Re: I need support...I've fallen and can't get up

Ah, my friend Trapper....are you telling me to get over my big self? Stop wallowing in the self pity, get back on the horse and ride?

Yes, you know, you are right. I sometimes get so worried that I'll go back to that former effigy of hideous self loathing. The unhealthy, frozen, sad individual that I've been for so many years.

And you know what? I think I realize that I can't go back. One year of this, and I actually think it would be impossible to go back. But truly, the fear that I might slip is ever present. The old bad habits. Much like an alcoholic. But so much of this is how you see yourself, you know? Do you see yourself as giving up? Do you see yourself as sickly? It's a strange thing, this personification of image. It plays horrible tricks with your mind and your resolve.

I can't help but think that my visiting curezone keeps me on course. And for awhile now I've offered support, but haven't asked for it like I should have. I just feel like some turning point is hitting me, like some corner is being turned. I've reached a branch in the road. One way is the lure of that old person, the other is that self actualized human. And then it comes down to the day to day trials.

I think my next course is to seek out meditation. I've been saying this to myself for about 3 months now. Perhaps my inner self is just screaming to find that peace, and my outer self is hindering the process. I have to set a goal to try this, and then just do it. If I don't find my center, I'm afraid I'm all over the place, without meaning or goals.

Thanks for letting me vent. Sometimes you just need to get this out, like a contract, a journal or a testament. Thank you for responding to me, because I always know that you care.

Love, Molly