Let me warn you, get a cup of tea, or beverage of your choice, this is a long one. I am not too sure where to start, the beginning of my misery started, realistically 11 years ago. I can make the first 5 years fly, as not to bore you. I met, whom is now my husband of 6 years, in 1993, at that time I had just seperated from my first husband. My first husband was abusive (physically) after 1 year of marriage I left before one of us was on the front page of the paper and the other was in another, less desireable part of the paper, if you follow. When I met my currant husband, I was swept away, and truthfully I don't know why. It was frustration from the get go. He was still married, and lied, said it was over, they only shared the house....blah blah blah. Not worth talking about, because anyone that has lived knows this story. I was 22 and very naive, obviously. I saw his beautiful eyes, he was older by 6 years and seemed to be successful, he was charismatic, but he also liked his Budweiser. Now if you knew me, you would know I never had a thing to do with a person that drank, because my Dad was an alcoholic and I came from a pretty messed up family. For some reason, I fell for him. He seperated, we moved in together, he drank, did whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted with whomever he wanted, if you follow. Well as far as I KNOW, and "know" being the key word, he only cheated on me with one very unattractive broad at the bar. I was crushed, but stayed. I started to leave and he begged me not to....and so I stayed. Things never got great but there were good times, here and there. He is an alcholic, but he functions, meaning he gets up and goes to work, he doesn't mix his drinking with his work, but let me be the first to tell you, whether it mixes or not, it messes up EVERYTHING. Like a fool, in 1998, I married him. He, lets say, convinced me. I felt like I was almost 30 and if I wanted children I had to, for my own reasons, be married. So we got married. In 1999 I left the career I had since 1989 for a totally different career path. A man, whom I met at my long time place of employment had offered me a position, which upon investigation, I couldn't pass up. There was one downside, which I knew. The man that offered me the job, I was very attracted to. There has only been a handful of men that I can say I have been THAT attracted to. It was mental and physical attraction, the whole package. Big problem, both married and he had two beautiful children. Well, as you can probably already imagine, we started working together, flirting more and more, when one night I told him I couldn't keep flirting like we were, he asked why, and I told him why...I was too attracted to him and I had to stop. He kissed me, and the rest is as they say, history. I fell instantly in love with him, I think I really fell in love with him the first day I laid eyes on him, but he was married (I was not). Things were absolutely amazing between us, in every way. He is my soul mate, if anyone is a believer out there. I can't explain it, I just know it. Some of you may view that as a mistake, having an affair, but for us, we truly fell in love. He made the decision to leave his perfect life, but I begged him to wait, to make sure he was leaving for him and only him, not for me. This is a good man, with an incredible heart who just settled like I did with someone that wasn't what their soul needed. But I never ever wanted to be the reason for his leaving, I wanted him to want it all for himself, with or without me. He did leave, a beautiful new home and his beautiful children, who he loves more than life itself. He would truly die for them and when he left he felt like he was doing them a favor, because they were living a lie. On my side, I was packing, I was leaving, and my pathetic husband started with the sitting around, crying all the time, not being able to function and begging me to try marriage counseling. I felt like a louse, and I should have blurted out the truth, and I would have if the man I wanted to be with would allow me to do that, but he didn't want me to do that. My husband associates with guys that ride Harleys (a certain group or gang persay). In anycase, my husband talked to my mother, begged her to talk sense into me, and she said ....blah blah blah...don't make a mistake, you should at least give him another chance. So I decided in my head, not my heart, not my heart, never in my heart, to do just that, but the "chance" was only for everyone to see, there was nothing and it would never work, the love was gone, years gone. I had been walked on and taken advantage of and I finally found what I wanted in my life forever, no question. When I told, I will call him my love, my love about my plan, he freaked out, and without any question tried to reverse what he had done to his family, because he said he would rather be miserable with his kids than miserable without his kids. I thought I could change his mind, make him understand, but heck I didn't even understand anymore. It was so simple, go to this counseling, show everyone, including myself there was nothing and my leaving was undoubtedly the right decision, but somehow it all got messed up. Well it gets worse, much worse. I couldn't stay away from him, we loved each other and wanted each other, but it was all so messed up, we kept having intimacies. I got pregnant. I pretented the baby was my husband's, which was a slight possibility, only because we were together once, and not completely because I started crying, without going into too much detail I think you understand. So the very slight possibility was there that it was his, so I pretended to everyone it was. The man I loved would make comments about me having his baby, but I knew he couldn't take that on, so I kept saying it wasn't and I think we both convinced each other that that was the case. The baby, my beautiful son, was born in Jan of 2001. I spent the next months after his birth in a fog, depressed. I shut the man of my dreams out of my life, until one day when my son was 8 mths old, I called him. He had just met someone, two weeks before. So, I backed off again. We kept in touch, I went back to my old job. I have tried ever since to make my miserable life work all the while praying that someday I would be with the man I love forever. In November 2001 I found out I was pregnant again, this time, no doubt my husbands son. My second son was born in July 2002. I was a disaster my entire pregnancy. I had literaly been with my husband since having my first son, maybe a handful of times, if that, and I had to get pregnant, I was on birth control, but because I was breastfeeding, the doctor failed to tell me that the pills were less effective. I cried, and all I could think about was if I ever did have a chance to be back with my love, it was gone. Long story short, ok, not really, but I am doing my best to consolidate my miserable life. I hooked back up with the man last fall, we were intimate again, but he couldn't say he loved me again, he said he would never let anyone in again, like he did me, because I hurt him beyond repair. He knows that my son is his, but refuses to act on it. I gave him the opportunity, now when he is young to become a part of his life. I offered to tell everyone the truth, lose anything I do have, but I hate living this lie. I have this wonderful little boy, two wonderful little boys, but one is the product of a love like no other, I truthfully can't ever imagine loving anyone the way I love this man. I eat, sleep and drink him and have since August 1999, no lie. I think of him everyday and that has never changed. He is in my soul. I am married to a man I shouldn't be, but I am afraid to do this alone, I just don't know how. I am so lost. I may never be with the man I love, but I surely never will being where I am, he would never allow me in again, especially still being married to my husband, obviously. Now this man, won't even talk to me, he says he has to leave that part of his life in the past, so he can move on. He says this personal stuff kills him one little bit of a time. I am so lost, I am living a lie, and no way out. My son thinks his dad is someone that he is not, his real dad is this wonderful man and the most amazing father, but my son can't know him, instead he is living with a dad who is an alcholic, who is on anti depressents and who makes promises he can never keep. I need advice. I don't even know where to start. Please don't tell me not to be in love with this man, I am and I can assure you, that part is not up for debate. He doesn't know it, but he is my world, him and my boys, my world. I have screwed up my life, my childrens and this man's life, and everyone concerned, so badly, and I can't bear thinking about it all everyday. I am a stay at home mom, I own my house, but have no means to pay for it. My husband works for himself so can easily hide his wages and hasn't paid taxes in years, thankfully I keep all my taxes seperate. I was thinking of going back to my old job, but it would only pay for childcare. My boys are 3 1/2 and 2. To boot, my mother lives with us, she has a bad heart and has been disabled since her early 30's. I feel like I am sufficating, please, any advice, would be greatly appreciated. I guess I got what I deserved, but my boys don't deserve this, they are precious and young and have the whole world at their fingertips, I have to pull it together for them, but I don't know how anymore.
Please help!!