20 years...and falling apart! 
#30087
18 y
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Not sure where to start , however I do know I need some advise desperately! I have been married for 20 years to my one and Only! We've had our ups and downs, like most couples but everything has finally come to a head and I am so lost and confused . To keep this as brief as I can......we married young,me (18), Him (19) I always knew I wanted to be married but he did not thru our younger years and this resulted in a confession to me after 10 years married. He cheated on me three times.
By this time we already had our first son. I decided to give him the chance and he has proven himself time and again for the past ten years. It was me who didn't take the chance and I had a terrible time trying to deal with forgiving him completely.
I would live in the past and every given moment I would through it in his face about what he had done. Why? I have muttled thru my feelings, hate, resentment, Depression and finally sickness , this all happened because it was like we never even skipped a beat and carried on with life going to work, raising the kids...etc.. I needed constant reassurance and I became sooo insecure because of this and became so blind to how good he was to me. He always said he would make it up for the rest of our lives and he has. So trust was my biggest issue with him and it led us down a cold and unfeeling place where there were no more friends, practicly no family , and no happiness because we were suffocating eachother and both of us were officially doing it to ourselves and eachother !
Now that it has come to a head we both agree that we want us to stop hurting one another . I have never seen it more clearly than ever before, but is it too late?
He has become very distant and is very depressed, says he doesn't know if he can give me another chance because he doesn't think I will "let him live it down" or forgive him completely. Now that I know that he is sincere and has been and I actually see it , I know I can get past it. But now it is him who has the change of heart and I just don't know how to tell him that I do forgive him and want him, and love him and trust him...it just seems like the rolls reversed and now he won't come around to trusting me or beleive me. Neither of our doings make this right....We have a lot of work to do , I am fully aware of that and we will be going to therapy but will it be enough?
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- Re: 20 years...and falling apart! molly bloom
18 y
2,087
This is a reply to # 670,502Gosh, I think you said it all. I'm sure you told him what you told us, right? If you've been together for 20 years, then I should think that you are able to say these things to each other, coming from a very honest place.
I would tell him that you know that words are empty, and you want to know how you could prove this to him through action. Let him give you the agenda about what he wants to see from you. Then you will need to follow through completely, and consistently check yourself for violations. If he can't come up with an agenda, then you need to prod a bit, and help him. You both need parameters and boundaries. Without boundaries, it's a free for all with emotions out of control.
If he is as worthy as you say he is, then that would be your price to keep a good man.
You can say this now, or you can say it in therapy, doesn't matter, as long as you communicate it to him as honestly as you communicated it to us. Vulnerability is OK to show a spouse, in fact, in some cases, it's helpful. You can say you are sorry, it's OK and will not make you weak. There should be no strong and weak person in a relationship, there is just communication and honesty.
Heck, if it were me I'd say something like...."you know, I was angry and hurt about what you did to me, and I had a right to feel that way, but I made a mistake, and did not resolve my anger, and now you have the right to feel hurt by me. I want to change, and I need to know how I can change my behavior to prove that I think you are worth the time and effort, because you have proven to me that you are honest and sincere."
That being said though, you need to make sure that you are over that anger. If you have not fully resolved that anger, then that is a very good thing to bring up in therapy too. It might have to be something you work on without him there though, because anger is an extremely personal issue. Anger can terrify a spouse, and they will most likely not understand.
I don't know you personally, but I would say that all is not lost if there was an agreement for therapy. Once a couple commits to going, then there is always hope.
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- Re: 20 years...and falling apart! #30087
18 y
2,057
This is a reply to # 670,503Thank you for responding !~
I have said that I am sorry! He beleives ten years is a lot of time to pay for his mistakes ! He is the one who carries the Anger now and it is Anger that I have never encountered before. It's to the point where he said that our love hasn't been enough and that we have to keep the emotion "LOVE" out of it cause it just screws up everything and everyone. He recently left for two weeks to go see a buddy and he has contacted me twice only because I left him 2 messages to let me know he got there o.k. He has left his Cell Phone off the entire time . He did tell me that I wasn't to expect a decision from him when he returned. I was fine with that too. His Anger is really, really bad. He has told me that he is not able to make a decision at this time because he refuses to make one out of anger.
You are right about asking how he wants me to show him because he said "saying Sorry doesn't cut it!" No I know that, it means making sure it doesn't happen again.
I have been vulnerable as you said but this time it's so different from all our other fights , he is keeping his distance, he won't smile, laugh,touch...It's really scary for me !
