I'm back! sorry for the late reply

this is to 62456, turkey60 and finallyfaith together, and also Aye at the end

I'm very sorry I couldn't answer before, I wanted to write on this issue only after my son had gone to bed, to be 100% my brain instead of half. I should have given more information instead of letting you guess, I'm sorry. I recognize the kind of patterns you depict, in fact they were very inspiring to understand the dinamics of another person I know, but it is not the case of Erik. Eventually, it would be mine, as I had an awful relation with both my parents. Erik, he was the last child and the favourite of both the mother and the father, for different reasons. It wasn't a situation that he liked too much, being the beloved. He often mentioned to me the example of two cousins of his, where the first, less loved, felt free to do what he wanted, and now is a successful drummer based in Amsterdam, while the second, beloved, had to sweat double to do his life, he's been able to finally jump only quite recently. Erik has always been a quite peculiar guy, and to follow his own inclinations he's had to fight hard, mainly inside himself. His father always incouraged him to value imagination and freedom, but he died when he was 16, in a very delicate phase of his life. His mother would just have liked to see him as a lawyer, typically. She never understood him. Well, imagine, he's a guy who would love to live in a tree-house or a cave! Luckily, our inclinations pretty much coincide, and he has seen this very clearly after the birth of my son. He says he's understood how much I love him as he is only after our son was born. Before, he had the energies to still keep up some masks, but after he had to show himself pretty naked to me, and found out I liked him exactly like that. This is what happened to me too, I also feel his love very strong.
Regarding the connections between his mother and me, if there are any, they are only of opposition, we couldn't be more different, physically and psychically. I like to think that I'm closer to his anima (using the categories of Jung probably mentioned in the book of finallyfaith, I'll give him this title), let's hope so.
So what's the problem then? that we both find uneasy in the new situation. It is not only him, it is both. We both freak out. I freak out more on him, he freaks out more on our son and on himself. I don't freak out on my son because I've experienced how it feels and I wouldn't do it to him ever. I freak out on myself in the sense they I eat neurotically everything I find in the kitchen.
I can't stand this because it's the story of my childhood, scenes every other day, desperation for breakfast, and because I can't see our beautiful love reduced to this nerves. Yet, I have no idea of what is happening, I really have no clue. Maybe it is what happens to everybody when children come, and no-one dares to be too honest about it. They all talk very pink about children, and while my thoughts are really pink regarding my son personally, they are not about the whole situation.
It is exactly how Aye has put it, a state of misallignement. But Aye, maybe you are able to reallign without getting conscious of what this distortion stands for, I am not. I need to become aware of something to be able to put things back into place.