Living With Schizo Mom Has Made Me S... 
#58396
18 y
2,600
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For months I thought I had Candida, but I truly now believe it is just plain ol' depression. I ate some "naughty sugary" foods the other day, and felt pretty much the same as I did before I ate them, and then I ate some more bad food later on and still felt the same. I'm pretty sure this is my brain, not immune system.
For a year now I have suffered from severe depression... hopelessness, inability to talk, fatigue, slow-thinking, brain fog, inability to concentrate, reclusive qualities, crying spells, etc. This all started when my mom found out my dad was cheating on her and she stopped taking her medicine. She is EXTREME bipolar, borderline schizophrenic and has been to the mental institution many times throughout the past 10 years. She always bickers at me and criticizes me and belittles me and tells me how much of a failure I am, and she basically just severely mentally abuses me. Whenever I am around her, I feel dead inside.... but when I gather up the strength/mental fortitude to push myself to go out and do something, such as going to the big city that is an hour away, I feel so relieved inside. That's another thing.. this town is populated with nothing but fast food restaurants, Wal-Mart, and white trash. I hate living here, and that's just not the Depression talking. I've felt like this for years now, even when I was extremely happy. I feel so smiley and happy and optimistic when I go to the big city, because I see normal people and it just makes me feel so much better. I call people on my phone that I never pick up to when I'm at home and we just chat away, enjoying ourselves in a fun, light-hearted conversation. But then.... I go back home and I feel dead and extremely depressed again.
Just the other day I went with my 3 cousins and my uncle that are really fun to the lake, and although I didn't enjoy the experience of getting bitten by ants, swimming in pee water, or being surrounded by skankos, I had such a fantastic time because I was being so funny and really hyper and outgoing. I felt completely normal again. I was the life of the party and it felt great. I want to get out more because it makes me feel better... but I have no friends because I cut everyone off because they do drugs and alcohol, and I don't want to be around that.
Everything is just so confusing, there are no outlets without consequences or negatives. I really want to just move to Austin, TX as soon as I can, but I just don't know what to do. It's so hard living with my mom because she is extremely EXTREMELY moody and mentally abusive and very harsh and critical. I just want to get out. I just hope this past year's experience hasn't scarred me.. and that when I move away, things will be so much better. But I'm so depressed that I'm afraid to move because I feel so hopeless and vulnerable.. it's like I'm depressed because of where I live and I want to move, but I'm afraid to move because I'm depressed? I don't know. Everything is just so sucky right now. I can't believe I've dug myself into such a deep hole.
Lately I've been able to fight my way through the depression, I feel like I'm getting stronger. For instance yesterday, after a few great days I had had because of the experience at the lake with my cousins and uncle had pulled me out of my sadness, I felt myself sinking back into my depression, but I put forth so much strength at one time and just started screaming "NO! NO! NO!!!! You will NOT go back there, NO!!" and I just started screaming random, funny things that made me laugh and I snapped back up a level and stayed there. It sounds like I'm schizo myself, but I know I'm not.. I'm just mustering up enough strength to be able to physically fight back. It is possible, and I will continue fighting until I fully win the battle.
- Re: Living With Schizo Mom Has Made ... been there done that
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This is a reply to # 23,311I've been depressed for 51 years (basically an identity crisis from childhood family, my family ostracized me). I understand Depression type behavior (not having a good view of the world [for good reason]), so I will not make a big deal of the way you speak (white trash, skankos), but I will point out a principle that makes a big difference in mood/attitude SUBCONSCIOUSLY. Our attitudes towards other people determines our self-esteem. That means that if we are unjust or unfair in our opinions about other people, then we will condemn ourselves as unjust. We shouldn't be judgemental OF PEOPLE in the first place, because usually, we are judging them for what is ONLY their business. Other reasons not to be judgemental are that the intention is to be condescending, but also controlling (control freak, not only unjust, but a PRETTY BIG RESPONSIBILITY). If we can't think (and actually believe) of ourselves as a righteous person, then we will have low self-esteem. I call it 'Vicarious Condemnation'.
But it's also that you are a good person, my friend (I know, I've read about you being happy). You don't understand or control your anger, you let it run wild so that you lose respect for the world (white trash, skankos). How can you enjoy a world that you choose to disrespect? Discipline yourself in your attitude towards others and you will notice that your self-esteem will let you be who you really are (that's why I had an "identity crisis"). I believe that everybody suffers stress and can get 'burnt out' (drained, worn down/out), but only the CONSCIENTIOUS will be effected so much as to get depressed. There is more of a person in you than you realize, get to know yourself.
Concerning your mother, if you moved away, would she or somebody else be able to care for her? You have to consider this because leaving your mother without proper care can bother your conscience for life if something happens. Your cousins might be willing to check in on her once in a while and a local hospital might have a program to visit every so often.
Do not drink diet sodas or eat diet foods that have artificial sweeteners. Aspartame is what makes diet sodas "DIET", but other sweeteners that are artificial are dangerous BRAIN chemicals (even found in BABY FORMULA). These ingredients aren't always listed, and not the only ones to watch out for MSG, phenylketoneurics, nutra sweet, sucralose, etc.
