I'm stuck 
lost
21 y
1,254
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Hi, well, my girlfriend dumped me couple weeks ago because she said she doesn't want a relationship after we've only been going out for two months. although it was only two months, a lot has happened that we did together. a lot of stuff that was great and nice. We argued sometimes, but then we'd talk trhough things and eventually they never came up again. The week before she dumped me, she went away somewhere without telling me and without calling me so it was like she dissappeared. I kept trying to call her but she wasn't at home. anyways, when she came back, I tried to tell her about how she wasn't committed enough. big mistake I guess because she said that maybe we should take a break. so I gave her the space and everything and yet, after the week, she told me she didn't want the relationship. although we talked once again about the problems she found with it and found ways of working them out, she just didn't want to put in the effort. It was like she thought that realtionships aren't worth anything. now, I, myself, am emotional and what happened hurt me a lot. I can't even describe really how frustrated and totally unhappy I've been. I mean, I tried so hard to fix things and everything and yet, it was in the end a waste...It's just that I loved her so much and nothing came of it. she said that even though she may have feelings for me she still didn't want a relationship. I just don't think she should throw it away like this. I don't understand how she changed her mind. I mean, what happened to all the feelings she felt for me before she went away? it was like she just forgot everything. and I'm left alone, angry at the world for letting this happen. my friends all tell me to move on and I understand why, but I don't think this should just be left to die. I don't think it deserves to be just forgotten. I feel like I want to win her back, but whether I can or not, the answer most likely would be not. but if there was a small chance that I could, I think I should try. what should I do? I can't get over this. I can't even talk to her or make eye contact with her in the hall. but I know that if I'm to get through this something must be done. but what?- Re: I'm stuck #86212
21 y
1,250
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I had a similar situation,but i wasnt going out with the girl.She smiled and seemed a little bit interested.She was beautiful,but I did not feel I could handle any relatinship or friendship.It hurt a lot(nothing is worse than a broken heart),but even broken hearts can be overcome.Time Heals Wounds!
Life IS NOT fair,has dissapointments,awful things,but the Bible says "Justice is mine I will repay".I have some faith in God(Not Talking about organised religion nessecarily)....Most people that are depressed and upset have a negative view of the FUTURE,but God promises a better future...THATS WHAT KEEPS ME GOING.One mistake thats easy too make is putting faith in people,BUT people can let you down OFTEN.
A REAL FRIEND WILL BE THERE WHEN YOU NEED THEM.A REAL FRIEND DOES NOT DUMP YOU.
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- Re: I'm stuck #164931
21 y
1,171
This is a reply to # 61,595Hi,
I don't want to call you lost, because that is not the way that you should see yourself or that I see you. You are in transition on an adventure filled journey.
I am sorry that the relationship did not turn out the way that you expected.
In the past I have found myself on the side of the relationship that cared the most and ended up feeling used and dumped…. What I finally learned was to "Guard My Heart".
In just 8 short weeks how well can you really know someone? Many times we fall in Love (aka decide to be in Love; because Love is a decision) with someone only later to find that we have to change who we are to be with that person or to be loved by them. Yes, relationships are compromise, however if you do not see the same effort coming from your partner then you should consider that a red flag.
I finally learned that by simply enjoying the time with that special person, keeping the title of friend or good friend and "go through the seasons; winter, spring, summer & fall". Really getting to know that person, their values and goals. Make sure that you have are both going in the same direction. Then open your heart to LOVE. There are different kinds of love i.e., I love my Car, my House, my Family, and my Friend etc.... Guard your heart... don't let your heart get involved ON THAT LEVEL (i.e. I love my girlfriend) until you have gone through at least 3 seasons. Then you will know if this is a choice of lust, boredom, loneliness, or really Love and IF THIS PERSON DESERVES TO BE WITH YOU and if you can trust them with your heart. People come and go in our lives. Some are there just for a season and others for a lifetime. Slow down and figure out why someone is in your life before giving them your heart. Just give them your friendship.
Once I started to use the 4 seasons rule, I avoided feeling used and hurt because I was able to see things as they were because I was not blinded by "Love", lust or infatuation.
The other thing that I found was that before the “ONE”, there will be several counterfeits that you will learn some life lessons from- preparing you to be wonderful for Ms. Right, when she comes into your life.
