Well it happened twice. I must first say that I used to live a life of drugs and violence. I had been cut up very badly in a hotel by people. I was left in a room and was bleeding a lot. I was very conscious but could physically not stand up without my knees buckling. I crawled into the bathtub and actually was looking forward to dying. I just wanted to lay back and watch it pour out. But it doesn't work that way. For one it went on and on. No peaceful laying back and crossing into lala land. My head began pounding, I could not put a thought together but the worst thing was the nausea. I was so weak and couldn't do anything about it but I was SO DAMN NAUSEOUS. Then soemhow the police came and I passed out and woke up in a hospital. So all that wasn't a big deal. At that point I only knew that one gets really nauseous when bleeding to death. But the real real haunting experience, the one I will never ever forget came a couple of years later. It's very difficult to explain properly. I can feel everything still but it's hard to put into words. There is NOTHING like it in the living world, precisely becaus it's everything that is not. I was driving and crashed my car. I was pulled out my the medics and was barely conscious. I was dying from something. We were in the ambulance and the medic woman was screaming at me "Have you done drugs? have you been drinking? Etc" I started to convulse and shake uncontrollably. At that point I was already leaving my body. I had absolutely no control anymore. I became exteremly paranoid and claustrophobic. Everything was crowding in on me. The medic screamed "He's going into shock! Clear!" and they pulled out those paddles that they zap you with. At that point it all came. I was pulled into this vortex. It has a very distinct taste and feel. Nothing like it in this world. It's sort of green, very bitter and feels INCREDIBLY strong. This vortex is so powerful. It feels like these handcushions that you use to work out your handmuscles with. You know, the ones with black rubber on the outside and some heavy kind of granulated, barely mallable grit inside. It pulls and whooshes. It pulled me out of my body onto the ceiling of the ambulance. It was total chaos. I heard, but did not hear all the commotion. I was watching my body jerk around from the electro shocks. There was NO LIGHT, no friendly voice that asked me to cross over, no angels, no peace. It was all fear, chaos. The main thing I remember was that there were still things of this world pervading. I recall that that awful taste was very prominent. Now I lost my sense of smell in the first encounter so I don't have much of a sense of taste anyway. But that taste was so strong. On the other hand it was all so foreign and alien. The one thing I recall is that I had absolutely NO CONTROL anymore. It was utterly out of my hands. In this world one never feels that cause no matter how bad something is at the very least you still retain the notion of yourself. I have never felt this total loss of any.,..power is not the right word. Control isn't either. I lost everything. My identity. I wasn't a human being anymore. But there was a part of me still (or newly) conscious and aware that I was not a human anymore. It's very scary. Very confusing. I don't know what the next step would be. Maybe things would begin to make more sense as you go on. Maybe sense as we understand it doesn't count anymore. Or just is of no importance. But I was just in limbo there. It was real painful in some way. Since I didn;'t really feel my body anymore I'm not sure what was hurting. Then I got sucked back into my body and arrived to a body that couldn't breathe. I was freaking out bad. Cause I didn't know where to go. You understand? I didn't really know if was given an option. I don't think the choice was mine to make. I was disoriented. There was a body that was hopping around on electricity, couldn't breathe, was redhot and in physical pain, incredibly claustrophobic. My physical brain would kick in and get frantic and scream "Where to? Where to?" That damn taste was driving me crazy! And then on the other side, was...well the other side. As alien as anything could be. I just can't find words to describe it. It's everything that is not here. Or nothing that is here can compare with it. But I do remember that the part of me which was still aware was scared. It was most definetly not a comfortable peaceful experience. But it was very enlightening. It has totally changed my outlook on life. This easy way out that I had always had in the back of my mind is no more. I do beleive now that death can be a final haven but that it will not come on my terms. There's a price for death. Death has to be earned. Otherwise it won't come.