Hey Amber

Dont blame yourself, I spent over a year bouncing around with megadosing and adaptagens thinking that each day my energy would just miraculously return. When something worked, I think I was fixed and go back to training way to much...same with on the rare times I slept (this is what started it all for me, chronic insomnia, ive slept 1-3 hours a night now for three years) then I would do exactly the same. If i needed to stay out late or function at work, I would ingest Sugar like no tomorrow to keep going...Dr LAms programmed, 'geee'd' me up so much I was continually bouncing off walls, having to excercise like mad to work off the adrenaline, I wouldnt sleep, then I would crash...and still not sleep. It was insane.

When we come to the idea that it is AF, we are still partly in denial and also quite pyschologically traumatised because we dont know what has happened or what is still happening to us. Its such a fear, and we want to be ourselves again, and the prospect of understanding its going to take a long time, and dedication to come back to life, well we just dont want to know. We think the solution is in a pill, a supplement, and the truth of the matter is, its not. There is much written about 'changing ones life' etc, but its near impossible to do until we get a wake up call, because we are afraid of losing our lives. But unfortunately, AF will make you lose the life you once had, its the bitter truth. Whether you liked partying, or training, adrenaline sports, travelling...its something that we can not do for a long time. Our lives have to change, and its painful, and we live in denial for many years. In some ways this benzo withdrawal has actually been good for me, because its made me realise I was living on a prayer, I was never going to get better chasing supplement programmes. Now I found so much positivity in the world, in meditation, yoga..that once the benzos are clear, I know I can heal. Yes, im going to have to move away from the city, and lose whats left of my friends, but im prepared to do that, because one day I want to go on that deep south road trip and camp in Yosemiti again!

I was using SSRI's when I began with Lam, he knew this. Well SNRI's - Remeron. Eventually the lack of sleep just sent me insane, and I ended up on Valium after Lam. The stress of what his programme did to me - well it put me on a benzo. Everytime I said I couldnt sleep, or the vit C is making me sick they just told me to take more, and more melatonin...I told them the melatonin was hurting my tummy and making me depressed but they said take more. Once I humoured Dorine and took 100mg of Melatonin, I still didnt sleep. She said 'oh',have some peanut butter and apple before bed! Literally insane. Once Lam phoned me and shouted at me down the phone because I tried a product called Relax All (which did make me sleep, it was amazing), this was after they gave me DHEA and sent me into a spiral on numerous occasions. I knew I couldnt continue. At that point, Id spent thousands, and now was left, alone, not knowing what to do, shaking, unable to sleep...they literally made me so much worse and fragile. I hate them so much for what they did, with absolutely no responsibility.

I would definitely face coming off all pharma drugs before trying to get better, ive learnt that the hard way. Yes its going to be hell, but it is the only way. There are two choices, stay on the drugs and keep upping the dose..then eventually they will stop working, or come off, add the right nutrition, let your brain and body reset itself..only then can the human body heal. Its why I dont like supplements much anymore...anything you put in in large quantity is a poison, even food is a poison if you eat to much. The people on the NB programme are poisoning themselves but they class it as detox and healing reactions when the crap hits the fan! I hate the fact these so called 'practitioners' are abusing sick people with their chemical, synthetic potions. Supplements do have a place...but for example I was told to take 3 x 3 daily of an endomet product called Megapan. Google whats in it...absolutely stupid!

Time, food, no pollutants, rest and positive energy and thinking are the true healers, but it did take me two years to come to that conclusion, but im glad I have, im tired, mentally and financially exhausted of chasing cures in bottles. Despite still being in a brutual WD, I feel better now than I ever did on Lams programme, go figure :) The blood Sugar is getting better, slowly but surely. I never sufferd blood Sugar problems till benzos believe it or not! I have been eating a high vegetable and protein/fat and low carb diet for three months, now I have started introducing 20g of carbs per meal which I will increase over time. Once stable I will introduce fruits and start to lessen the protein and fat, this i hope to do in the next two months.

You mention you take multivitamins? That is one of the worst things you can do! a multi has no regard for what you need or what you dont need its packed full ogf crap that will poison your systm, my advice would be stop it all, get a hair test, and study nutrition...build yourself up gently.

I cant believe you where on uppers and downers at the same time! You system must be so in such a muddle, no wonder Dr LAms protocol was making things worse. Have you made a decision on how to come off them?

The trauma however, will always be there, and its terrible. Years and years of not knowing, fear, insomnia, crashes...its a lot to manage. But people get through worse, so we can overcome it...but I learnt, it will never happen when medicated because the pills will never let you brain just be your brain again. The racing thoughts about random subjects? Yup, pysch meds did that to me as well. Before them my racing thoughts would be able actual things I was worried about...now I can handle the real world worries but have insane racing thoughts, sometimes about hypothetical situations that dont even exist. Its especially worse at night, I dream awake for many hours with these 'montage' of thoughts, sometimes its annoying, but I try to treat it as comical as much as I can. When i first came off benzos...shutting my eyes was trauma because everything would flash in front of them at a milllion miles an hour!

Do you mind me asking how old you are Amber?