Re: Is it ever ok NOT to forgive someone?

I too have had issues with my mother and the way she interacts with myself, wife and kids. I also am almost completely estranged living almost on opposit ends of the country. I realize many of the things that have happened over the years are a combination of her weaknesses and my own actions. Part of her weakness is making herself completely subservient to my sister, who for reasons of gaining all the family money controls her 100% and turns her against me and my family.

It's a shame because I have 2 handsome talented 13 yo twin boys who are good and well mannered kids, a blast to be with, both precocious musicians and honor students at school. She'll have nothing to do with them on the advice of my sister, and her only other grandchild is said sisters daughter who is unattractive, obese and ill mannered - but the "good" one.

I've been similary shunned in the family for the same reasons, but find it hard to forgive this behaviour extended to my wife and sons.

These kind of family issues are so tough, because they're always in your face even when you move far away. If you keep up any interaction, the salt will continue to be ground into your wounds. I've had people tell me to go to counseling for years, but never really believed it would help.

The one thing that has helped TREMENDOUSLY is using EFT. Again, because of the periodic contact it's the hardest EFT task I've dealt with. But it does work, and has given me considerable relief. I have more insight into my mother's actions and my own, and the emotional intensity is dialed way down to where I now find it easy to forgive my mother (because it has nothing to do with greed or intentional cruelty). My sister is another matter, but I don't feel the same attachment as I would my mother, so I don't feel that forgiving her cruelty to my family as being anything urgent or necessary.

Incidentally while doing the EFT tapping, I started with just tapping for general feelings of unfairness and abandonment from my mother, and it did offer some major relief. But not the total relief I often get from EFT. After awhile, I realized it was my attachment to my mother, my vain hopes things would improve, she would see the light etc that was causing the pain. Once I started tapping on MY dependancy on her was when the huge relief really came.

I think this is key in any kind of dysfunctional relationship, to first healing the emotional dependancy. But keep tapping - something as emotionally primal as your link to your mother is not going to be a non-issue in a few 2 minute sessions. And everytime there's new communication, there will be more issues to tap on. But wow, EFT has really helped me through this.

If you're interested you can download the PDF instructions at emofree.com
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