Some symptoms you mention, like "inability to talk" might be severe dehydration. Every day, drink 1 ounce of water for every 2 pounds of your body weight (200 pounds,...100 ounces throughout the day). I used to cherish crying (when I was able to), it allowed me to acknowledge SELF/identity. It would be easy to think I'm being melodramatic, but I think the subconscious SELF is CRYING out for recognition (you are neglecting SELF). Go ahead, tell me I'm wrong. IT'S TRUE.
Look up Aspartame on one of the sites listed here.
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- Re: Living With Schizo Mom Has Made ... DaisyRafferty
18 y
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This is a reply to # 23,31158396..reading your story was like going back in time for me. I had a similar situation..living with a Mother who was neurotic, narcissistic and histronic (I've since arm-chair analyzed that she was undiagnosed Borderline Personality Disorder). I identified with so much of your story, about how you feel trapped and how you from time to time feel strong. It brought many memories back to me and I feel qualified to give you my two cents
In order to get away from my Mother but having no real wherewithall to do so I married someone. He was just as critical and negative as my Mother, but he did indeed offer a way "out". I stayed married to him for nearly 25 years but I repeated many of my coping strategies with him that I had with my Mother..the most significant of which was major depression. During that long marriage there was one time when I was becoming close to being in a vegatative state. But...like you...something inside finally decided to fight back (the "stong" part) and I left him. It was (and still is) really hard because he was very important to me and I have no family now (My Mother died).
I am telling you all this because I think I made a fatal mistake when I was where you are now. I didn't get enough education to get a really good job to be able to make my own way in life. In my opinion, what you should be working on tooth and nail right now is carving out a plan for a career for yourself. Something that you love that will make it so you can be the master of your own ship and the captain of your soul. My esteem was so bad when I was young that making a real plan like that would have sounded impossible..but I was capable of much much more than I ever thought. Life has to do with mastering things, one thing at a time.
You and I were not given very good instruction about the big rewards that come from delayed gratification. Decide what it is that you want to DO in that big city and find out what it takes to get there. You have to get away from that Mother of yours. She's done her so-called job (albeit poorly) of raising you. Now it's your job to make your own way. I can tell from your post...you can do it. I'd like to see you do in in this decade, instead of 2 or 3 decades from now (like me). It's scary to think about the big world and whether or not you can manage it. But look around..people are managing right and left. You'll do it if you have the resolve to do it. Don't believe any negative thoughts about it. The guy pumping your gas into your car is making his own way and you can too.- On behalf of all the children of the... been there done that
18 y
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- Re: Living With Schizo Mom Has Made ... #58396
18 y
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This is a reply to # 23,314Thank you SO much Daisy! I feel so much better now. As a child, I was always into entertaining people.. I would sing, act, etc. infront of my classes just because everyone loved me and thought I was so entertaining. I was always really popular for being open-minded, friendly, entertaining, and outgoing. But last year, things changed when my mom got like that and I turned to marijuana. It was a way to vent all my problems and keep me in a happy mood. Little did I know that it made me sink even further into my depression. Everything was horrible. It was so horrible, that I didn't even realize the state I was in was horrible. Compared to last summer, I am 85% better now. But onto the point of my childhood story, I've always been a strong believer in myself, knowing that I could achieve fame in my life.. and I just know I will be able to achieve it one day. I kind of look at my current situation as a "life learning" experience that will make me a stronger, happier person in the end and make me even more determined to be successful, kind of like alot of celebrities go through. (it gives me positive thoughts, thinking that alot of celebrities had hard childhoods and came out rich & famous in the end) When I do have enough strength to fight back, I am usually in a very happy positive mood and I start working on my scripts that I want to someday completely finish, but for now... notes and details are good enough. (I want to be a movie maker, actor, etc.)
But one thing I just don't get, is how I can't force myself out of this state of mind.. I completely know what you mean when you say "vegetative state", that's the way I feel sometimes.. like, I feel braindead. It is the worst feeling. It's like I forget myself.. and that's not something anyone should feel. It's a constant battle living with her, she always asks me stuff like "are you a devil or an angel?", or "did God tell you to do that?" when I wash the dishes, or when I try to be happy and make a joke, she'll criticize it and say cruel things like "that's not funny." and just act really cold. I just don't see how though I get into this state where my mind is blank and I'm so confused at everything. I hate feeling braindead. Why does it affect me like that? =(
- Re: Living With Schizo Mom Has Made ... been there done that
18 y
1,880
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The effects of verbal abuse are not obvious to the abuser, meaning she does not know the full effect her verbal abuse has on you, but she probably wouldn't be able to understand even if you explained it to her. The effect you are feeling is that she is breaking your spirit (identity crisis). Since you are normally a happy, outgoing person and you believe in yourself, all you really have to do in order to preserve your sanity is get into the habit of expressing yourself, in writing here at Curezone (on many different forums of interest) and to the people you meet throughout the day. You don't have to use fancy words or a loud voice (be confident that you don't have to emphasize your presence), but let the world know that you exist (don't hide). The world will acknowledge your presence, and so will SELF. This way, it will be easier for you to ignore her abuse. Your spirit can only be broken if you let her and all her abuse BECOME YOUR WORLD. Preserve (strengthen) SELF and that feeling will disappear.
