from this page/task for a bit and come back to it. Maybe I will just publish this much and set up a new page and come back to it.

Lauray