Blue Rose, I thank you very, very much for your kind words of support and encouragement.

At it stands, I'm only just beginning to come to terms with what the discovery means with regard to the past 13 years of my life with this man.  He's been living a lie, and I put my trust and faith in a person that never existed.  Was everything a sham, then? 

I am still in shock,, but as time passes, I'm beginning to feel a sense of moral outrage that's replacing this incredible fury, bit-by-bit.  You're right - I didn't do anything to deserve this deception, except to give my trust to someone and enter into a binding contract of marriage.  I look back on the support and indulgence that I gave, and it only fans that ember of fury into a white-hot inferno. 

I cannot say, with any clarity, what my next steps will be.  What I want to do on impulse is to kick my spouse out and proceed with a divorce.  I do not believe that I will ever be able to trust him, again.  I don't even want him to touch me or say those hateful words, "I love you."  I cannot abide his show of "normal" when my world has been shattered to bits.  How long would his perversions have continued had I not discovered his "stash?"  To what depths of depravity would he have sunk, had this not all come out into the open?  What has he done, to date, that may have compromised my own health and well-being?  Who has he been with, and how many?  Nothing that issues from his mouth can be trusted to be Truth - nothing.

I don't know what this is supposed to teach me, other than my belief in the existence of "love" is null and void.  So many, many "happy couples" out there and who knows what really goes on behind closed doors?  I do not believe that hard-core porn is "normal," nor does it foster a healthy relationship.  I do not believe that "boys will be boys" and that entertaining infidelities, perversions, and subjugation of women is healthy OR "normal."  With the depravity of today's cutlure, I will never entertain the notion of another partner for the rest of my life.  And, NO....this doesn't mean I'm switching my gender preferences!  It means that I personally do not believe that I have met any man in today's society that has an honest, truthful, and healthy vision of women as partners.  I would rather remain celibate and single than risk another epic failure.

Everything has crumbled - my trust, my beliefs, my perceptions, and my emotional well-being.  And, I have got to sort this all out and take no prisoners in the process.  I no longer care a whit about my husband's emotional or physical comfort.  I do not care whether he had the nerve to say that he was so "sad" because "nothing will ever be the same, again."  I do not care about his feelings, one iota.  I am not responsible for his issues, and I have to take steps and sort this all out for ME......for once, I am going to put ME before anything else.

Okie dokie.........time to stop ranting.

Brightest blessings to you, Rose.  Thank you.

Blue Rose and Fledgling, I want to thank you both for your words of support and encouragement.  I am going to emerge from this, and all of the fears and shame are being faced down with as much courage as I can muster.

The blessing in all of this is that I had the resolve to realize that the marriage was a sham from the beginning and that no amount of effort would heal a relationship that was based upon deception, from the word "Go."  I knew it was over when I found that nasty bag, and after he left I was on a mission to uncover the layers of his betrayals.  He will not have a moment of true, honest happiness for the rest of his life because of his own deliberate choices. 

I, on the other hand, am getting jubilant in my liberation from the farce.  I'm learning about myself, and I don't have to be afraid of who I am, who I was, or where my path may lead.  I'll be okay, regardless.

May love and wisdom light your paths and may you both be blessed a hundred-fold.  Brightest and most sincere blessings.

To clarify this, he married me strictly for money, as I discovered after he left.  My attorney has said this in exactly those words.  My counseling therapist has said this in exactly those words, and so has just about everyone else that knows my situation.  That he compartmentalized activities that I find disturbing was a shock, to be sure.  And, yes - I accept that consenting adults may engage in whatever sexua| interests they want to, and they do, including expensive whirlwind "sex tours" in Southeast Asia that includes taking the virginity of 8-year-old children.  I have no control over that, and any "morality" that I place on such activities pertains to me, alone.

After he left, I discovered an extensive activity of fraud that exceeds the Federal limit for criminal consideration.  He could have left me, at any time, to indulge in his interests without having robbed me of the only resources that I had.  I won't comment on my situation as a result of his choices, today - suffice it to say that the raiding of my private financial resources has left me in such a state that I don't know if I'll ever recover. 

Betrayal is betrayal, PinkCocaine.  Had I known about his interests when we began dating, I would not have even entertained a relationship him - instead, he presented a spiritually insightful, "safe," and romantic figure with "old-fashioned" views on relationships and communications.  None of what he presented is true.  Once we entered into a legal, binding contract of marriage, he began to systematically relieve me of my private financial resources through coersion and outright fraud (that has been clearly documented), and began a campaign of gaslighting and crazymaking.  sexua| preferences aside, a person (any person) who is able to raid another person's personal finances, at will, and leave their victim destitute and sick fits the profile of a sociopath.  Period.  End of story. 

There are many, many people out there who do whatever it is that they do behind closed doors and their preferences have no ill effect upon their daily lives.  One person's interest in bondage and fetishwear does not preclude them as sociopathic.  However, the extraordinary sexua| violence that the exspath is interested in is just a tiny tip of his persona - he fits the profile of a sociopath, without a doubt, and his overall behaviors suggest an extreme hatred of women and a disdain of every other human being that he comes into contact with.  He doesn't have any close, long-termed friends except for those that he deems to be weaker than himself.  Even those people that he might claim as "friends" are continuously faulted for their lack of intellect, gender (if they are women), income, sexua| gender preferences, appearance, and so forth. 

So, if you perceive that I am judging anyone else's sexua| preferences, you're wrong.  In my marriage or relationship, I will not tolerate violence against women.  Being a survivor of rape and domestic violence, I don't have to tolerate it.  Like I said, his compartmentalizations were just a tip of the proverbial iceburg as to who, and what, he really is.  I thank Great Creator that I'm out, even if I am in the situation that I am.