Day 56 evening, by lauray Blog entry

Blog: Lauray's New 10-Day Fast
by lauray

Day 56 evening,

Trying to Decide When to Start the 66 Hour or 3 Day Fast

Date: 6/19/2008 1:11:24 AM ( 16 y ) ... viewed 2269 times

I am not as scared now. Today was ... I am in pain as i write. Because I stuffed down a dinner of 93 grapes, 1pint blueberries and 2 6 oz pkgs raspberries. t really really hurts.

Earlier I did well. It seems I felt I had done well forhe day and "deserveda break"... and so violently stuffed and really really hurt myself/ I didn't want to take an enema but now I am going to, it hurts so much. My abdomen the size of a beach ball.

Earlier: I waited until around 2 pm to really eat. I ate my first meal in pieces, first at 11 am, then at 12 or 12:30 pm - then at 2 I finished it but immediately started eating my 2nd meal since I make the excuse / justification that it is ok to eat supper early cause then I can go to bed early. I only ate 2 bananas of it, though/ ... this was too much. Justification told me it was ok to start he 2nd meal right away even though I had just finished the first meal, since I had eaten first meal so late. Bad.

The good thing was I felt the pain from the bananas and stopped. Actually stopped eating. I was incapacitate d all afternoon as i was registering for school. People asking me if I was OK. \shame, embarrassment.

But I did stop.

But I was not hungry for the dinner. I thought of waiting till 2 am to eat. as I have sometimes done. a good strategy. But it hurts my sleep. But still it is better than

I am in horrible pain and have to sign off.

But I need to write about my fast.

I am too alone in it.

I need to make this a sucess.

I am less scared of fasting now since i appear not to be so so thin any more. I am thinking of fasting at my normal time this week -- beginning tomorrow morning instead of friday morning -- and doing only 66 hours instead of 72 hours.

I am really scared about this fast.

I did think of postponig the fast by 1 day since my fasts are getting longer

But I feel secure even in fasting 3 days of every week.

BUT I have GOT to STOP stuffing myself in between fasts.

I get scared every week and try to fatten myself up.

It hurts so badly ....

SO -- I should postpone the fast so I just eat lightly gently and not hard heavily and hurtfully.

I have got to get patient and really value suceeding in being gentle and STOPPING THE STUFFING, VIOLENT SELF-FATTENING, AND BLOATING in between fasts. I have got to make this the priority just liek fasting.

sO MY CONCLUSion is to postpone the fast.....? ??????? It seems easier just to fast the 66 hours and do this on my regular thursday-to-saturday schedule.

... How am I going to make a change????? I shoudl lok at this week and compare to last week and see whether I ate less this week in between fasts. Did I????

... How am I going to do green living food only???

... give up fruit and nuts? how???

I am so tired and cannot think it out. i can't think , because of my bloating and horrible pressure, tightness, exhaustion, and pain. THIS HAS GOT TO STOP.... but I can never predict the bloating and stop in time.

God, please help me. I am going to do an enema now and think about how to make a change. I am so alone and it is hard to determine now to do three -day fast. i was going todo it but now i am so alone

I need more 12-step meetings.
My therapist was a total assho l e to me today and I hate him so much and seeing him is llike seeing no one at all he is so totally out of control and a dick. he just sits there and whines and sub-verbally threatens and bullies me for not meeting his needs -- he is a spoiled brat and sits there and when i expres a feeling he threatens to end the relationship or expresses scornful bullying despair about the relationship or about me he is totally unperceptive about me or my feelings God I despise him.

So I need togerthterness and i need suppor I guess I will go to the aa meeting tomorrow where i have been going but stopped when i was humiliated by a guy there who extracted from me the confession of my crush on him and then scornfully rejected me. He is such a creep but I cannot stop wanting him and his approval.

But I am lonely so I guess I go.

What to do about this FAST???????

I guess:

Let me say one important thing. I saw my reflection today and I have beefed up as I say. And this is so fat-looing, so unattractive. it is the look of pounds compulsively and uglily put on the body. I just want them off again; I want to gain the weight gently and elicately and attractively and pleasurably and soberly. Not this way. "too thin" looked better than this. I want the pounds off again.

\so - I guess: the comfortable routine and secure routine is to just increase the length ofhte fast by 3 hours not by 9 hours and the comfortable thing is to do it thursday to saturday.

After this fast i could commit to a change. OK. I could postpone the next fast day and start that fast friday. And I could take this extra day maybe extra2 days to eat ever so lightly gently and really realy try as much as i possibly can, to actually SKIP MEALS when eating is not OK with me. ... i could develop a meal-skipping procedure and policy. ... I have lots of policies but they are not strict/gentle enough for my body. I mean the policies I manage to adhere to allow me simply to eat too much. They hurt. I feel a meal-skipping plan to be incorporated in my general food policy would be really welcomed by my poor body. What could this policy be???

I could postpone my next fast by 2 days.... or hey I could start even now and postpone this fast by 2 days and really EAT GENTLY i.e. skip meals if necessary and never stuf in the next 2 days. So I would start the 66 hour fast on saturday. ... But I do not feel secure doing this. ...

So I start tomorrow. OK. But after this fast: first, 18 to 24 hours of superlight green living food only as outlined in my plan (basically strictly limited quantities of green leaves) ... then, gentle eating.for the week ... then, a 69 hour fast beginning friday instead of thursday...

I am trying to come up with a food policy and plan that lets me feel I am bingeing and being satisfied, without really bingeing; and that is limited enough and sparing in food enough to actually be tolerated by my body. A gentle plan, that will stop the stuffing and hurting.

... Now, I wrote out a plan that started this 66 hour fast actually 72 hour fast friday morning....

and this plan oh God I am tired and need an enema so i can'tfigure it out.

I have to decide prety soon and I am so tired and i am so scared alone and i am so insecure and in danger and unsure and I so wish I were more in control and God please help me.