10-year Relationship in Trouble

Hi,

This is an insanely long story to give enough background on my situation, so I understand if people don't feel like reading it all. I would sure appreciate any advice, help, or opinions though.

I met my husband when I was 15 and he was 17. To go through a quick highlight of our relationship, we were engaged 2 months into the relationship, and he was my "first love".

2 1/2 years into the relationship (I'll elaborate on this because it's important), he was demonstrating very destructive behavior for our relationship. He was insanely jealous (not the cute kind, the serious kind) where I had to get rid of all of my guy friends and couldn't go anywhere without him because he didn't trust me even though I never have nor will cheat on him, and I'm not the flirtatious type. I tried to talk with him and work through these issues time and again, but he completely shut me out. Finally some of my good friends opened my eyes that I was not in a healthy relationship at all and that I was very unhappy. One of these friends in particular I realized I had chemistry with, but I told him nothing could happen until whatever gets resolved with my fiance at the time did. I finally broke up with my fiance, but it was not a clean break up. He found out about the other guy that now by this time I thought I was in love with (and who knows to this day if it was real love or not, I told myself over and over it could be a rebound and to be careful). Completely devastated, my now ex-fiance started calling me while on drugs and driving, implying he was trying to kill himself. I felt horribly guilty and couldn't bear to see him go on like that, so I told him I'd give him another chance. He moved back in with me for two weeks. At the end of two weeks I still did not love him and just wanted him to leave, so he did for what we both thought would be for good. 7 months go by, a few bad boyfriends later, and I found myself falling for my ex-fiance again, but made sure to work out all of the prior issues he had as conditions of getting back together. We got back together after he proved it to me for awhile and we said it would be forever.

A few years later we finally got married (and have been married for almost 3, together for almost 10; I am 25 now and he is 27). I always asked my husband when we were dating in a joking manner if he would still love me if I got fat or ugly or came down with a horrible ailness where I couldn't take care of myself anymore (I have had quite a few health problems before). I think every woman asks or worries her love interests about that. Any way, of course he said yes, but little did we both know it would be put to a test.

Past year has not been so good for us and I felt like we've been on a slow decline. Again I found myself trying to get him to open up to me and talk about our relationship but it has been of no use. See a marriage counselor you're probably inclined to say, but we are very poor financially so I don't know how easy that could be.

Finally everything hit the fan last week. A friend was over, and he casually commented to me while my husband was in the restroom that some girl had texted my husband from the gas station he was at before he came to visit. I was a little worried but figured it was just some friend I didn't know about, so when my husband got out of the bathroom I asked. Within seconds, everything changed. My husband narrowed his eyes, slumped his shoulders, and got a guilty look on his face and the only he said was, "It's just a friend of the lady that works at the gas station". Suddenly, something in my memory snapped. A few months prior, he had told me about a 17-year-old girl who was hitting on him at that same gas station. We had both thought it was cute and laughed about it. I asked my husband if this was the same girl, and had a growing sinking feeling in my stomach. He replied, "Yes." I said, "The same girl that hit on you before?" He said, "Yes." I said, very enraged now, "Why the hell does she have your phone number then?" He stammered and hung his head, didn't reply. So, I got upset, ran into the bedroom, slammed the door, threw myself on the bed, and started to cry. When you have known someone so long, you have connections with them and you just KNOW when they're lying. He came in shortly after and I said, "You need to tell me the truth, NOW." So he did. He told me that this girl had given him her phone number the day before, and so he texted her saying hi. She replied back with a flirtatious message, so he flirted back and they carried on for awhile. He told me he deleted it and planned to never tell me about it nor let it develop into anything further. I was shocked. You saw the history. He considers flirting practically cheating, and for him to do it all of a sudden.

All the rest of that night we talked, and I was so upset. I was so scared and worried I couldn't trust him 100% again after that, and why would he do it (especially since we had a dumb night a few weeks ago which has only ever happened 3 times total in 10 years and didn't use protection so I could be pregnant on top of this). The next day he barely spoke a word to me all day and was in deep thought. I was too, and came to a few conclusions. I talked to him again that night, and told him that I thought it wouldn't be right to throw away 10 years of trust over something that small, and that I do trust him. I felt relieved and cheered up, that things were going to be OK. Wrong.

