Re: 10-year Relationship in Trouble

I read your post this morning and walked away for awhile to think about it. You could have been writing about my first marriage almost verbatim. You wrote a manifesto, and I'm probably about to write one back to you. I am now 53. My first marriage ended when I was 27.

I was 18 when I met Kurt. We were in college. He was 21. He was my first real love too. He was extremely popular with the ladies and when he chose me out of all of them I was flattered. We lived on and off together for about 5 years, married for almost 5 after.

Men often choose a worthy co-dependent, which I believe you are one.

Kurt was mentally abusive, but it was subtle, in the form of teasing. But it was definitely meant to diminish me. Eventually Kurt became physically abusive, which I don't know if your husband is capable of. It took over 8 years of the relationship for this to happen. By the time this did happen my ego was gone. I felt that I deserved it. I felt that all the abuse was because of ME. Abuse takes many forms, and any kind of controlling behavior and ego bashing is also abuse, pure and simple. I strongly believe you are now exhibiting signs of a classically abused wife.

I also broke up with Kurt for 7 months and had a string of sub-par relationships. When he came back I was relieved and completely forgot why we broke up in the first place (he cheated on me). I was amazed at the similarity that you wrote.

My old good friends also told me to leave him. Eventually he disconnected me from all my friends and family. This is also a sign of classic abuse, seperating you from the herd and surrounding you with only people that support him.

The drama. We had many instances of when your ex called and threatened to kill himself. There was constant drama in the household, maybe not always on the surface, but humming within me. Paranoia. I don't think I ever trusted him, and that was a huge part of it. I never felt comfortable even though on the surface we went about our daily routine. Like walking on eggshells, always wondering what he was thinking.

My husband said I was fat. In fact at one point her refused to let me buy clothes unless I lost weight (control again). I was working in a bank and needed to look professional but ended up wearing threadbare and stained clothing because I simply was not allowed to buy anything.

The reason you "let yourself go" is that you are not happy. I too binge drank because of my extreme unhappiness. I convinced myself I loved him and couldn't live without him. Now you are doubly abusing yourself by starving...for what? To please him? What happens later as you get older, or have a child and your body changes for good? Can you trust him to love you the way you are, always? Think about it. There are too many rules here. I'll love you and not text some young thing if you look good for me. It's all your fault. You made me do this.

In the end Kurt cheated on me with a professional cheerleader (how do I compete with that?) I'll never forget the day he told me he wanted a divorce. I was beyond devastated. He had told me before that no man would even look at me, that I was basically unloveable the way I looked. So when he said he was going to leave me I was sure it was the end of my life. He also told me that it was "his house" and that I had to go....So I lived there for 4 months in total denial until it became unbearable.

What I did start to do was walk. I went out to this nice area by me and walked 2.5 miles a day. Out in the fresh air, moving my body I started to get my shit together. As my body got healthier, so did my mind. I did this not to lose weight but to remove myself from the situation and think...really think. Somehow the fresh air helped get the needed oxygen I was lacking to my braincells and during this time I learned to like myself again....and boy did I learn to hate him. But that is a normal part of the process when you have been controlled for so long and then you are free.

I'll never forget the first week in my new apartment. I was pretty devastated until one morning I work up and I was on my way to have lunch with an old friend. All of a sudden the freedom hit me like a brick. I didn't have to answer to anyone. I didn't feel depressed. It was powerful. And I became more capable as I had to do things for myself, pay bills, handle the car, make my own plans.

The best thing Kurt ever did was leave me. Hindsight is 20-20.

And my old friends. They all came back to support me. Thank goodness for that. So did my family.

Honey, the reason I posted all this is that I completely understood your story. I lived that story. My story was slightly different, but there were too many similarities to ignore.

If you don't do things in your life for YOU, then you don't have a life. If you can't live in a situation that celebrates you and envelopes you in warmth and love, then you are not being true to yourself.

Really look at him. Really listen to him. Do this as an exercise for 2 weeks. I mean, let go of all those other feelings and pretend you don't know him at all. Do not "call him" out on the stuff he says or does. Just quietly listen. Watch his body language. I wish I'd stepped out of my body and paid more attention.

One year after leaving Kurt I met my now husband. We've been together for 25 years. It's not perfect, but that man loves me for me. He would never cheat on me. He respects me. So now I am me. Nothing more, nothing less. And I'm overweight as I've struggled with that for years and years. But my husband thinks I'm beautiful.

I'm sorry for the long post....well no, I'm not sorry. Someone needs to say all these things to you. You are on a slippery slope my dear, and I fear that you will have a difficult time climbing back up.

You are a good and special and unique woman. You need to be celebrated for exactly the way you are.

Love, Molly





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