Re: I need some help. Please critique this post.

This is an interesting request...we aren't often asked to critique other's writing.

I am not a 'professional' or 'educated' writer, but I'll try, if it is okay with you.

Is this letter TO Mariana, or FROM her? (The letter is signed by Mariana at the bottom.) Or, is the name at the top written as letterhead, and preprinted on the paper? In the style shown in your post it reads as the person the letter is directed TO.

If Mariana is the WRITER of the letter, you could say, From: Mariana ... Or, you could put the title of the institution you are sending it to, XYZ Institute.

The address could simply be the city and state where the 'Institute' is located. And, I would add the date.

'To whom it may concern' is a formal greeting, and may be entirely appropriate for your purposes...but it means that the rest of the letter is 'business-like' and not chatty.

I'm pleased to see you break for paragraphs, so many writers don't. A little white space between thoughts makes a letter so much easier to read.

What you want achieve is a logical 'flow' of thoughts, both inside the paragraphs, and overall. You want to take the reader from A, to B, to C...with C being a logical 'Conclusion'.

An easy way to compose a letter is to quickly list the points you want to make, by using single words, if possible; and then to write a paragraph on each.

Your list might look like this...

...Formal greeting (or informal) (or a title, Re: Smith Volunteer Application, which would be underlined.)

...Pam said.

...Ruskin quote.

...My skills.

...And so on.


Since you already have excellent sentences, you could easily list those. I'll give you an example...

Pam asked me why I was so interested in volunteering.

I sat there in my chair and realized that I hadn’t really thought about the whys of volunteerism.

We both agreed that it would be fun -and a lesson in its self, to simply write an essay; why do I think that volunteering for the Administration department will benefit me?

I would like to begin with a quote that fills me with delight: “The highest reward for a person's work is not what they get for it, but what they become because of it- by John Ruskin”.

I feel that department strategic volunteer participation will add new and expanded dimensions to my post-secondary education, and it will provide me with real-life experience to complement my classroom learning; not only that, but volunteering does contribute to my personal development, polishes my existing skills, helps me to develop some new skills, strengthens my resume- with new experiences and references, helps me to give back to my community, helps me to gain networking opportunities, and it broadens my circle of friends.

Volunteering strengthens my personal development: I am learning how to practice time management.

Time management is a skill that is developed over time, and I am getting better at it.

I was involved in a head on collision on October 10, 2006.

I was not injured in the accident, but my car was totaled.

I learned how to balance volunteering, school and work while at the same time deal with personal drama.

(And so on.)


This would allow you to examine each sentence; and perhaps to regroup them, or even to shorten or eliminate some.

You could even change the tone of the sentences to more or less 'formal', as you please.

(Isn't the computer a wonderful invention?!)

I'd do the 'editing' for you, in my style, but I'm afraid I'd totally miss your intentions, probably chopping your favorite parts. (Eek!)

Hope some of this helps!

My best,

fledgling