I have worked on my anger, I have muttled thru so many emotions , it litterally feels like we have switched rolls as I mentioned before. Now he is resenting me, now he is angry, now he is cold, now he is distant, unaffectionate..., not interested as well with our two boys.etc...It all started over something else as well on July 8th and then everything else came into it.
Now he is on the way home and the anticipation is unbearable, we know he is coming back but don't know when (which day or time). He mentioned that he may move in with his buddy for a while till he get's his head screwed on , this is in a totally different area, far away and I am worried that I can't handle the boys all by myself , they are 15, and 4 both with adhd... I hardly know the area we live in now ...(because of a recent move) I have been an emotional basket case since he left and I have been crying anywhere and anytime in front of whoever.
I still went ahead and made him a "Welcome back, We missed you"sign with the boys and then made hearts out of post it notes and covered the bedroom wall in the shape of a heart . Each one says something ...Love, Hope, Patience, I missed you,Welcome back, Forgive me, let's work this out!, let's talk, I need you, I want you....etc...so i will have to see what happens....
Thanks a million...it's nice to know I can talk to someone when I have no one!
- Edited #57989
18 y
2,140
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This is a reply to # 670,505I hate to say it and can't wait to hear the lectures, but my advice is to buy some cute lingerie and make up a wine and cheese basket for the return.
Nothing will stop him in his tracks like a great rocknroll cd, rose petals, wine, cheese and really salty crackers - not kidding.
If you wanna give this a last big push, make him feel like he can't believe his luck by creating an all out date for his return - and here's the punchline...don't bring up the past. Zilch, nada, etc.. (This is the part that makes him feel like he can't believe his luck.)
I have yet to meet or read about a man who looks at a bedroom screaming Aerosmith, strewn w/rose petals, you in red lingerie, The 40 Year Old Virgin on Dvd, cheap red wine and 3-4 pounds of cheese on ritz crackers and says, "No, this is not for me"
I think you might be on last ditch ground - what do you have to lose?
My 3 cents (and then some).
babycakes- Re: More unsolicited advice... #30087
18 y
1,916
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This is a reply to # 670,506Babycakes,
Things are in motion I just didn't want to get into that too much, I just hope he doesn't refuse me (Too tired driving for three days)...but your right what do I have to loose at this point...:)
- Re: More unsolicited advice... #30087
18 y
1,943
J.Crow’s® Lugol’s Iodine
Free S&H.Restore lost reserves.J.CROW’S®Lugol’s Iodine Solut...
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Dental work and fillings, not a problem.
This is a reply to # 670,508Babycakes,
Things are in motion I just didn't want to get into that too much, I just hope he doesn't refuse me (Too tired driving for three days)...but your right what do I have to loose at this point...:)
- Re: More unsolicited advice... molly bloom
18 y
2,069
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This is a reply to # 670,509I really don't think he wants to see desperation, eh? Perhaps you might want to tone it down a bit. He's been gone for a bit, and trying to deal with issues. I'd say hitting him over the head with all that attention might get him a bit flighty.
I think that being charming and full of grace....jovial but not over the top. It's understandable you are nervous, but you don't want to scare him.
Go ahead and show your good side. Try to be like you were before the troubles. Absolutely tell him that you are glad he's back, and you missed him....but let him adjust back in without a bunch of hoopla. He just wants the happy, normalcy of his family. Of course, let the kids do whatever they want, kids are kids.
But if you can keep it together...show lots of teeth, make it very pleasant for him...but don't go crazy.
In the end, it won't matter what you do or don't do. I think you've done what you could. The man needs to make up his mind. Unfortunately, it is pretty hard to hold onto someone that absolutely doesn't want to be there, even if they are just confused for the time being.
You need to be strong for yourself and your kids. Get to a place of strength before he comes home. Get centered. Don't play dramatic scenarios out in your head, it will just make it harder, and you really don't know how this is going to play out. But you do need to think about what will happen should he leave...or stay.
Good luck and let us know how it goes......GOOD LUCK TO YOU.
Molly- Edited #57989
18 y
1,970
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This is a reply to # 670,510But I think she can be herself from a place of strength. Don't break out the dancing bears, but she/you (not trying to talk about you as if you were not in the room...) can feel good about who she was when she started this thing twenty years ago and conjure up a little of that.
Key to feeling okay w/what you're doing. Explain nothing and do what you would've anyway.
Me, I just feel good when I break out the Ritz crackers and the warming gel...
babycakes
P.S. It sucks and blows simultaneously when you have no idea when someone important is coming...- Re: MB, you are right. #30087
18 y
1,887
This is a reply to # 670,511One baby step at a time, if it was meant to be It will happen...
Thanks!
