Re: worse than ever

Thanks Luella.

 

Yes, 10 years and a total of 28 doctors so far. Most of them have been alternative/naturopathic or integrative physicians.

 

Most have given up on me after seeing absolutely no change after months and months of treatment. They would usually say that I needed to be referred to someone else (ie, they couldn't help me). Some came right out and told me that this is a genetic condition and will never go away.

 

I have focused on the gut-skin relationship for most of my healing journey.  I have taken just about every nutrient for candida, intestinal wall repair, leaky gut syndrome, and quite nearly every strain of beneficial bacteria on the market.

 

I spent a long time with a very famous integrative doctor in NY who specializes in intestinal problems. After what seemed like endless diet modifications and boxes and boxes and boxes full of supplements, he came to the conclusion that he had no idea what was going on with me.

 

I've never used vitamin D3 directly on my skin.  I have taken vitamin D for years as well as receiving adequate sunlight seasonally.

 

I almost broke down in tears today because the physical pain, frustration, and utter despair are more than I can deal with.

 

Even we were able to figure this disease out, I don't have much to look forward to.  My face is absolutely disfigured now from years and years of constant severe infection. It is one thing to have the possibility of recovering from an illness and then reintegrating back into life.  The irreparable scarring will prevent this from happening with me.  And the worst part is that I sustain new disfiguring scars weekly.

I think, "if only I could stop the infection..." but I can't.  I've used every single antibiotic herb.  I used every antibacterial/antimicrobial/antifungal nutraceutical that I've come in contact with for the last 10 years.  I have researched at least 2 hours a day for years.  I have thousands of pages of notes and I have used almost every treatment that I have researched. Nothing.

 

This is probably the wrong place for me.  I don't expect any one from the online community to be able to identify this problem or know the answer for it.  If 28 alternative doctors have no clue, then the nutritional hobbyists that are on curezone probably cannot realistically offer me any hope.  I just think, maybe, just maybe someone will mention something.

 

I'm not sure why I post.  I think it is because I need a place to just tell people what is happening to me.  To have this happen to me and not tell anyone about it- to not relate what I am going through- might make it worse. 

 

The more that I think about it, it seems that the only answer would be to free myself from what is feeling the pain.  All of my psychological pain and physical pain is stemming from what is happening to my body.  Since I can't heal my body, I basically need to leave it.

 

I'm not sure of consciousness continues after death, but it really doesn't matter to me.  This body is causing unbelievable pain and suffering it seems that the only way to end the suffering is to leave the body.  Is there anything "outside" of the body? No one can know.  It certainly couldn't be any worse.

 

Some may see this as cowardice but they will never know the depths of my pain.  I was never planning on giving up.  I always dreamed that there MUST be some answer, some reason for this issue...but I don't believe that anymore.  I have tried and tried and tried to heal myself. Like I said, 28 health practioners, every diet modification, thousands of supplements, "miracle" herbs, "miracle" liquid vitamins, etc, etc...

 

It's clear to me that I am not going to be healed.  Some may say that with this attitude, then I am certain not to be healed, but I think that is rubbish. If were going to happen, it would have by now.  If anything showed me even the tiniest bit of improvement then I would be encouraged but that has never happened.

 

I know deep down in my heart that I will never be healed. Some people just know this, and I am one of them. I don't know why I know this but I do.  I know my body and I have suffered with this for so long. Nobody knows this situation like myself and I have come to the knowledge that this is a permanent condition. The one and only question now is whether or not I am going to live with this or not.

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