If you are not convinced of the importance of identity, we were created in His image and can only live properly by knowing who we are because we came from "I am who I am" Exodus 3:14.
(I think, therefore I AM).
- Step Up Lapis
18 y
1,902
This is a reply to # 23,316Step Up and take your power back. Create the life you want for yourself and enjoy the process.
Focus on what you want and discipline yourself to continually toss out of your mind what you don't. Also practice good dietary and lifestyle habits.
If you had no limitations, what would you be doing in life? Once you have a good idea of what this is, focus on it like it's already yours. Act like you ready have it and be grateful that you do, and I promise you this....if you do this much more than you dwell on all the things that are or could go wrong, you will obtain joy, no question.
In your self talk say things like..."I love my career as *blank*. Feel it, taste it, touch it, smell it....make it real. This directs your creative force to attract this or better into your life. Don't look at all the things that aren't going right or you will keep attracting more of it. By activley cutting off what you don't want in your thoughts, you stop the cycle of creating these things and then the momentum of that cycle stops and goes in the new direction of where you want to go. Be clear on this new positce direction as not to confuse where you are sterring your ship ;-)
Our thoughts create our life. Create a great one. ;-)
~Lapis~- Re: Step Up #58396
18 y
2,036
This is a reply to # 23,319I love you guys!!!! Thank you so much, all of the posts have added abit more to my new regime and I will follow all of them to reveal my true innerself. Thank you guys, it truly means so so much.
It takes so much energy to put myself out there, but I've done it before.. the other morning I just couldn't take it anymore. I just let loose and turned up really loud, fast-paced swing music and just started dancing around the house being happy. It felt like I was releasing all of the anger that has built up over the past few months when I was dancing.
And this part was best of all, I started acting lunatic crazy... I just opened my mind up and didn't analyze what I was going to say as I've become accustomed to (I always have to think 5 minutes before I say something because my mom has made me so nervous about speaking my mind) and I just started blurting out crazy psychotic things like "DID YOU HEAR 'BOUT 'DEM 'DERE ROBOTS? THEY ARE COMING TO TAKE THE SKIN OF ALL THE NEWBORN BABIES MADE OF TISSUE PAPER!! And watch out for them fish, they are learning how to breathe out of water and use computer chips placed in our heads to communicate thoroughly with the newly invented PUNCTUATION point, but there has got to be more than just PERIOD. QUESTION MARK. EXCLAMATION. Comma is one, but it groups small words together, JUST LIKE THE ROBOTS NEED REBOOTING EVERY NOW AND THEN, like my friend, Ben, for instance.... he is still a 2004 model, ROBOTS ARE SUPPOSE TO BE REPROGRAMMED EVERY 2 YEARS!!!! Not to mention have their tissue paper cleaned out of their ears. What 'bout them there new letters? YOU INVENTED A NEW ONE CALLED SLINE! Combination of "seven" & "nine", or is that a new NUMBERRRRRRRRR? I just don't know!! HOW DO WE KNOW WHAT COLORS PEOPLE ACTUALLY SEE, WHAT IF THE WHOLE TIME I THOUGHT BLUE WAS BLUE, SOMEBODY SAW BLUE AS GREEN.. AND THEY DIDN'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE! WHAT COLOR DO YOU SEE BLUE AS? HHHHHHHUUUUUUHHHHHHH? I don't know!!"
For hours on end I was saying stuff like that, occasionally rolling around on the floor and hysterically laughing, and she was getting so scared.. she really thought I was on crack or possessed.. but the thing was, was that I had control. I know it sounds like I'M the crazy one, but I know I'm not.. I just have to outdo her in the craziness department. That's the only way I'm going to gain my identity, confidence, and life back. We were no longer on the same level, because she could usually keep up with me and she'd always win because I just didn't want to put forth any energy so I would just say "okay" and lock myself in my room. But now, I've gotten the strength to fight back with crazy talk and it completely overpowers her. She doesn't know what to do. She just stands there and acts like she's about to call the police because the way I'm acting is just so out of it.. but it's fun. It's fun to have control back and open my mind without thinking of what I'm going to say. Sometimes I don't have enough energy to keep it up, but I'm working on it and I think if I get pissed off today, the "robots" are going to reappear. ;) Thanks everyone!!!Advertisement
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- Re: Step Up been there done that
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This is a reply to # 23,321That sounds great! I think the only way to enjoy life and be sane is to have a sense of humor available, not always to poke fun at life, but having a limit so that we don't take life TOO seriously and overwhelm our nerves with grief.
Congratulations!
- Re: Step Up been there done that
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- Re: Step Up #58396
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- Re: Living With Schizo Mom Has Made ... been there done that
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- On behalf of all the children of the... been there done that
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- Re: Living With Schizo Mom Has Made ... been there done that
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