DAY 27: Successful 3-DAy FASt; Progress Against Overeating/Bloating by Lauray Blog entry

Blog: Lauray's New Fasting Day Count
by Lauray

DAY 27: Successful 3-DAy FASt; Progress Against Overeating/Bloating

Working to stay sober in between fasts, some progress.

Date: 12/6/2008 6:35:58 PM ( 17 y ) ... viewed 3338 times

I need to sit down and work out how to stop eating when eating is not OK with me.
This is the source of all my bloating, all my symptoms, and all the destruction in my life.
The resistance even to looking at this is vicious.
I don't want to hurt myself.
I want to respect my wariness. My wariness says: there's something a little scary about this. I am scared that if I actually start pushing away the food when eating is not OK with me, I will paradoxically be forced somehow into being fatter than I want to be.

I do not have the ability to examine this thought right now.

I am scared about my life. I am having a pretty hard, empty, lonely time. Saying this releases me a bit and brings the feeling of tears.

I am tired and ragged. I am having some self-image and self-esteem problems. I have been succeeding with fasting!!! This is the main thing. I am succeeding in changing my ways!!! I am getting well. But I am really alone in this. And I am neglecting some things. Basic self-care is OK, but I AM TOO MUCH ALONE. God, please help me. I know you are there and see and know me. Please help me by sending me real friends, whom I really like. Please tell me what to do to stay in a mode of healing my life. Please help me. I am crying as I write this.

Worst first: I ate cashews today -- 1000 cals. of them at once. I had been supposed to be off unsprouted seeds/nuts this week. So not OK, in retrospect. -- and am actually bloated from them. It's afternoon, and I have to wait SO LONG before it will be OK with me to eat again. The temptation is to do an enema and thus enable myself to eat more -- since I feel "entitled" after fasting 3 days and then eating quite lightly 2 days after that.

I AM having success NOT using an upcoming fast to justify overeating/enema-enabled overeating right now. I say this -- but am I? The temptation is right here, right now, to go do an enema, and then "get down" with more food, in the intention to fast my 3 1/4 day fast very soon. I would think of this as "eating up" before the fast. I would think of this as somehow justified. I justify it with the book "Tissue Cleansing for Bowel Management, which sets out a program of enemas before each meal. N.B. the meals are actually SMALL. My meals are not small. i can't stand the thought of sitting down to a small meal. I have to get stuffed.

... I think I am not REALLY hurting myself with the slight, even enema-enabled heavy eating in advance of a fast; and I think a fast is beneficial no matter what you do before and after. You won't succeed in a fast unless you approach it fundamentally healthily, and the fast compels you (often painfully) to do the right thing by your body afterward. BUT: here I am and I can make a BAD choice -- enema and food-fix, and ruin my evening, and make food the total focus of my whole self; make myself into a drug bleep, and empty, substance-focused, spiritually, emotionally, mentally dead person. Or I could make a PAINFUL choice: refrain from eating; stay with my determination to respect my body some more days. Hah -- the BAD choice is so appealing as to be irresistible. I don't have the strength to make the RIGHT, PAINFUL choice.

I mistrust this RIGHT choice. I doubt whether my life will really get better if I make it? I can't examine myself now, as I say.

I don't want to sit down now and say to myself, OK, I will start my 3 1/4 day fast soon, like in 2 days; now let me enema myself and eat as much as I can for 3 days (within the food plan, of course). I don't want to do this. But I can feel myself doing it. I can feel myself thinking this. I AM thinking it.

The best thing I can think of for right now is to do God knows what so as to keep myself out of the food, until tomorrow morning; and then ... I'll feel entitled to eat some huge quantity again, but at least I would have waited to do so, and not taken an enema. I was going to say also: I could use tomatoes. I could just eat tomatoes the rest of the day today. My bloating is decreasing now. I think I allotted 1800 cals. for today.

I do KNOW that cashews are NOT OK ANYMORE. They are a total binge food. I am clear on that. They are not honoring to me. They force me to eat more than is OK with me. So they are OUT. .... OK. WHat is the solution -- what food can I use -- if -- when -- I am compulsed to eat and all the nontriggering foods are going to bloat me (immediately as opposed to later)???? .. I thought: I could use unsprouted sunflower seeds. These are better, less triggering, than cashews. And they are a SPROUTABLE seed, a truly potentially living thing... so they are a step in the right direction... hey, maybe

My justification for eating 1000 cals at once this a.m. was that if I ate like 600, I would spend the rest of the day tensely fixated and anticipating the remaning "entitled" 600 cals. for the day, which would necessarily be eaten late at night, since it would not be until late that my body would become ready for food. Then I would be up late.

