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First of all, I could not get through your volumes of concerns. It's too long for one post, and this tells me a couple of very important facts about your situation. You are very upset, very afraid, and working like a fiend to keep this ill-fated marriage together. This also tells me that you would benefit from some individual counseling therapy and, perhaps, separate from your spouse while you sort some of this out for yourself. What he does, what his family does, what his friends do.....you do not have control over any of this. You only have control over your own choices and decisions, and making a wise decision and choice requires heavy duty contemplation, not knee jerk emotions. In other words, what we feel is not what "is." What "is" doesn't involve feelings or emotions - it just "is." And, it "is" a fact that you cannot manage this dysfunctional family. You can only manage yourself, bottom line.
You feel obligated to make the world a good place for this man - to make up for his family dysfunction so, in due time, he will trust you, love you, and appreciate everything that you do and sacrifice for him. In return, he will stop behaving badly, stand up against his dysfunctional family, and finally become the man that you know he can be. This will never, ever happen.
If he is not being honest in therapy, he's not going to be honest in recovering, and he isn't honest or truthful with you in daily life, either. Yeah, you're married and you had a wedding and all of that, but you are young enough to learn from this decision, sort yourself out for a couple of years, and try, again. What you thought isn't what "is."
Nobody has the power or control to make a tin can turn into a fluffy kitten, and this guy is bad news. His family is bad news. I was married to someone that seemed different from his family and I made myself believe that he was a great fellow. He was a very, very bad man and I'm not going into what he did in this post. The point I'm trying to make is that we often will try to make something fit into our systems of beliefs and values when whatever it is clearly cannot and will not. This fellow will not turn out the way you're expecting him to.
Good luck to you.
My wife is 53 and uses estrogen cream to combat menopausal hot flashes. How long after application should I stop being concerned about the transfer of said estrogen from her skin to mine?
She seems to believe #1 is the right answer, claiming that it is rapidly absorbed and not a threat after that. However my paranoia prevails.
My question has largely to do with morning sex. She puts the stuff alternately on the back of her knees and on her forearms, either of which I will definitely come in contact with during a normal roll in the hay.
Your post leaves a lot of unanswered questions. Your issues are fear, control, and standing up for yourself. So I assume that with all this you avoid conflict and confrontation at all costs. In a relationship of 13 years, no matter how good it is, these factors have to affect the relationship in one way or another. And the question comes to mind, do you consider it a good relationship because you always put yourself second or last?
The thing is, the way we were raised and the impressions made upon us in childhood follow us throughout the rest of our lives.
However, this can be undone with proper therapy. There are qualified therapists out there that can help you heal and give you balance. All it takes is looking. The bottom line for someone living with these issues is low self-esteem. I do want to say that these issues are not resolved immediately. It sometimes takes time for healing and self discovery to take place.
Good luck to you and I wish you my best.
Luella
refreshed
14 y
1,404
† C †
MatrixMaven
14 y
4,629
† C †
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