I am so sorry for your grandchildren. Ultimately, it is the children who are the most damaged. They do not have a choice as to whom their parents will be. And, for those of us who are immersed in such a relationship, unless we have a personal epiphany, we tend to remain because we know what miseries we'll face every day. Leaving requires risk, and most of us have gotten to the point that nothing is worth the risk - we can't risk defending ourselves as it's an exercise in futility; we can't risk leaving because we haven't been allowed to develop a network of friends to help us along; we refuse to risk because risk is scary.

You mentioned that the father has visitation each week? Are the parents divorced, in the process, or just separated?

There might be a few options available to help your grandkids, but it'll have to be done on the sly, perhaps. More info on the parental relationship would be helpful. For now, just keep a low profile and validate those precious lives whenever you have an opportunity.

I haven't been here for about a week and I didn't catch your earlier posts, but from your previous post, I got an idea of what the kids are experiencing and I'll try to elaborate on the experience of a child. I grew up in a dysfunctional family and my parents first separated when I was 15 and divorced years later (of course, divorce comes from dysfunctional families). I suffered 51 years of suicidal Depression (not uncommon among children of divorced parents) until last year I became the last living member of my family. All my life I had a feeling that something was wrong (I didn't know where or how anything would be wrong or even if it was a "true" feeling). I never knew what that feeling was, but somehow it was very strong. A few years ago I heard a "man" talk about being the victim of his divorce and wondered how his children would be affected. Then I realized that they will have that feeling also. Not to be melodramatic, but, in short, I am a "man without a country" and could never fully relate/connect MY reality to society (kind of like a "fourth wall", term used in theater for the difference between stage/character reality and audience reality). Months later, I noticed that I never had that feeling again after I realized that the feeling was not because I had done something wrong (I was not at fault for anything).

Divorce (or separation, dysfunctional SET of parents, lack of family integrity and harmony,...NON-INTEGRAL family) means that the child will have the inability to claim a strong family heritage/lineage and not consider themselves a viable part of society. She places all belief and understanding of what is normal and proper living in her parents. In other words, she thinks it is normal, proper and good to be "ragged out" by her father and will continue to think that she should be belittled and ridiculed (and criticized for every discrepancy) for life until she is taught that it is wrong that she be treated like this BY ANYONE,...but she also needs to understand that THIS IS NOT THE PROPER WAY OF LOVE. She is being CONDITIONED (not intentionally for SOCIAL living, but a narcissist does condition their victims to accept future mistreatment) and will feel obligated to always accept mistreatment from strangers and "friends". You will have to let her KNOW and understand that she doesn't deserve to recieve ridicule and belittlement (care must be taken for your own safety, get the mother on your side and make sure she understands to take your back if he gets mad at you). Lack of self-esteem is not the issue, it is more important than that, it is SELF-PERSECUTION (self-abasement) for every imaginable violation of what others might consider proper (she will pick on herself incessantly). She can survive mistreatment as long as she knows and understands that she does not deserve mistreatment, but also needs to understand that she is not at fault. Explain this to her and never let her forget it (you will save her life).

Teach her to know herSELF so she can establish her identity.

Sorry this post is so long.

Is there any possibility of your attending a counseling session with your daughter? This might be a good avenue for you to bring up the subject of narcissism. However, be advised that most counselor/therapists are absolutely incapable of discerning a narcissist without having first experienced it, themselves. If your daughter has been in counseling as long as she's been separated (probably before), she needs a new counselor that specializes in domestic violence and abuse, period. There is also a book written by a narcissist about narcissism that you might want to just drop in her lap, one day, called, "The Malignant Narcissist." It can be found at Amazon.com. Sorry, I forget the author!

In the meantime, your haven of safety is helpful and healthy to the children, but it is important to understand that they have been conditioned to expect drama and trauma, at every moment. As insane as it may sound, there is always an element of surprise and expectation within an abusive environment - a sort of twisted feeling of "excitment," if you will. We know it's going to happen, but we just can't predict when he's going to go off. It took me a long, long time to become accustomed to peace and harmony and it only happened through determination and the help of abuse counselors.

The children need to be in counseling, as well. They have witnessed far more abuse and violence than you could ever imagine, in your wildest dreams. It is likely, probable, and an almost certainty that your daughter has been physically and sexually abused either in front of the children or behind closed doors. And, just because he perpetrated his sins against their mother "in private" does not, in any way, mean that the children were oblivious of their mother's torment. They don't have to see it to experience the repercussions.

Below are a few sites that will help you understand more about how an intelligent, self-assured person can become so immersed as the victim of a narcissist. Perhaps, you can choose some of the information, print it out, and give it to your daughter.

Unfortunately, she sounds as if she's horribly codependent (HE is the central focus of her life, divorce or not), in deep denial, and her counselor/therapist has dropped the ball. At this point - 14 months later - it would be reasonable for her to begin feeling outrage and anger at the sins that were perpetrated against her and her children, so it might be reasonable to suggest that she seek a new counselor.

"But, it takes so long to develop a rapport," is the weakest excuse for switching therapists - it's the counselor/therapist that makes us FEEL that is the one we need to find. A good counselor will empathize with their client, but they won't allow bullsh*t to hinder the work that needs to begin.

Best of luck to you and your family - keep up the positive energy, affirmation/validation for the children, and try to protect your Self from the negative energy that's produced by this warped relationship.

Sites:

http://www.healthline.com/galecontent/narcissism


http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/narcissistic-personality-disorder/DS00652


http://www.HowToSpotADangerousMan.com
site specifically for women

http://www.ptypes.com/narcissisticpd