I still have not succeeded in getting into a super-early to bed super-early to rise mode and meditating 4 hours in the a.m. before everything else (especially before eating). But I have got to keep trying to get into this early mode and got to keep trying to meditate, I think: or, rather, not "meditate --" painful sitting in knee-hurting posture -- but go through in concentrated awareness a great stillness practice and self-awareness practice, & do yoga etc. Like, self-massage, then sitting --- I do have to do some sitting; MAINLY sitting, in fact; just: how to do it GENTLY?

It seems I am in a pattern. Fast 3+ days; then some days of really careful, self-respectful eating, and it's good, and no bloating, or no bad bloating. But then I start to bloat. Then I get scared and frustrated. I take enemas. I eat

Now, enemas are not all bad. Actually they make me sober with respect to food. They lift me out of the state of compulsion. They make ne NOT binge. And they relieve the stranglehold of anxiety.

I guess my goal should be to postpone the enemas as long as possible and keep eating SO lightly and self-respectfully as long as possible after fasts; then, when things break down, set a start day for the next fast and commit to that.

I should have a self-record to make sure I am making progress.

I am lost and am in a bad place to concentrate.

What am I to do?

OK. I ended my 3-day fast (!!!!) on Wednesday. It is Saturday. God, I could start my next fast NOW, and it would be totally healthy. It certainly is much easier to think of just eating a big meal like now and tomorrow morning and then fasting again, and I really do think that would be healthy. But... I feel an insecurity having fasts so close together -- or, REALLY, I just want to eat lots for a few MORE days.... Hey. I should not be eating LOTS at ALL. I do not mean "lots." But, you know, honestly, I do mean to eat, enabled with enemas, more than my body can really handle. i do mean to violate myself. This is not OK with me, but the misery of respecting myself is more than I can handle. NOW, HOW CAN I COMMIT TO SMALL MEALS AND SMALL AMOUNTS IN A DAY??? I do NOT want to be in a mode of eating lots and then fasting because that is WAY too insecure. I am NEVER certain of my ability to fast.

So I need to commit to some new food rules. God, I am overwhelmed. I have got to do so much and work so much out. I have got to make this priority one in my life and I have got to meditate 4 hours each a.m.

I do resent my therapist, whose sour, self-indulgent, passive-rageful refusal to speak has hurt and abused me for so long now. She has totally intimidated me and destroyed intimacy and I am totally unable to really explore what is going on with me, with her. I worked on this today but her f***ing mind f*** is so f***ing vicious. She rapes you and then screams when you confront her and she denies doing ANYTHING and she holds you frightened of losing the relationship if you protest. it sucks. More work to do here. I did good work yesterday and today but it is SO f***ING ANNOYING to spend these sessions all f***ing about HER!!! What the f***???!??

I am getting to feeling like working on my novel. I have got to DO that!

I have to plan my next fast. When was I thinking of starting? Start 5/6 am on a day -- then fast till midday 3 days from then. Ok. It was going to start, like, tomorrow, so I am fine. Not "going crazy" . f***ers in my had screaming at me for 'fasting too frequently' GOD f***ing please deliver me from them already!!!!!!Maybe I will start Monday. ... I have to work and compromise with myself a little bit. I have to allow for like 1400 cals a day, relatively heavy eating, enema-enabled if necessary. Then comes the fast and I get a little bit more healed from the need to engage in this sort of behavior. And after the fast I stay self-respectful, super-light-eating, and enema-free foe a little bit longer than I have THIS time.

I'd like to make food plans for sat, sun and mon. including enemas and -- really plan on functionality ... just accommodate myself. Just commit, OK, I am going to do this, now let me stop worrying about it and just plan on the food and the enemas and plan for doing WORK in between times.

But I am not willing to do work. I need to be nicely gently coaxed and convinced -- and no, even then I may not be able to do work. I am sad. I AM NOT WILLING TO DO WORK. I am scared by the thought of work. The bloating of the cashews has left me depressed. What the hell am I supposed to eat. Oh God. Am I officially in fast-prep mode now? Am I back on enemas now for the time till my 3 1/4 day fsat? God, please help me. God, please most of all help me actually do the healing when it is time to do the healing. That is the hardest, hardest part. I am getting tears. This feels relieving. I have a structure now (fast [which is sobriety]; few days sober i.e. super-light eating; then, fastprep mode of enema-enabled eating)but it needs to be progressive to full and real healing. I need, as I say, to stay sober longer after each fast. ... EAch fast WILL be longer than the last. THat much is certain. I just have to really get to some way to be really sober all the time.

I am going to go on line again. I want to post this: general fast support forum. I think I have got to, just out of self-respect -- having been raped and annihilated and actually barred from water fast f*cker forum. I guess I will post there again under diff. name or something. Too chaotic to think where I am -- this office. Going now.

Lauray