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2 Hours into Day 2
made it into day 2
Date: 7/28/2007 4:30:21 PM ( 17 y ) ... viewed 2274 times I was feeling terrible as I was reading in the bookstore when a book I was reading made mention of sparkling water and this was actually appealing... I just wanted to break the fast and heavy-eat. I went and got some sparkling water and it was neither that thrilling nor something that made me particularly ill. I had my first episode of illness in another bookstore some time after the sparkling water. While drinking the sparkling water I fantasized intently about bingeing on various binge foods.
I am having a transformation of my understanding of food as a real addiction and any triggering food as unequivocally harmful. THis is nice and feels like a grown-up realization. I am very ashamed of my addict personality -- infantile, selfish, dull, and always importuning others.
I read a book on fasting in the second bookstore and though it was full of the usual fear I had a quiet and empowering -- very empowering but very gently and subtly so -- so scary -- that the empowerment was so faint -- I want to strengthen it -- I fear -- I do not know how... the empowering mental transformation came with the thought: You have had ambition. And you can achieve it. You have had an ambition. And you can achieve it. The thought was calm and supportive -- calmly so and strong. But sort of faintly strong, as though it would go away if I so much as moved... I so wish I were more secure in this support.... As I had the thought I had been thinking of my articulated post-fast plan of 200 cals per day, working up to 700 only after 1 week. The seven-day fast will really be like a 2-week fast, with the ultra-gentle eating continuing for 1 week after the end of the fast itself. .... ok I need to express myself now and not jsut sit here writing things I do not really believe or mostly wish and do not have a real sense of.
I fear tomorrow. i do not want to quit after 2 days again. My rule of post-fast light, non-reintoxicating eating provides some incentive to continue the fast, or, I mean, disincentive to break the fast... since breaking the fast will now be no fun.... I am very very frightened, to tell the truth , about the degree to which my eating recently has been out of control. Although it has been all raw food and my calories average per day has been no more than 1200, my normal amount, I passed a night, the night before last (perhaps a bit triggered by my intention to begin the fast... no... fasting is not triggering..I do not want to denigrate fasting or caution myself against it in any way... let us say that I justified the compulsive overeating with the idea that after all I was beginning a seven-day fast. ... And that this does not mean that I should stop trying to fast! It means that I should find a way not to use the fast as overeating-justification. And simply not to overeat before fasting) .. what happened was the night before last I did a wonderful thing to start out with... because my body was not able to tolerate food at the evening meal time I took an action that I had worked out for myself... I actually waited until 2 am to eat the evening meal. This is really an amazing victory over compulsive overeating and is not ideal... I should have waited all the way until morning, and I should not have compromised my sleep... but still, thís harm-reduction action saved me a lot of pain. ... the trouble was that at 6 am I awoke and was totally compulsed to slam food. 600 calories. Hurt. And then because the original food plan I had made for that day called for me to eat at 8 30 am I slammed AGAIN at that hour. 600 calories. This was NOT OK. The additional meal taken at 6 am should have replaced and not been taken in addition to the 8 30 am meal and according to my wait 2 hours per 100 cals. rule no meal in that day should have taken place before 3 pm (I had finished my previous day's last meal, of 600 calories, at 3 am).... my mind is justifying all this saying, oh, it is not so bad and it was al raw food, BUT THE TRUTH IS THAT IF I WANT TO BE FUNCTIONAL I HAVE GOT TO LIVE BY THESE RULES.... BY THE RULE OF WAITING 2 HOURS PER 100 CALORIES ... ETC. I am sitting here saying to myself, quietly, that such a rule is "too harsh" and will make me "too thin" but the truth is that as I have recently discovered in my reading, the thinness is NOT dangerous, and to eat more than the body can handle, no matter how little that is and no matter how thin RESPECTING the body's (i.e., the compromised colon's) capacity to handle food makes you, is to OVEREAT! I have read stories recently of people who have recovered their functionality through fasting and then through extremely sparing eating... though they were thin, they were WELL! And with the fasting and with being VERY gentle their bodies slowly also recovered the ability to handle "normal" amounts of food... maybe they would always be thin, and never quite able to handle a fully normal amount to ffood... but with the lifesaving practice of respecting their bodies' limited capacities, they became functional again ... I have got to find some way to determine to RESPECT my limited ability in my colon... .. I think maybe I should consider the REWARDS of respecting my body'S limited capacity to handle food... when I eat lightly and respectfully -- when I observe the 2-hour rule and even make it more than 2 hours per 100 calories if necessary -- I amd FUNCTIONAL; ALIVE; AND WELL, and NOT DEPRESSED and NOT ANXIUOS and PURPOSEFUL AND RELIABLE AND RESPONSIBLE AND ENGAGED IN MY LIFE............... ............. IF ONLY I COULD FIND THE DESIRE TO BE ALL THESE THINGS AND NOT BE A HORRIBLE IRRESPONSIBLE DRUNKEN JERK LIKE I AM. If only. God, please help me.
