Thanks you, Molly Bloom

Even though you answered someone else's post, what you wrote was immensely valuable also for me. Thank you for your openness and sharing!

Especially these parts of you text were both healthy reminders and - strangely enough - also comforting for me:

"Kurt was mentally abusive, but it was subtle... But it was definitely meant to diminish me." "...my ego was gone. I felt that I deserved it... Abuse takes many forms, and any kind of controlling behavior and ego bashing is also abuse, pure and simple."

"Eventually he disconnected me from all my friends and family. This is also a sign of classic abuse, seperating you from the herd and surrounding you with only people that support him."

" I don't think I ever trusted him, and that was a huge part of it. I never felt comfortable even though on the surface we went about our daily routine. Like walking on eggshells..."

The details are different, but the general picture is the same.

Re: ego bashing: my husband has a deeply ingrained habit of complaining and being displeased. He's very good at it, eloquent, well worded, persuasive etc. We have know each other since college, and I used to admire him at our student union meetings. I also wondered then where he took the energy and courage from to care so much about issues and to dare to question whenever he saw faulty assumptions or sloppy planning or execution on the part of the union council.

I never could dream that the same critical stance would turn against me, viciously and above all: confusingly and desperation-generatingly fickly. For example, when I was still too ill to study and had not finished my college degree, he was "disappointed" and "worried" about it. However, when I got well enough to go back and started to get mostly As and Bs, especially for courses in my major, he complained that I should get more quantity (study credits, ECTSs, per term) and less quality (lower grades would be better). According to him the important thing was to get the degree, never mind what my GPA would be. So every time I was happy to do well in a course, I knew that I would have to face his displeasure. And if I was disappointed with my grade, he would be pleased. It was awful!

A tell-tale warning sign from our student union time would have been, if I had been a) paying attention and b) more cynical and less trusting/naive: he extremely seldom gave any ideas for how to do things better. His criticism, especially his initial comments on anything, was limited to pointing out what was wrong, and he almost never volunteered to fix any of the things he criticized. And his favorite things to criticize where those that could not be fixed anymore.

And so it still is today - some of his favorite phrases are "you should...", "you shouldn't have..." and "but can't you...". Or then he comes with a whole, all-thought-through plan for how *he* should fix/do [whatever], and acts really surprised and hurt if I indicate that I would have wanted to be consulted or at least informed before he decided what should be done. In fact, this is one of his many cop-outs: "Oh, if my help is not good enough, ms-know-it-all, then feel free to do it yourself!", after which he can withdraw completely.

The most bizarre part of this complaining behavior was our sex life. After the baby was born, we rather naturally had sex fairly seldom (two small kids, too little sleep - you get the picture). After some time (six months? a year?) he started to complain about how seldom we had sex - *directly*after* each time we *had* had sex! I first told him nicely that him saying so hurt my feelings. The next time I told him, with some emphasis (but still completely civilized) that the timing was not really wise - that it created a negative association to sex for me, and if he really did want more sex, complaining was not the way to go. The third time I was already rather brusque, telling him that I had already told him twice. The fourth time I screamed. And after that he almost completely stopped initiating sex!

Are you seeing a pattern here? 'Cause I am, and it's called "there's no pleasing him". Whichever way I turn, he wants me to apologize for it.

THANK you, Molly Bloom, other members, sponsors & all for providing a space where I can rediscover my side of the story. Writing helps immensely and prepares me for the inevitable unpleasantness of filing for divorce. Thank goodness my "clan" has a good relationship with a competent and respected law firm, with which my husband has no connection.

Wish me luck & strength. I wish you the same.

AE
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