- Re: MB, you are right. #30087
18 y
1,887
- Re: More unsolicited advice... #30087
18 y
1,947
This is a reply to # 670,510Well I just spent the entire night up cause I thought he would walk through the door at any given moment. Your right about taking it slow, Don't want to do anything to upset things more. Strength, I'll have to work on that today cause I need it after last night. He has always been my source of strength, I feel so empty, the pain is worse when he is not around. I know it will be my price to pay, it is totally worth it to me to give this one last shot. He is worth it to me.
I will however have to prepare myself just incase, how prepared can a person get though? I can't see ever being fully prepared....I will just have to see what transpires from him having been away.
Thank again molly!- Re: More unsolicited advice... molly bloom
18 y
2,420
R
This is a reply to # 670,513You can't be....
I used to think my ex was worth this fight, and I also could not see myself without him. I remember the day he stood in front of me and said he wanted a divorce. I was in total denial, and stayed living with him for 4 agonizing months after.
With that particular relationship, in hindsight, he did us both a huge favor. The relationship actually sucked, and I was too close to the woods to see the trees. But I had all the same feelings you are now.
Now, not that your relationship sucks like mine did.....I guess the point I'm trying to make is, it's been 25 years (I was about 10 years younger than you are now), and I am very happy. When I realized that it was not going to continue, I went into self preservation mode. All my survival instincts went into over drive. I took all the emotional energy I was throwing at him, and threw it at myself. And in time, I came to realize that I had spent years trying to hold onto this elusive man, and forgot about my very essence.
I'll never forget the day he wanted me back. I had just met the man who was to be my future husband. Even after all those years with him, I knew I didn't want to go back...I wanted to go forward. That was how strong and independent I became.
You've got that in you too. If you throw all that energy into keeping him, you will miss the most important part of the whole thing.
Let us know how it goes.
Molly- Re: More unsolicited advice... #30087
18 y
2,066
This is a reply to # 670,515Molly!
Yes the relationship has sucked ! we are both aware that we need to stop sabotaging eachother in it ! HONESTY is the only thing that will get us thru this, if eigther of us start thinking OTHERWISE ...it won't work. Along with some Hope it's all I have!
Thanks for sharing your story with me, I realize that I'm not the only women in the world that this has happened to. It's just so painful, I know that with time the pain goes away and that people do move forward...in every which way.
I actually thanked him for bringing us to this point in our lives , I told him that I was proud of him because I never had the guts to do it...Part of why I always wanted threatened to leave was because I needed it to stop...the hurt that is. We became two different people with eachother, people that we didn't want to be and we both realized that , we need to find ourselves.... Like he said we need to talk and we have done enough figting and leaving to last a life time....
Thanks Molly!- Re: More unsolicited advice... herb-gal
18 y
2,205
This is a reply to # 670,519I think the main reason he's so upset is that he knows that you screwing up his head was ultimately his fault.
He felt the need to be honest with you about what he did only because he loves you and he should have known it would blow up in his face.
Now I don't have too much experience with anything like that because my boyfriend and I have only been together for a little over a year and we've been in similar situations. He hurt me and it was really hard to get over and I hurt him in the process and it just ended up causing more problems. I think we're okay now though...it sucks to think about the past but if he's let it go, then you have to just take that and realize that it's you that got him over it. he realized that he wants to be with you and nobody else and you didn't let him go along with that.
You're both at fault and now he's making it about him because you spent ten years making it about you. Don't think you can expect what's going to happen when he does come through those doors because it will still be about him and you don't want to let yourself down. You just have to act on his emotions at the time and not try to prepare because even if you think you're prepared, you will find yourself having to deal with a situation entirely different from what you prepared yourself for. Some men can be very sensitive about things like this and he's not only giving himself time to think, but giving you the opportunity to catch a glimpse of what life without him is like...so you can decide if you'd be happier without him or not...also to focus on yourself for a while. Because when a man cheats, you can't get over it with him around 24-7 as a constant reminder of the break in loyalty...just looking at him made you think about it sometimes, am I right?
Hurts your ego because he did it and you didn't...
Anyway, like I said, don't make it all about him, focus on yourself and your life with out him because there's always a chance that you will have to continue your life that way and that's also something you need to prepare yourself for...otherwise you will be slapped in the face again and have to deal with something major in the midst of the worst emotional drop you can go through.
He's focusing on himself right now and as hard as i know it is, you need to do the same.- Re: More unsolicited advice... #30087
18 y
1,955
This is a reply to # 670,521Hi! Hebal gal!
All I can say is that you are right...the truth hurts...in many ways...That was deep..
Thanks!
