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Day 5, physical weakness, spiritual breakthrough, review
Physical weakness, tension resolved in prayer/meditation, insights from reflecting on cause of relationship tensions, insight on how to remove blocks that prevent physical healing by deaing with that backlog. Energy draining side effect and dealing with them
Date: 1/13/2014 5:02:58 AM ( 10 y ) ... viewed 10347 times Day 5, following my last post about a shitty day, I finally made some progress. Sitting meditating, holding before me the image of my old lover in a scene where this fault in him caused me pain, and at the same time bringing to mind other times, where the joy he inspired in me are the reason I opened the depths of myself and committed to being with him - the very reason he is able to cause me such pain in the first place.
I held these two things in my awareness. And then I held them up to God (call God what you like) and said 'I don't know what to do next. Can you help me?' And then I waited
And doing this, I remember the greatest benefit of this cleanse, the one I forget until I am doing it.
For whatever reason, this kind of fasting increases my sensitivity to God - to guidance I receive, to grace as it moves through me physically, to the voice of my own conscience and instruction from beyond it. Fasting makes discernment easier. And every spiritual tradition incorporates fasting, and the mystics of all traditions have always fasted. And I wonder if this is why.
So I sat, holding my awareness, and waiting, and very soon insight began to come, showing me a bigger pattern in which my pain and my lovers fault sit. Showing me other connections of mine in similar pain due my faults, showing me my lover as a young man under terrible parental pressure, developing this fault as a protective device, showing me what I look like through his eyes - not as I see myself (a wronged person, humiliated and shamed by my weakness because I am unable to inspire redress in him) but showing me myself as a whole, proud, strong person, threatening in comparison the fragility he feels in himself, able to hurt him if he lets me past this old boundary of his - able to hurt him in the very real and damaging ways that women always have, including his own mother.
And a word came to me to describe this reaction he has to me, the threat he fears - and it was "subjugation".
And I looked for that quality inside me, and I can find that kind of desire in me. Held in check by my own experience of being dominated by a parent, but a live current in me, and times when I have used my will to force a result I wanted on those weaker than me (ironically not him, as I never perceived him that way) and usually for someone's 'good' and then I track this up the generations of my own family, my father and his father, and find that fierce unstoppable strength of will present and in use within and without family up the generations.
So in his family, a pattern of subjugation, and in mine a pattern of domination, expanding this logically (this was not grace but my own extrapolation) there was even a tribal level to this interplay - my old lover and I are different races. His family are black American with the terrible heritage of slavery and limited choices are a norm, and mine are white Scots - historically hardbitten working class people, also with a culture of limited choice through poverty and work limits, but my people historically found escape through other work opportunities - on ships, employed to run the trade of the British empire. Including the slave trade.
Back to my lover, whose experience of subjugation I now see is comprehensive - personal, familial, cultural, environmental, tribal, racial, economic, sexual...... With grace communicating the experience to me I understood, empathised.... and then an amazing thing happened, it was like I travelled with him back through a fast series of photographs, each one a moment where this subjugation experience was reinforced, just being with him and caring for him, until we reached the beginning - the first experience, at the age of 7. And as the wound went into him (awful circumstances!) and the pattern was laid down, I said to him "you will be stronger than this. You will get out of this. You will have a future different to this, and in your future you will be loved."
It was me and not-me. It was an equalising force with my energy in it. And it was an experience with physical markers which made it more than an imaginative flight of fancy. 0n some level, this was real.
I sat in prayers of thanksgiving for some time after.
And with the insight of my study and spiritual direction, realised that this is the work on myself I have to do - I have to go back through my life, making a list of encounters with people that produced such emotional tension as i had with my old lover, and in this way, I have to resolve them - by holding them up to God.
This is long, deep work, but now I can see the direction, I can see it can be done and I am eager to begin.
And I KNOW, with the insight of grace, by the exemplary work of Carolyne Myss, and by the dozen or more I have met who are physically healed of significant illness, that tackling that backlog is essential. In that backlog are the blocks to physical healing sought by the very sick. Clearing those blocks opens the way for full healing. Such as the heaiing of advanced cancer, MS, rheumatoid arthritis and paralysis - all of which I have witnessed through meeting the fully recovered ex-sufferers (many with medical records to document)
It seems that it takes a physical toll though, following that experience, I lay allnight in an enervated state of sleep-wakefulness, only managing a few hours, and had a weary Sunday characterised by more failed tasks and bone deep weariness. I slightly broke fast, to do what I have read in other blogs and take a small bit of nutrition other than the lemonade. And I gave in and bought a bottle of expensive maple syrup, and had a full litre of lemonade of a flavour I can easily stomach.
0n a physical note, I walked about 45 minutes fast yesterday, but nothing more for exercise which I need to address today, and no great progress on physical tasks - also something I hope to address.
And nothing on formally offering the healing I know can move through me, but I have the sense that my old lover benefitted as much as I did by this intervention of grace, so perhaps I can do more of such work not just on myself, but on others in this way.
Perhaps
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