.. so my additional meal at 6 am or 8 30 a m was violative. It was a violation. It really was NOT in the spirit of my food plan although based on a "calorie defecit" (I curse that notion) I had been running
... My body reacted healthily to this outbreak of eating, with a 13-hour sleep following my fast-beginning day... and a total willingness to fast... I am encouraged and reassured by this... it seems the 2-day fast strengthened my body so that when I overate myself the body was actually able to STOP ME! instead of being too weak to protest... beaten and overwhelmed... relying on my fragile will to stop eating, to save it eventually from the onslaught of food. My body was able to resist the overeating. So, good...
... I am ashamed to have incapacitated myself with food this way, and wasted yet another day of my life. Just like an alcoholic with alcohol. i am frightened to face the reality and truth of this statement.
Soon my dad will be asking me how my stay in Europe has been and I will desire to tell all about my fasting and my struggle for sobriety and if I tell him these things he will be abusive with me and so I am silenced. I mean that he will sit there with his prune face on and refuse to communicate in a way that is jsut so abusive... treat me like I am not even a human being who deserves to be talked to and asked about herself and who she is and asked about things he does not understand. Despite I have been talking about fasting for decades -- as much as I have dared -- he refuses to respect this and I live silenced. His ultimate punishment will be to refuse to let me stay with him for the few days that I would like to , to make a transition to my u.s. life -- instead of forcing myself immediately into my new living situation in the neighboring city, where I go to school. He sees that I am a rational and relatively functional adult and still refuses to enter into the shallowest conversation with me about myself and my thoughts and my goals and insists on radically disrespecting me and my beliefs (fasting, seeing myself as a food addict... seeing myself this way it THE KEY to my getting my health and functionality back... I am always trying to coax myself to see and admit the horror and gravity of my food addiction and really take the needed drastic action -- fasting, and eating only totally nontriggering things, in the nature of the most unappetizing, living, green sprouts... I am in need of some way to force myself to see the gravity of the situation and the urgency of my getting sober... of connecting DIRECTLY my dysfunctionality (depression, anxiety, purposelessness in life) with my (1) failing to fast and detox and (2) refusing to confine my diet to these totally nontriggering foods.... my father refuses to validate that I am a food addict and must fast... fastidiously and infantilizingly considering me "ill" or "anorexic" for having the desire to refrain from eating -- when eating is poisoning me... refusing utterly self-centeredly to even speak to me... refusing to see the plain facts that eating is poisoning me and my system... rigidly and in the most blinder-wearing fashion-- comically, really, if it were not tragic, committing the most profound violation of me, body and soul, by sitting there just REFUSING to validate my impulse to refrain from eating... this is the most horrific disrespect I think one person could ever display toward another person -- the refusal to respect that person's express wish to refrain from eating. To display this desrespect is tantamount to force-feeding that person, really -- to violating that person with food... this dismissal of another person's desire to refrain from eating really is a form of rape. THis is what it is. rape. I am caused to remember a scene from secondary school when a boy I knew was loudly mockingly reading aloud from a magazine an article on parent-child sexual abuse. I remember this very distinctly, which means it is significant. I remember that this boy in his reading aloud started to address his reading to me. I remember him reading the opening to one of the paragraphs in the article. "NOW we come to the gray area of sexual abuse," he read, and pointedly added, "Laura." He read on, addressing the paragraph to me. I was furious and was not even able to conceal this. I said loudly, hotly, out of control, "Shut up, Steve!" and raced away from where we were all sitting. I was so upset and it was so shameful to be addressed this way - -to be teased about this subject. I lacked the understanding as to exactly why I could nto take this kind of teasing. I do not think now that it was SO much that I was being actually sexually abused, by forced feeding, although this was certainly happening! -- it was more that in my father's (Irish) heritage such subjects were taboo -- more than taboo -- utterly unmentionable -- that this kind of abuse though it went on COULD NOT BE SPOKEN OF... that perhaps it was simply to be left alone? THat it was the privilege of the abusers, and not to be questioned? Somehow sex or anything that intimate was jsut NOT OK and I had no tools to deal with this... I will have to think more about this...
I guess I have to go. Internet palce is closing. I wanst to affirm my fast.
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