Re: Living With Schizo Mom Has Made Me Severely Depressed

Thank you SO much Daisy! I feel so much better now. As a child, I was always into entertaining people.. I would sing, act, etc. infront of my classes just because everyone loved me and thought I was so entertaining. I was always really popular for being open-minded, friendly, entertaining, and outgoing. But last year, things changed when my mom got like that and I turned to marijuana. It was a way to vent all my problems and keep me in a happy mood. Little did I know that it made me sink even further into my depression. Everything was horrible. It was so horrible, that I didn't even realize the state I was in was horrible. Compared to last summer, I am 85% better now. But onto the point of my childhood story, I've always been a strong believer in myself, knowing that I could achieve fame in my life.. and I just know I will be able to achieve it one day. I kind of look at my current situation as a "life learning" experience that will make me a stronger, happier person in the end and make me even more determined to be successful, kind of like alot of celebrities go through. (it gives me positive thoughts, thinking that alot of celebrities had hard childhoods and came out rich & famous in the end) When I do have enough strength to fight back, I am usually in a very happy positive mood and I start working on my scripts that I want to someday completely finish, but for now... notes and details are good enough. (I want to be a movie maker, actor, etc.)

But one thing I just don't get, is how I can't force myself out of this state of mind.. I completely know what you mean when you say "vegetative state", that's the way I feel sometimes.. like, I feel braindead. It is the worst feeling. It's like I forget myself.. and that's not something anyone should feel. It's a constant battle living with her, she always asks me stuff like "are you a devil or an angel?", or "did God tell you to do that?" when I wash the dishes, or when I try to be happy and make a joke, she'll criticize it and say cruel things like "that's not funny." and just act really cold. I just don't see how though I get into this state where my mind is blank and I'm so confused at everything. I hate feeling braindead. Why does it affect me like that? =(

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