Re: I need some help. Please critique this post.

A few nit-picky things to consider - depending on the intended audience: 

With Administrative Department, I don't know whether it ought to be caps or not, but make sure it is the same throughout the letter.

Good luck!

To whom it may concern:

Pam asked me why I was so interested in volunteering. I sat there in my chair and realized that I hadn’t [had not] really thought about the whys of volunteerism. We both agreed that it would be fun - and a lesson in its self [itself], to simply [simply to] write an essay; why do I think that volunteering for the Administration [D]department will benefit me? I would like to begin with a quote [by John Ruskin] that fills me with delight[expresses my feelings best - or something like that]: “The highest reward for a person's work is not what they get for it, but what they become because of it- by John Ruskin”. I feel that department strategic volunteer participation will add new and expanded dimensions to my post-secondary education, and it will provide me with real-life experience to complement my classroom learning[.  N]; not only that, but volunteering does contribute [contributes] to my personal development, polishes my existing skills, helps me to develop some new skills, strengthens my resume-[delete hyphen] with new experiences and references, helps me to give back to my community, helps me to gain networking opportunities, and it [delete it] broadens my circle of friends.

Volunteering strengthens my personal development: I am learning how to practice time management. Time management is a skill that is developed over time, and I am getting better at it. I was involved in a head on collision on October 10, 2006. I was not injured in the accident, but my car was totaled. I learned how to balance volunteering, school and work while at the same time deal[ing] with personal drama. Volunteering for the [A]administration [D]department will allow me to feel a sense of empowerment and gain confidence stemming from experiencing something first-hand; also, it would reduce the feeling of isolation due to stronger ties[by developing stronger ties - by with what or whom?]. Volunteering for your [D]department will help me to feel valued and appreciated.

By volunteering for the Administration [D]department, I can polish my existing skills: I’m [I am] familiar with Microsoft Office, Word, Excel and Power Point programs, but not from [in the context of ] a real life healthcare setting. I would like to learn how to use Host and Metatech- past the #60 function. I hope to be able to apply classroom learning so that I can see how it works in the real life setting. Furthermore, I hope to explore leadership skills as well, and to share some of my ideas and energy that are uniquely mine.

By offering my time and service, I hope to develop new skills: I would like to try new and different experiences away from the campus. I hope to develop leadership skills, problem solving and communication skills; I feel this will bring self confidence. By volunteering for your [D]department, I will be activating critical thinking and problem solving skills to help deal with real- “occupational issues”.

Volunteering for the Administration [D]department will allow me to gain networking opportunities, make professional contacts and to obtain relevant references. I would like to discover the culture of the professional workplace such as the [A]administration [D]department, and I hope to broaden my circle of friends. Stan, Jeff, Shelly, David, Tisha, Sharon, and especially Diann, Jerome and Collins have all extended their kindness; through volunteering, I would have the opportunity to get to know them better.

Furthermore, I hope to build my resume/ portfolio by adding new experiences and references to increase employability. I enjoy giving back to my community by making contributions. I hope that I can make a difference.

I request that you consider me for a volunteer position within the [D]department of Administration. Administration [D]department strategic volunteer participation will add new and expanded dimensions to my post-secondary education, and it will provide me with real-life experience to complement my classroom learning. Volunteering contributes to my personal development, polishes my existing skills, helps me to develop some new skills, strengthens my resume- with new experiences and references, helps me to give back to my community, helps me to gain networking opportunities, and it broadens my circle of friends.