Coming to terms

Blue Rose, I thank you very, very much for your kind words of support and encouragement.

At it stands, I'm only just beginning to come to terms with what the discovery means with regard to the past 13 years of my life with this man.  He's been living a lie, and I put my trust and faith in a person that never existed.  Was everything a sham, then? 

I am still in shock,, but as time passes, I'm beginning to feel a sense of moral outrage that's replacing this incredible fury, bit-by-bit.  You're right - I didn't do anything to deserve this deception, except to give my trust to someone and enter into a binding contract of marriage.  I look back on the support and indulgence that I gave, and it only fans that ember of fury into a white-hot inferno. 

I cannot say, with any clarity, what my next steps will be.  What I want to do on impulse is to kick my spouse out and proceed with a divorce.  I do not believe that I will ever be able to trust him, again.  I don't even want him to touch me or say those hateful words, "I love you."  I cannot abide his show of "normal" when my world has been shattered to bits.  How long would his perversions have continued had I not discovered his "stash?"  To what depths of depravity would he have sunk, had this not all come out into the open?  What has he done, to date, that may have compromised my own health and well-being?  Who has he been with, and how many?  Nothing that issues from his mouth can be trusted to be Truth - nothing.

I don't know what this is supposed to teach me, other than my belief in the existence of "love" is null and void.  So many, many "happy couples" out there and who knows what really goes on behind closed doors?  I do not believe that hard-core p 0 r n is "normal," nor does it foster a healthy relationship.  I do not believe that "boys will be boys" and that entertaining infidelities, perversions, and subjugation of women is healthy OR "normal."  With the depravity of today's cutlure, I will never entertain the notion of another partner for the rest of my life.  And, NO....this doesn't mean I'm switching my gender preferences!  It means that I personally do not believe that I have met any man in today's society that has an honest, truthful, and healthy vision of women as partners.  I would rather remain celibate and single than risk another epic failure.

Everything has crumbled - my trust, my beliefs, my perceptions, and my emotional well-being.  And, I have got to sort this all out and take no prisoners in the process.  I no longer care a whit about my husband's emotional or physical comfort.  I do not care whether he had the nerve to say that he was so "sad" because "nothing will ever be the same, again."  I do not care about his feelings, one iota.  I am not responsible for his issues, and I have to take steps and sort this all out for ME......for once, I am going to put ME before anything else.

Okie dokie.........time to stop ranting.

Brightest blessings to you, Rose.  Thank you.