- Re: More unsolicited advice... #30087
18 y
1,955
- Re: More unsolicited advice... herb-gal
18 y
2,205
- Re: More unsolicited advice... #30087
18 y
1,955
This is a reply to # 670,515I hope I become that strong and independant! It's freaking me out at times. It's like I'm in schock! We went to therapy Friday and that's when he spilt the beans and said that he is leaving this tuesday! He gave me his wedding ring and said that he wasn't worth keeping and that he needs to find himself, he is too much in an angry state to continue like this and that he knows what he is loosing but he needs to do this for him.
Please help , me find some strength!It's really weird! It's like one day we are fighting and the next it's over...over something completely different, he won't even look at it...- Edited #57989
18 y
1,854
This is a reply to # 670,553Is he staying in the house w/you until Tuesday?
Has he said where he is going?
He sounds like one confused puppy.
babycakes- Re: More unsolicited advice... #30087
18 y
1,914
This is a reply to # 670,554Babycakes,
Well Tuesday came and he is gone! He packed his belongings and left to go back to his Friends place. We parted as friends. He actually wanted a hug after all this time, he said that he knows what he is loosing and that it's probably the biggest mistake he will ever make but it's for him to find out.
He is currently being diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, if anyone is familiar with it , will understand that they usually experience a total family breakdown because everything including the most simplest things are too overwhelming for them. Anger being the biggest set back of all. He doesn't believe he has it but the therapist and everyone else around him say's he does, so five out of one chances that he does. We are seperating , so that we can find who we are, that got totally lost in our relationship. He did stuff because he thought it would make me happy and I did the same for him, only to learn that , was not what we wanted. So we let go , maybe it will work, maybe it won't only time will tell, it hurts like hell , but it's something we both need to find out for sure this time. He said find and do the things that make me happy and he will be doing the same....
- Re: More unsolicited advice... #30087
18 y
1,914
- Edited #57989
18 y
1,854
- Re: More unsolicited advice... #30087
18 y
2,066
- Re: More unsolicited advice... molly bloom
18 y
2,420
R
- Edited #57989
18 y
1,970
- Re: More unsolicited advice... molly bloom
18 y
2,069
- Re: More unsolicited advice... #30087
18 y
1,943
- Re: More unsolicited advice... #30087
18 y
1,916
- Edited #57989
18 y
2,140
- Re: 20 years...and falling apart! #30087
18 y
2,057
- Edited #57989
18 y
1,916
This is a reply to # 670,502I know this will be an unpopular answer and I'm only expressing a personal opinion, but you might want to consider moving on.
I wasted, no wasted is not the right word, I spent years in a relationship after my husband cheated on me. I never forgave him fully and he ultimately resented me for it.
We tried and tried and therapized (ha), but it was never right again.
I don't know if what you have is worth saving at all cost, but I do know life is short. I got to the point where I could not even look at hubby.
We married very young too and it only lasted 6 years, but they are 6 years I would like back...
My 2 cents.
babycakes- Re: Spilt milk... #30087
18 y
1,933
This is a reply to # 670,504Babycakes,
Trust me I have considered moving on...I don't want to! I know what I would be loosing! I know we both have our faults, I know my mistakes and I want to change to better myself...especially for me if anything! 20 years is a long time and although I may only be in my late 30's...I really don't want to have someone else's shit come along and start the guessing to figure it out again...I've gone thru enough and I can't picture myself with anyone else...I do Love him...always have...always will..
Life is short....
- Re: Spilt milk... #30087
18 y
1,933
- Another spin on this..... Southern Belle
18 y
2,061
This is a reply to # 670,502My heart literally ached when I read your post. I have been in exactly the same place you are in and I know exactly what you are going through.
I agree with both posters who gave you great advice. Try everything, try nothing, beg, be yourself, etc. Whatever you feel like doing at the time, do it.
But, I couldn't help but wonder.........If he cheated on you three times during the first ten years of marriage, is he doing it again? Could it be possible that he is just using YOU to take the blame this time?
I mean, he told you he was staying with a buddy, but he turns off his Cell Phone ?
For me, reading your post showed red flags sticking out everywhere.
I want to be wrong, but my lst husband begged for forgiveness for his wandering eye and promised never to do it again. He would lay low for awhile, but he would always fall back into his old ways. I am going through it right now with a close friend. He, too, promised never to cheat and waited 4 years, but he is right back to his old ways, too.
I don't mean to raise suspicions where they do not need to be, but keep your eyes open.
Paulette- Expand 20 messages, 21 to 40 of 40 #30087
18 y
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- Re: 20 years...and falling apart! molly bloom
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