Hang in there! Free yourself to move on in lifes journey. Free her from having to explain. Clearly she can not give you want you want or need otherwise she would have handled things differently. So why hang on to the bad thoughts or feelings. Free yourself....NEXT.... Move on. You will be glad that you did.
P.S. I have been married to Mr. Wonderful for over 3 years and I (we) am silly stupid happy with our relationship-smiles.
Check out the book- The 5 Love Languages. It is a great book for everyone.
- Re: I'm stuck lost
21 y
1,189
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I understand what you guys are saying, but I still can't get over her. I think about her all the time. I really miss her. We walk past eachother in the hallways like we don't know each other, I don't want this. I tried moving on, I even tried going out with another girl, but I couldn't feel anything. I still love my ex, I just can't. when I think about it, relationships are sorta complex, but they can be simple too right? I mean, it just feels like she doesn't want a relationship because she thought ours was too complicated, but it doesn't have to be.
I guess I just want us to be together again...is this the right thing to do? is it possible to change her mind? life just isn't as beautiful without her in the picture. I know people say that later you'll find more love, but the thing is, this love isn't finished yet. I still have her in my heart and no one can replace her. I understand her reasons, sorta, for not wanting a relationship, but I think her view is jaded after being in so many relationships already.Advertisement
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- Re: I'm stuck Precis
21 y
1,224
This is a reply to # 61,615I can feel for you lost...
Let me share something from my past.
I am a recovered alcoholic. This addiction caused me to lose the affection of someone I loved deeply - but had taken for granted. When she left me I didn't care, but months later, when I had some sobriety, she wanted nothing to do with me. To this day if I happen to see her in a public place, she will ignore me and pretend like I'm not even there.
At first I was sick over this whole thing - depressed, dejected, feeling sorry for myself, etc.-etc.!
I shared it with my sponsor and he just smiled and said, "This to will pass...". At the time I remember thinking to myself, "What a dumb thing to say!" but I was actually 'feeling' things and not medicating them and it hurt!
Give yourself time to heal and mourn. Don't become bitter and resentful towards her - or women in general - because ultimately that will only hurt you. Let her go...
I know its painful, but in a few years you will probably look back and wonder why.
I know this is probably not the best advice, but I felt I needed to share and maybe some of it will be helpful.
Doug
- Re: I'm stuck #164931
21 y
1,354
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I am very sorry that you are hurting....
If I were you.... I would give her some space. Get a new focus. You could be coming across to her as "too available" which could make her want even more distance from you. Write down on paper- what it is that you miss about her. Decide if you miss "her" or the relationship. Many times we want what we can't have because we can't have it. Examine yourself and decide if thats you.
Are you missing out on her? or is she missing out on you?
I hope that it is the latter...if it is not... then your focus should be on putting more value on YOU.
Best Wishes!Advertisement
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- Re: I'm stuck Precis
21 y
1,224
- Re: I'm stuck lost
21 y
1,189
- Re: I'm stuck miss_choc
21 y
1,192
MoreThis is a reply to # 61,595she obviously didnt deserve you!!!!
so as hard as it may be, you need to forget about her. she isnt worth it after all.
go out with your friends and have fun... meet new girls...
there are plenty more woman out there searching for guys just like you!
good luck!- Re: I'm stuck lost
21 y
1,239
This is a reply to # 61,626I don't think so, I think I did things that might have made her lose faith in her ability to love me. like I put pressure on her I think to care more. I did it unintentionally though, but it made her feel bad about herself I realized it and I tried my best to apologize to her and said that I would stop having expectations of her that were too much. sigh...it did it's damage though, and I seriously will change if she just gives me another chance. I really can't go on without her, I've tried everything, but I still always think of her and everything we've done, and I still want her back. I just can't bury this. Do you guys have any tips on how I can get her back? somehow show to her that I will change and that our relationship does actually have hope because seriously, we were happy together and I think we can still be happy together as long as she gives me another chance so that I can show her.
She's the only girl that I've felt this strongly for and she's really important to me in terms of hope for my happiness and hope for love in my life. I want a happy ending with her.Advertisement
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- Re: I'm stuck #163785
21 y
1,262
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”I was surprised by the effectiveness of it, and I wasn’t hungry.”