He then told me the reason why he did it. He said it's because earlier that day, the ex came up that I mentioned before where I dated him right after I broke up with my husband for a short time, through casual conversation. It upset him and made him depressed, so since that girl was paying positive attention to him and making him feel good that's why he did it. He told me he might have done it out of spite and that he has unresolved feelings about that whole time period. He said he didn't feel he had a right to be upset about it still, being several years later, but he was. Then he went into telling me that he is unhappy with me.

Here is more back story to make this make sense (so much, I'm sorry!). Shortly after we got married, I put on a lot of weight (50 lbs). Used to be skinny and pretty. I felt awful that it turned out like that; I never wanted to do the stereotypical newlywed thing and "let myself go" but it happened, my metabolism changed, and I've been struggling every day since to lose weight. I exercise, I changed my diet to eat right (practically a vegetarian now), but it takes time to lose so much weight. As I put it, I'm in the real world now. One night a few months ago, my husband was drunk and told me, "This is going to make me sound horrible, but I admit it. I liked you better when you were skinny." I know that sounds messed up of him to say, but it's OK. I feel that way too. I want to be healthy and thinner again. I have always had low self esteem but I've been working on it over the years, and was doing a lot better (until all this happened of course). I know it's not attractive when a woman constantly puts herself down and isn't happy with herself, so I try really hard.

The last back story before we go back to the present, I promise (haha). On top of the weight gain, we had moved from one location to the other. This made my eczema get much worse (which I've had since I was born, it's skin allergies basically). I started getting depressed and binge drinking a lot because I went to a few doctors and they misdiagnosed me, and then I lost my cheap healthcare coverage I had through the state since we got married and his income became mine which made it too high. I started getting panic attacks. Finally I started getting the panic attacks during these binge drinking episodes, and went off on rants and raves at my husband from all of this pain. At one point he told me my eczema would go away if I would just be happy and that it was mostly in my head. This made me worse. I felt like no one understood me and was in so much pain every day. Finally one night during one of these episodes (and I'd say I had 4-5 of them total), I told my husband I wanted to leave him because I felt like too much of a burden and that he didn't love me anymore. I even called my parents at 2am and told them to pick me up. They came over and we all had a big talk. My husband would always kind of ignore these episodes after they happened since I was drunk, and we didn't really talk about them I suppose more for my sake because I probably wouldn't have been able to handle it given my mental state. My parents said they'd pay for me to see the best dermatologist in my area so they did. I went in and got checked, healed, and my eczema is slowly on it's way to being under control again. I took my husband with me on my last checkup to hopefully help him understand it's not in my head. Stress is a factor to making it worse, but it's an immune condition that I can't control with my head.

Now back to the present. My husband told me he was unhappy with me because of my weight gain, those unresolved issues when we broke up, and the times I got drunk and ranted/raved at him. Of COURSE I totally don't blame him, and I understand. He told me that he would not leave me though like I did to him. We have been struggling ever since, almost a week now.

I've talked to friends about it and got both perspectives, from guys and girls. The guys say I should make everything up to him, be a great wife, and work hard to make it better. So, I made him a romantic dinner and threw on the lingerie, had fun with him all night after work on the 4th of July because he had to work that day. I've been cooking his favorite meals, keeping up with the house cleaning, everything I can think of. I try to act happy around him even though I'm still really distraught and depressed, crying every time I'm alone.

The girls gave me a different perspective. They told me that it's obvious I have needs that are not being fulfilled and so does he. They said I should make a list of my needs, not wants mind you but needs, and share it with him, tell him what he is doing good and tell him things I think he needs to work on, and he should do the same. I kind of integrated this idea with the guys' perspective, and wrote a list of 50 things I love, appreciate, and respect about my husband and gave it to him that night of the 4th. He read it but didn't say anything and hasn't since.

So here's where I'm at now. What in bloody blazes do I do. I thought about asking him to make a list of positive things about me in return, but I haven't yet. I realize you can't make someone love you again, it just kind of happens one way or the other, but I am trying to figure out how to cope until then. I am just trying to be strong.

And I am fearful. I'm afraid that I will have to basically kiss his feet to get him to love me again, and that will put us right back to where we were when we broke up for 7 months the first time. That just wouldn't be healthy. I want to find balance.

As for my weight, hey, maybe we should have it out more often because I have eaten less than three meals worth in the past five days. I am struggling to not starve myself but I have just lost my appetite. Either way, the weight loss is starting.

I know these are pretty big issues but any ideas would really help me a lot. Thanks for taking the time to read this huge post.

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