Living With Schizo Mom Has Made Me Severely Depressed

For months I thought I had Candida, but I truly now believe it is just plain ol' depression. I ate some "naughty sugary" foods the other day, and felt pretty much the same as I did before I ate them, and then I ate some more bad food later on and still felt the same. I'm pretty sure this is my brain, not immune system.

For a year now I have suffered from severe depression... hopelessness, inability to talk, fatigue, slow-thinking, brain fog, inability to concentrate, reclusive qualities, crying spells, etc. This all started when my mom found out my dad was cheating on her and she stopped taking her medicine. She is EXTREME bipolar, borderline schizophrenic and has been to the mental institution many times throughout the past 10 years. She always bickers at me and criticizes me and belittles me and tells me how much of a failure I am, and she basically just severely mentally abuses me. Whenever I am around her, I feel dead inside.... but when I gather up the strength/mental fortitude to push myself to go out and do something, such as going to the big city that is an hour away, I feel so relieved inside. That's another thing.. this town is populated with nothing but fast food restaurants, Wal-Mart, and white trash. I hate living here, and that's just not the Depression talking. I've felt like this for years now, even when I was extremely happy. I feel so smiley and happy and optimistic when I go to the big city, because I see normal people and it just makes me feel so much better. I call people on my phone that I never pick up to when I'm at home and we just chat away, enjoying ourselves in a fun, light-hearted conversation. But then.... I go back home and I feel dead and extremely depressed again.

Just the other day I went with my 3 cousins and my uncle that are really fun to the lake, and although I didn't enjoy the experience of getting bitten by ants, swimming in pee water, or being surrounded by skankos, I had such a fantastic time because I was being so funny and really hyper and outgoing. I felt completely normal again. I was the life of the party and it felt great. I want to get out more because it makes me feel better... but I have no friends because I cut everyone off because they do drugs and alcohol, and I don't want to be around that.

Everything is just so confusing, there are no outlets without consequences or negatives. I really want to just move to Austin, TX as soon as I can, but I just don't know what to do. It's so hard living with my mom because she is extremely EXTREMELY moody and mentally abusive and very harsh and critical. I just want to get out. I just hope this past year's experience hasn't scarred me.. and that when I move away, things will be so much better. But I'm so depressed that I'm afraid to move because I feel so hopeless and vulnerable.. it's like I'm depressed because of where I live and I want to move, but I'm afraid to move because I'm depressed? I don't know. Everything is just so sucky right now. I can't believe I've dug myself into such a deep hole.

Lately I've been able to fight my way through the depression, I feel like I'm getting stronger. For instance yesterday, after a few great days I had had because of the experience at the lake with my cousins and uncle had pulled me out of my sadness, I felt myself sinking back into my depression, but I put forth so much strength at one time and just started screaming "NO! NO! NO!!!! You will NOT go back there, NO!!" and I just started screaming random, funny things that made me laugh and I snapped back up a level and stayed there. It sounds like I'm schizo myself, but I know I'm not.. I'm just mustering up enough strength to be able to physically fight back. It is possible, and I will continue fighting until I fully win the battle.
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