Review of EAting after 54 1/2 hour fast by lauray Blog entry

Blog: Lauray's 10-Day Fast
by lauray

Review of EAting after 54 1/2 hour fast

review of eating after 54 hour fast

Date: 9/12/2007 9:39:09 PM ( 17 y ) ... viewed 2094 times

hi,
so, I fasted 54 1/2 hours and this brought me into a state in which I was actually (grudgingly, painfully) willing to refrain from getting high on food.

then I wrote about this and the post was for reasons I sincerely disagree with taken off the water fast support forum and put on fasting debate forum but I think I am going to take it off that forum

I need to write a response to the monitor of the water fast forum validating my position because I sincerely believe i am being honest and constructive and helpful and I really fel what is beign done with my posts (erased/moved) is wrong. I ma beign censored when I believe i have something really important to say

that is not the point, the point is, where am i right now?

i am in a good place. relatively speaking. this morning I was able to sleep instead of race out of bed, drivin and pushing myself and nto letting myself rest enough. out of the fear of missing an oipportunity to get high on food.

i slept and then i started to prepare for a meal but then i felt sick. I am all vegan and raw and now as of 2 days ago all 100% organic. but I had 2 big meals yesterday and you know what i am sick from them

I felt the usual strained sense of "but when am i going to eat?" actually i feel that now. ... i guess i want to say that earlier i was not so alarmed about missing a high that i wold force myself to eat. and that was good. i have refrained from eating. this a.m. i have some feeling of shakiness but it feels like a strong healthy reaction and one which just wants to lead me to rest some more and not eat for a while
i do feel craving for a fix right now but earlier i was really relaxed about it -- i was able to think that it really was ok and i really would be ok if i had to wait for a aperiod of time during the day before i ate..... even several hours.... this is a major breakthrough since this is a sort of primary anxiety.

i have the feeling of the fasting healing process continuing after the fast. that the body reacts more strongly to overeating after a fast. i am having symptoms from this strong reaction

maybe the stress of being cast out and censored was what is triggering me now. i have to get out of this drama somehow I have to make myself accepted inth water fast forum and i have to do this right away. i need to be diplomatic and polite. so far i have not been rude though i have not been responsive always. but it was so humiliating to respond. so i think i chose somewhat wisely. also i stayed out of arguments that way. i have been so abused. i really have to say what i believe. i so need to be posting to a community and be witnessed.

so, the blow-by-blow of what happened. saturday night i broke the fast. i had a very smal amount. an apple and a halfpint container of mixed bean sprouts. all organic. i decided to go all organic. this was another healing effect of this fast. i had a lot of greens withit. ... THEN i actually waited 2 h per 100 cal. adn had at the appropriate time like 600 cals. some fruit and some raw organic olive oil again everything organic. Then i woke up the next day not able to handle food and actually rspected myself all day and didnt eat all day but inthe evening the anxiety took over. i think i have habitually these thoughts of oh, it will jsut be unbearable if i obey my body and refrain from eating. ... and oh, how long wil it TAKE before i can handle food again? ... so i am able to refrain for a time but it's like I get it set up in my head that at a certain point i am going to eat... in this case, by nightfall, or before bed... as a sort of attempt at putting closure to the day or self-soothing. and i get fixated on that and so dependent on the prospect of eating that i totally hurt my body in order to carry out the eating plan... i do it over my body's objections... out of this huge unmanageable anxiety.
so that night, sunday night, i ate this huge meal intending if possible it be the only meal of the day (another destructive thinking pattern of mine is: i am somehow "entitled" to eat a certain amount per day, regardless of the feeligns of my body... so even if my body cannot handle the food I stuff it down anyway... this hurts so much and has warped my life so severely and i really want out of this anxiety and so i am writing about it.
... and i knew however in the back of my mind that i would after the big meal 800 cals eat the rest of the food to which i was "entitled" that day.. and i did.... the thing is i do not have a rule -- a real solid rule that i believe in and feel safe and ok in following -- that would prohibit this kind of behavior. some rules i have and i follow. i need to figure our somemnew rules to add to make
my behavior less hurtful. what could be the rule to prevent this overeating???
then what happened: i got up the next day monday and planned 2 big meals which partook of calories "missed" during the fasting period... so my intake for th day was about 1 1/2 times the usual... about 1700+ as opposed to 1200 cals. this was too heavy all the way. all vegan raw and organic but too much.
and it was too fatty which gave me a familiar reaction of bein so anxious and hyperventilating towarf the end of the day though i did fight through cravings to eat again another big meal right in the middle of the day

this summer when i was posting to the water fast forum or maybe when i was off line and in isolation i remember that i got into the habit of actually indulging these compulsions to eat big meals right in succession and i would justify this by starting a fast right after the final big meal... i don't think this was all that bad but i do nto want to do it cause it really isout of control and for that reason scary. i could suddenly be compulsed to violate my calorie limit for the day and that would be the end of my maintenance of my weight loss which has been long term,

so i did wait until 10 pm or so last night to eat again but it ws another big meal... i was feeling entitled and compulsed.

today it is back to 1200 cals per day.... through all this i have gone by accurate cal. measurements and recounted what i dishonestly counted in figuring out plans of eating. so... i have gone relatively lightly on myself

today i have to go to therapy now and i just want to sit down and food-fix and it is really bleak and lonely and i cannot stand it and i am so deprived and i hate waiting to eat out of being distracted by appointments.. i want to wait to eat CONSCIOUSLY and as a matter of CHOICE and not because i physically can't or am grudgingly willing not to. ... i will have to wait till later to et. i need to sleep... i feeel actually really healthy and tired...

last note is i need to really get so that i am not afraid to eat lightly for as long as it takes after a fast for my body to be able to handle normal amounts of food. i have undergone criticism for fasting frequently but this is pure neurotic fear on the part of the criticizing persons. moser and shelton healed jsut my sort of digestive disorder by very sparing eating and intermittent fasting and it involved the patient getting very thin which is not pleasant but IS safe and is the road to health. i really need to give UP the high of larg meals and the habit of food fixes and the habit of getting high on food and resign myslf to really eating sparignly and fasting ... i develop my fasting into longer fasts gradually. i am going to have to take a 60 hour fast next. i feel fear about it. i have resistance. i am triggered into thoughts of heavy eating beforehand. i don't want tthis and will have to work through it.

take care and thanks for reading. i'm committed to honesty and openness.