You do sound very young and infatuated with this girl.However, a relationship is only possible and viable if BOTH want it. It appears that she does not want to continue to see you. Your thinking that you somehow wrecked it is probably not true.It may give you some hope to believe this but from your post it seems that your behaviour was not destructive enough to cause her to pull away. My opinion is that you are a victim of 'unrequited love'. Just one of the potholes along the journey of life -very painful but not terminal. You are very articulate and your intelligence will serve you well if you can just take it a day at a time until all that pain subsides.... Good luck - Re: I'm stuck #164931
21 y
1,347
This is a reply to # 61,628This is a tough situation.
It sounds like you firmly do not want to let go of what was....
Please don't take my comments as too tough, because that is not my intent to add any hurt to your situation but to only add a new way of looking at things.
Personally, I think that you should take a time out, change directions and continue to grow yourself.
You say that you have changed. If when you were together, you were the person that you believe that you are today, then you would not have exhibited the behavior that she experienced with you. So with that said. How does she know that you have changed other than you saying that you have changed? Actions speak louder than words.
First of all, if I was she, and I felt that you burned me, I would not consider putting my hand back on the stove “unless I absolutely knew that it was off/safe and there was something on it that I sincerely wanted”.
Burn me once, shame on you. Burn me twice, shame on me.
Secondly, Perhaps you were the only one that was truly happy in the relationship.
If you want her back, she will have to see that you are different. As a woman, the only way that I have observed that a guy has changed is to give him another chance. I did not do that too often, especially if he did not exhibit the majority of the qualities that I wanted during the first go round. Do you know or did you ever discuss what she wanted in a guy? Do you know what she enjoys, what makes her happy and secure in a relationship?
I’ve been in several relationships where the guy changed to be what I wanted him to be or tried to and they never worked out. Most of my girlfriends and I find a man attractive if he is himself and makes us feel special. It is as simple as that. If the relationship is too much work then it is not worth it. Don’t get me wrong. All relationships are work…they are just not “too much” work. If they are, then you are in the wrong relationship. In her mind, does taking you back mean that she is taking a risk at being hurt the same way again. Are there other issues that she is concerned about that keep her away from a relationship with you? Why does it have to be now? If the love that you shared is that strong/deep, can’t it still be in 3 or 6 months? Give yourself some time to focus on something other than her. Give her some time to miss you.
Never put all of your eggs in one basket.
If you keep doing what you’re doing then you will keep getting what you’re getting.
If you pour water (hurt) onto someone most times they will not become dry (bounce back) in a matter of minutes. The time frame will depend upon the climate/conditions. They will either dry slowly or fast.
Love is a Choice. Love is Action. You can decide what love looks like and hope that her view of what it looks like is the same. That is something you should discuss in the beginning of every relationship.
My final thought for you is to give her some time, but more importantly give yourself some time. I am sure that if you allow yourself to have a different focus you will be more pleased with the outcome.
Best wishes.
P.S. If you are really serious about that/any relationship…
Go to the bookstore or library and check out the book
“The 10 Stupid Things Men Do To Mess Up Their Lives”
You will be glad that you did. It changed my husbands life.
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- Re: I'm stuck( not for long) #163951
21 y
1,261
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”I was surprised by the effectiveness of it, and I wasn’t hungry.”
I read all the replies to your post and the one above from 'monicaeh' really disturbs me . It is blaming and attacking but masquerades as advice giving. It is not a man's job to twist and bend himself out of shape to please some woman.That type behaviour is unnecessary and not desirable.Stand up straight and tall and stay the way that you are. Ignore that idiotic book that she recommended, you need one entitled, " How to choose a sincere woman"..- Re: I'm stuck( not for long) #164931
21 y
1,333
This is a reply to # 61,638Ouch...Jimmie.
I am sorry that you feel disturbed. Clearly you have misunderstood my message(s). I am not here to offend anyone although after your post I now feel offended.
I am a kind, sensitive, positive, direct, communicative and giving type of person. Advise and opinions are just that. It is unfortunate that when you are trying to share a new perspective to help someone, that you have to take the time to defend your own good intentions.
I do not believe in Sugar coating a point or hurting someone with a point. I was simply sharing, in my humble attempt to be helpful to a person that was hurting looking for some answers. An opinion is just that, an opinion. Although, I disagree with yours, I am “very happy” that you have one. Smiles. However, I never said as you stated that anyone “should bend out of shape to please someone else”… Where did you get that? Wow.
