Cloudgazing

Cloudgazing, A Lesson in Surrender.
November 18, 2003

Today is the third day in a row where there are clouds, rain, cold and wind. On the previous two days I skipped the sungazing, even though I have written before about the importance of establishing a habit. So today when there was not sunshine at sunrise, I easily decided not to sungaze but instead to do a sitting meditation. The thoughts about being inside where it was nice and warm were inviting… But soon other thoughts came in - that the winter is only cold and something to be avoided when I think it is so. It is this way because I am being resistant to reality; instead I could just accept how it is. Then came the memory of how nice I feel when I do the sungazing, simply to be out in nature and feel connected in this way. With this being the third day without sunshine, I feel like something is missing without having my daily dose of sunshine. So then I decided instead to go to my normal spot outside on top of the hill and do cloud gazing.



When I first started then I thought I would do it without taking off my shoes. Again I questioned this thought, countering it with: 'No, the earth isn't that cold yet, and actually it isn't that cold when one is standing still, the earth retains the heat and so far my feet have not been cold.' Having dealt with that, then I decided that I would do the full 30 minutes just like there was sunshine. Feeling that it would be good for me to stay consistent even if it's cloudy. These days I find it difficult at times to even stand for that length of time without moving, so I know that just going through the motions is beneficial for me. So then I started cloud gazing, and what I shortly discovered is that cloud gazing offers it's own challenges…There were so many clouds that I could not detect where the sun really was. There were a few bright spots but I knew they weren't in the same place as the path of the sun. Being used to looking at an obvious focal point, I also found it difficult to just look at the clouds. My mind wandered easily and it was hard to refocus onto a certain point in the sky because it all looked uniform. I saw myself thinking at this time, that it was too difficult to sungaze without the sun, that I would do it the next day instead. Also that it was silly to do cloud gazing, as probably I was not getting any benefit out of it. I was nearly ready to stop for the day and wait for the next…



Right at that moment, I perceived a broader perspective and saw all this thinking in a different light. By giving heed to it, I was listening to what my head was telling me to do and not my heart. I was completely forgetting all the debating I did with myself earlier to even come to this point to be standing outside. I had completely forgot all the good reasons why I wanted to do this in the first place. I could see that I was being very persistent to come up with reasons to not do what I had determined before would be good for me! So why was that? Then I realized it was because there was a conflict. I could either engage in the story world going on in my head or do the practice, but I couldn't do both at the same time. Listening to what was going on in my head was not only a big threat to opt out of doing the practice, but also that I wasn't engaged in sungazing while busy with this activity. More subtlety, I saw that all these 'flare-ups' were reasons I was making up to not have to set myself aside. This 'moment' revealed my illusionary world very vividly and I saw what kind of decision I was being asked to make in order to continue. Today I saw starkly the conflict going on, but also I realize that I have reached a turning point - that if I want to continue with sungazing then I will have to surrender…

http://www.falconblanco.com/betsy/sungazing/archive.htm#Cloudgazing