Day 12, post-failure insights 9 y
Total dead end, no motivation, don't care that I don't care. Realisation that how I FEEL motivates me, discovering and learning a process of building up good feeling and appreciation starting from my negative place, and finding that with good feeling, I find my motivation again. Feelings are important.
i was not happy with myself today. I haven’t been happy with myself for days.
I am not getting enough done, not caring about getting enough done, not feeling interested in or motivated by progress which I know objectively is important to me being able to drive my own life.
I wrote in my first post - I need to feel able to drive my own life.
So, if I do get enough done, see progress, will I then feel happy with myself?
No. on average, I don’t FEEL satisfaction achieving things. I feel like its one more thing crossed off a giant to-do list of things I should have done years ago.
... read more
Day 11 and 12, failure and reboot 9 y
failure, breaking fast, bulemia, broth, sugar addiction, breaking procedure
I failed. No other way to start this really. Except, I failed.
If my old flatmates hadn’t been coming back to stay and arranged to cook house dinner.... If they weren’t really good cooks.....
well, I could go on and on about this, but flat out..... I failed.
They cooked beef stew, mash potato and veggies, and sticky toffee pudding with ice cream and custard and caramel source.
And I ate all of it.
And washed it down with wine.
And I had a great great time. And I was more alert and happy than I have been for a week.
And the consequences?
Wel ... read more
Day 9 and 10. Review 9 y
progress review at 10 days
From today, I have decided to vary this cleanse. I have never experienced the levels of consistent tiredness I have felt in the last 5-6 days. This lifts when I take a small amount of broth in the evenings, so I am going to incorporate that from now on.
I am also reducing the SWF from daily to every other day - at least for a few days. I will monitor this and see how it goes.
This decision is based on the constant fatigue, the increasingly constant upset stomach feeling which seems to go with the lemon juice, and the reflux-taste which seems induced by the cayenne.
I have never had any ... read more
Day 7-8, Tiredness and resolve 9 y
tiredness and causes of tiredness, more emotional and physical clearance
0ne day off from tiredness, and the day after a counselling session, the bone-deep fatigue is as bad as ever in the morning. Today I took a break from the SWF to give my system a rest from it.
I would really like a rest from this cleanse now. Never really felt this previous times. Boredom and frustration, yes, but not this physical difficulty. The cayenne (I take it in small amount of water separate from lemonade, gives me permanent hot discomfort in my chest, and now the lemon juice is giving me a constant after taste in my mouth. Seems like the only things I taste now are mouthwash a ... read more
Clearance, and the Multiple Sclerosis Archetype 9 y
Coming out of tiredness, progressing home clearance, explanation of the "Castle List' of unresolved tensions in my past, first deep reflective work to clear an old block and surprising insights and encounters fromMultiple Sclerosis sufferers, and perhaps the archetype itself
How lovely to wake up to sunshine on my face and blue sky.
About half way through today I realized I’m not tired. And at the same time I realize how tired I have been. So tired I can describe a range of tiredness – from the general fatigue which is behind my reluctance to move and resentment of physical tasks, to the exhaustion where it feels like cement has been poured into my bonemarrow and my wrists feel too weak to push against gravity as it pins my limbs to the bed. My attention span for al matters outside myself ranges from 10 minute tolerance to negligible and mostly I ma desper ... read more
Day 5, physical weakness, spiritual breakthrough, review 9 y
Physical weakness, tension resolved in prayer/meditation, insights from reflecting on cause of relationship tensions, insight on how to remove blocks that prevent physical healing by deaing with that backlog. Energy draining side effect and dealing with them
Day 5, following my last post about a shitty day, I finally made some progress. Sitting meditating, holding before me the image of my old lover in a scene where this fault in him caused me pain, and at the same time bringing to mind other times, where the joy he inspired in me are the reason I opened the depths of myself and committed to being with him - the very reason he is able to cause me such pain in the first place.
I held these two things in my awareness. And then I held them up to God (call God what you like) and said ’I don’t know what to do next. Can you help me?’ And then I w ... read more
0ne step forward, two steps back 9 y
Demoralising day, importance of daily nutritional needs, exercise and metabolism maintenance, a problem I can't yet solve, new insight on how I give people shit when I feel shit, and some thoughts on what love is and isn't, and new practices in loving someone well.
So I finally worked out I like doing things slowly a few days ago.
Today showed me again why that causes me problems.
I just can’t keep up. Can’t keep up with the cleaning, can’t keep up with work, I just don’t move at the speed neccessary to get through what needs to be done, and as a result, life is e (usually) a constant experience of running to keep up with no pleasure in my industry, i nterspersed with periods of doing what I like with ”f*** the consequences” defiance and either awareness that this will have a cost later, or occasionally a few blissful days of non-awareness th ... read more
Why I am putting UP a Christmas tree in January 9 y
Salt Water Flush details, learning how I like to work, Christmas tree for inspiration to sort out friend connections, goalsetting issues
End of day 3 today is my test in using this blog to make myself accountable to readers. I didn’t expect readers, but there seem to be a few. ok, so today I feel I let myself down. Trying not to judge, but its also neccessary to have standards surely, I wonder where the line is.
A breakthrough observation from today is:
I like to do things slowly.
When I don’t allow time to do them, it becomes grudging work I avoid, and the detail goes undone.
So the kitchen and bathrooms floors took 2 hours, but it was thoroughly done, including the kitchen edges, walls and hard-to-reach areas ... read more
Day 2 Why I have envied the sick and dying 9 y
description of symptoms of metabolism adjusting, reflection on purpose of illness, relationship between stress, relaxation and being present.
End of day 2 of the Master Cleanse
Getting used to the shift in my metabolism. Time to sense and observe my body. Some things are familiar from previous times:
Like the feeling of heat in my heart and solar plexus that comes from swallowing cayenne (Cayenne acts to stimulate/regulate the heart function in metabolic rhythm- why its in the lemonade)
Like the fast shift from a low energy moment or thirsty moment to lost concentration to tiredness and sleep. I have to drink lemonade straight away when those lows hit, there’s nothing in my stomach to fall back on.
Like the drawing-out ... read more
Watershed - deciding to do this again 9 y
Reasons for starting master cleanse, description of liver cleanse
I didn’t set out to begin the master cleanse again, it came after a 2 day intensive meditation process and despair over the usual questions
Why don’t I do what I know I can do?
How do I get past this block?
Why don’t’t I even want to?
Why do I feel like a prisoner in my own life which is pretty good on paper
Why have I never felt like I can get myself out?
At some point, this has to change, it never has yet, at some point I have to drive my own life.
And at this point, I hardly feel able to get out of bed.
But there is NOTHING wrong with me.
0n the contrary, I’m afraid ... read more