Well to be clear and direct, my view on that subject is that a person should “only” change if they choose to change for the purpose of making themselves into the person that they want to be “for themselves”. For example, if I am with someone that decides to leave me for being overweight, I have 3 choices. I can choose to stay overweight and let that person leave me. I can choose to lose the weight so that he will stay or I can lose the weight for myself and decide if I want to stay with someone that does not accept me the way that I am. It is all about choices. I believe that positive change is good. I believe that a person should change to become the best person that they can be…Not for the other person but for themselves because it is what they want for themselves. It is up to each of us to decide when, why and how we will change.
Lastly, many of my friends and acquaintances call me frequently for relationship advice and feel that I am usually on the mark.
So again Jimmie, I am sorry if you are disturbed by my effort to help someone look at things from a different angle. I was under the impression that that’s what a forum was all about. My efforts are to share information that I have experienced and others have shared with me, so that someone can learn from some of my mistakes “if they choose to”. I never said that my view was the only view or the right view; I would be foolish to think of myself in that way. Without going into total detail I will share that I have experienced a lot more than most, in my short 42 years of life and that I totally understand in complete detail about abandonment issues... I have read over 100+ books on the subjects of dating, relationships, divorce and marriage. Not to mention the other books that I have read. I have been in the lowest darkest place. However, after taking a time out for myself, focusing on growing me (reading & listening to others that have some wisdom), and changing my behaviors, not allowing just anyone in my life, learning from my mistakes (poor choices) the mistakes of friends and acquaintances I have made better choices and now I am HAPPY, HAPPY, HAPPY and have been for over 7 years now. Again, so it is clear, I am sorry if I have upset you in any way because that was not my intent. My intent is & was to simply share another perspective. I am not sorry for having wisdom and an opinion. I do take my own advice- smiles.
Best Wishes,
P.S. Another good book to read is “The 10 Stupid Things Women Do To Mess Up Their Lives”. It worked for me.
- Re: I'm stuck-reply to Monicaeh #163951
21 y
1,362
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The point that I was trying to make is this -The original post from "i'm stuck" indicated a lovesick, infatuated, distressed teen who was searching for some way to get his love interest to return his affection. Instead of addressing his needs you launched into a lengthy rant about getting " burned", and how she may feel about getting back again. Huh? where in his post did it suggest that her feelings about getting "burned" were an issue? You forced your own issues into this and tried to make the poor guy "wrong" by suggesting that he needs to get that book to make him OK ..He is Ok just the way he is and he does not need you or anyone else to tell him that he needs to be more than he is.
He is going thru one of those painful breakups in which his mind is searching for a strategy to get her back. If she wanted to come back she would be doing exactly that.If a woman wants to be with a guy she will find a way to make that unmistakedly clear to him. She is going in the opposite direction and he is shattered.He will recover.Advertisement
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- Re: I'm stuck-reply to Monicaeh #164931
21 y
1,280
This is a reply to # 61,648Jimmie,
So, now you’re the psychic network…this conversation with you has become more negative and old. As the caring person you try to portray yourself as, you should have apologized to me for hurting my feelings, however you are clearly abrasive, rude and obsessed with the need to be right and have the last word.
I simply posted on this site to help a hurting person that asked for others opinions, see things from more than one perspective. Having more than one persons view on a forum allows a person to have more data to make more informed choices. In any relationship there are at least two views to everything. I does not matter who is right and who is wrong. That is not important.
(How childish).
In his posts, he shared his views about her, his views of what he thinks she feels, his views of what he wants, why and what she said about their situation. Your comments about me making him feel that he is not ok are so off base. Perhaps someone should read my post to you out loud, so that you can read his or her lips and understand what I actually said. You act as if someone broadening his or her horizons and growing is a bad thing. You say that he is OK the way that he is… Ok has a lot of meanings… He said that he sees himself as lost and is very HURT. That’s not ok. It is hurt and lost.
For the last time, he asked for the suggestions in his posts. I am tired of defending myself to you. You are typing comments that I did not say or imply. The bottom line is that I (as imperfect as I am) try to communicate with the best intentions, in practical, clear and truthful terms. Unlike you (Mr. your view is the only and perfect one), I avoid beating around the bush, living in denial, or telling people what I think that they want to hear so that they can continue to repeat the same choices that allow them to be in the situation that they are trying to change (Hurt or otherwise). So, if you choose to warm fuzzy someone into repetitive behaviors, or sweep the real issues under a rug then good for you. I don’t.
