This is the demon I speak of....

Thank you to everyone for the wonderful posts and insights. So aside from having NO respect for me, competing with me, being angry with me for being better looking and thinner, angry with me that I can stay on a health plan and she can't, angry with me because I take risks with my life that she is too scared to, angry with me because I have been with the SAME man for 10 years and we were virgins when we met each other - ripping me apart and making snide comments about my "mystical experiences" and belief in a higher power, lying to me my entire life about who my real father was just to cover the fact that she cheated on my "dad". She has called the police on me, threatened to kill pets that I have had, actually did kill my favorite cat (through negligence and not feeding her while I was out of the country), deleted files off my computer, thrown out things that were mine, told strangers, neigbors and her friends every private detail about my life and even had me put away in a mental hospital when I was only NINE YEARS OLD because the man she was dating at the time didn't like how I "backtalked".

So ASIDE FROM ALL THAT: The truth is, a lot of what I have trouble dealing with about my mother is NOT even in the way she treats me or in the past evils she has inflicted upon me.... a lot of it is how she lives her life. She won't stick to anything, she promises to never drink again and drinks again, she starts on a diet and cheats, she has tried EVERY religion and promises to be devout only to move on to the next religion. She sleeps with any guy who talks to her, and on the first date. She cares more about the way strangers view her and lies to cover her tracks. She is so sick on the inside from what she eats and drinks and smokes and sleeps with that she SMELLS PUTRID. She wastes her money only totally selfish, egocentric things like vacations where she just hates herself and complains that she is drinking, eating sh*t and banging men! I would be gone by now if she wasn't rich... isn't that terrible???

And everytime I try to talk to her about her behaviors, she justifys them with "Well you arent perfect either," Or her favorite comment "Ditto - you are just as bad as me!" There is NO helping this person. She even thinks everyone loves her and thinks she is great and funny but everyone who has met her thinks she is ridiculous.

Yet ... I STILL HAVE PITY FOR HER. And I am not looking to get even, hurt her or make a point. I just want to disappear. Is it ok for me disappear? Is it RIGHT for me to disappear? I know she won't find me in Asia ... this is a woman who has stated, "That area of the world doesn't appeal to me at all, why would I want to spend time anywhere that is a 3rd world country!" YIKES.

Thanks for letting me vent everyone...
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