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Day 12, post-failure insights
Total dead end, no motivation, don't care that I don't care. Realisation that how I FEEL motivates me, discovering and learning a process of building up good feeling and appreciation starting from my negative place, and finding that with good feeling, I find my motivation again. Feelings are important.
Date: 1/19/2014 5:04:55 PM ( 10 y ) ... viewed 19859 times i was not happy with myself today. I haven't been happy with myself for days.
I am not getting enough done, not caring about getting enough done, not feeling interested in or motivated by progress which I know objectively is important to me being able to drive my own life.
I wrote in my first post - I need to feel able to drive my own life.
So, if I do get enough done, see progress, will I then feel happy with myself?
No. on average, I don't FEEL satisfaction achieving things. I feel like its one more thing crossed off a giant to-do list of things I should have done years ago.
So accomplishing things makes me feel regret. And so does not accomplishing them.
But I started this cleanse because I of a profound FEELING and there was profound wisdom and insight that came as part of it. I had an emotional experience that motivated me to start this process.
The only reason for doing the cleanse was to be able to hear the source of the wisdom more clearly, and experience the profound feeling more regularly.
I am motivated by how I FEEL.
And if how I feel is regret, that feeling doesn't motivate me to any kind of positive action.
So, however illogical it is to my protestant guilt-and-shame programming, what I need to do to get motivated to continue this process is to change how I feel now.
It doesn't matter that today is the day after I broke a fast, failed to show my willpower is adequate to any task, am aware of how I have let others down, and how I have consistently let myself down.
I still have to feel good about myself. If I can change my feelings, my actions will follow. If I don't change my feelings, probably I won't take the actions I need at all. But even if I do, my experience of my life will be the same as if I didn't. Feeling is how I register my experience of the world. My actions and consequences of my actions just don't make any impression on me (at least not if they aren't impacting someone else.
Basically I don't care about me. And I need to care enough to be happier with myself before anything will change.
By co-incidence, I listened to a random recording on youtube that described a process for this. Taught by someone called Abraham. Who is, apparently, a wise and friendly non-physical being whose information is voiced by a lady. Anyway, I found the wisdom useful and relevant, and I tried the process, which was simple:
Start seeing my life as I see it now (ie negatively, for me, if I am honest.
Then start focusing on things I can see to appreciate - even if I don't feel them. (Eg, glad I had these experience of failure because it enables me to experiment with persisting in the face of failure)
And start identifying previous experiences of the emotion I am trying to summon (eg gratitude, hope, optimism) and without focusing too much on the context of the memory (its a bad plan to wish self back into the past by accident) use the memory to evoke the feeling.
Hold the focus on the both the feeling being evoked, and the sense of the words I am trying to fill with feeling.
Ask for help from a higher power (God, Source, the Divine - call it what you like)
Anyway, I did this, and suddenly the energy of the feeling shot through me, and it was immediately easy and natural to start to appreciate where I am at right now and all the opportunities of this and future moments.
And within a few minutes, I was genuinely feeling encouraged by the progress I have made so far - that I objectively listed with no sense of achievement in my last blog.
And now I have this sense of achievement and encouragement as a feeling, I find that my motivation to continue this clearance process has returned. As a feeling. And I am looking forward to continuing with my holistic clearance process now. And it feels possible to keep going with it, and like it is not too big for me.
So, all in all, I am grateful for the serendipity of hearing this Abraham recording on youtube, and glad of the wisdom of the Abraham entity, whatever it may be, it helped me today.
Here's the link if anyone is interested
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zaFTHmLPpW4&list=UUk3TgDHxRtIPMfWnZGcM67g&feature=c4-overview
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