I have a DRAMA-FREE HAPPY LIFE and an open mind. Mostly because I choose to focus on solutions and NOT spend my time talking with perfect, negative problem/conflict focused people. All of the happy people that I know seek to grow and improve themselves. Have a light bulb moment. Change is good. Books are good. Reading is fundamental. Smiles
I hope the VERY BEST for Lost whether it is with this young lady, alone or with someone else. I’m sure that he will find his way.
As for you…free to type more abrasive, mean spirited, misinterpretation focused, conflict creating posts so that you can feel conquering getting what you clearly need…. the last word.
YOU WIN. I choose to have no more posts for you.
Best Wishes (Sincerely. But Take off the gloves, Lose the Thorns)
- Re: I'm stuck-reply to Monicaeh #163951
21 y
1,188
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You still do not get it Monica - however, your sniveling sentimental swill which masquerades as advice is not helpful to "i'm stuck". Your replies are rambling hostile pukes without focus or substance. You may be able to delude yourself that you are a compassionate caring and sharing type, but the tone and vibe in your posts are unmistakeably arrogant and self-important.
You are one of those women who have appointed yourself the saviour of the "wounded" - you are a freakin'know-it-all without the skills or intelligence to pull it off. Get lost.
- Re: I'm stuck-reply to Monicaeh #163951
21 y
1,188
- Re: I'm stuck-reply to Monicaeh #164931
21 y
1,280
- Re: I'm stuck-reply to Monicaeh #163951
21 y
1,362
- Re: I'm stuck( not for long) #164931
21 y
1,333
- Re: I'm stuck( not for long) #163951
21 y
1,261
- Re: I'm stuck miss_choc
21 y
1,092
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”I was surprised by the effectiveness of it, and I wasn’t hungry.”
why didnt u say so before....you are completely in love with her!!!
nothing gets in the way of love, so go get her tiger!!!!
you must know something or someway to get her back...you know her better than any of us and somewhere in that heart of yours u know exactly how to get her back.
it may be as simple as buying her flowers and being there when she opens her eyes one morning, it could be getting up early one day to write, "i love you" in dozens and dozens of red roses on her front lawn...or it could be, singing her favourite love song in front of billions of people or something even more special taking her on a trip of a lifetime..a romantic getaway....
there are some way to steal her heart away.....you are sure to get her back....
time will tell....
best wishes! ;)
- Re: I'm stuck #163785
21 y
1,262
- Re: I'm stuck lost
21 y
1,239
- Re: I'm stuck Cr-zE
21 y
1,220
This is a reply to # 61,595You seem to have enjoyed this relationship very much and you seem to understand yourself and have thought through this many many times, so if you believe you should try again and it's really worth it, you have my support. Valentine's day is coming up, you might want to take that chance to get her attention, but try not to go overboard...=) Best of luck to you~*
- Re: I'm stuck lost
21 y
1,215
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I love her. I want her back, I can't deny it. I want to try, I think I should. But...my friends tell me that she made her decision and that she's happier without me (they say this, but they don't know her as in they really don't know her) and that she's not the right person for me and they say she thinks that I'm not the right person for her. They say that for her, right now her friends and her work are more important to her than a relationship and that she's not prepared to change. you don't enter a relationship knowing that you'll take time out of friends and such. And whether or not the relationship is worth it or not doesn't rely on this either. is this true?
For me...being single and living to be happy and such is ok, but I think that life should be about love. Love can make you happier than any happiness taht can be drawn out of being single. That's what makes love so special. is this right? They tell me that she can be happy without me and that I should just give up. like I said, people can be happy being single, but there's a happiness can be provided much greater than this happiness and all I'm asking is, is she willing to try for it. we were once happy together, after all this time, it is possible for us to be that happy again, and perhaps happier. These are my thoughts and feelings.
Do I make a move and try to get her back? I think I should. but right now, my friends tell me that I shouldn't trust myself because they say my logic works only to make me happy. And instead of supporting me, they've left me alone, questioning myself. What would you do?Advertisement
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- Re: I'm stuck #86212
21 y
1,250
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