Day 56 and Preparing for 3-Day Fast
Preparing for 3-Day Fast; Battling Fear-of-Thinness-Based Compulsive Eating
Date: 6/18/2008 11:57:27 AM ( 13 y ) ... viewed 2805 times
I am lonely and frustrated trying to connect on line.
No responses to my messages, , seemingly.
Going on line is so painful, almost always.
Today -- well, yesterday was not too bad. It was an improvement over the day before. The day before there was an episode of way overeating at the dinner. All within my allowed food plan and it is not going to make me fat but still it is dangerous and scary and painful and not Ok and not the point or spirit of fasting and the fasting way of life which is sobriety with food. Though I am struggling to resign myself to food sobriety. But still at least I acknowledge more thereal need for food sobriety now and can actually conceive of the idea of it.
I haven't eatn yet today. I am compulsed to go eat right about now. Yesterday I think the 2nd meal of the day went well (ate lightly/sanely) because I blogged and because I talked to an OA friend.
It hurts that I am compulsed. Also I have had some nausea this a.m. Scary. I get scared, I fel my addiction is the one that is scared, when I am at any time temporarily not in shape to eat anything. I have a fear of starvation but I would like to suspect this is really from a fear of not being ever able to get HIGH on food again.
Last night I had to take an enema. I have been doing these a lot lately. I overload and then for relief I do an enema. Sometimes these hurt and scare me. Last night I said to myself that I would NO LONGER blat myself as I did last night and thus no longer need or ake enemas.
Last night was good in that I left over part of my allowed dinner and I was going to substitute for it a banana but I got in line at the supermarket (horrible, sad;my whole evening given over to eating to get high) and started to get bloat and actually got out of line, put the banana back, and left the store. WEnt hoem to the enema but did not eat after the enema. Formerly an inconceivable idea -- not eating again after enema/relief puts me back in shape to eat.
My whole life is an obsession with keeping myself in shape to eat, i.e., to get high on food. Terrors come when I am not able to eat. When I am bloated etc. Enemas are I think onthe whole a bad habit cause they jst enable further compulsive eating. The abuse I dole out to my body daily by eating eating eating. It is brutal and it is done totally grimly and ok I just want to stop
I am living in a sober living, and my relationships suddenly got better here yesterday/last night. I would liek to think that this is becuase I am more sober now.
So I want to start the 3-day fast Friday. friday morning 4 am and fast until sunday morning 4 am. Psychologiaclly easier since I feel I nly have to get through \saturday without fude.
I am thin still but think today being wednesday that by friday I will be in shape to fast again. I know I am eating an average of 1200 cals per day at least even when you include inthe average the days fasting so I am "compenasating" and I do NOT want to think this way -- I want to relax and eat lightly and NOT try to compesate for fasting since that is SO DAMAGING but I am compulsed and don't ahve the courage (sobriety?) yet.
Right now I am tryignto calculate how not to bloat but yet how to get "full" and turn off the eat-compulsion. I am going to have 1/2 c sprouted buckwheat (slightly starchy: triggering. Also slightly fibrous: bloating. But less bloating than some food like watery veg. or bean sprouts or highly sprouted watery sunflower greens orwhatever) and one green banana (non-triggering but "filling") and 2 heaping T brazil nuts (not bloating but a bit triggering but not too bad)and then some damn other thing to be determined. The object is to "turn myself off" for the remainder of theday, until "dinner" time (a euphemism for the evening get-high session)
... I believe this will change gradally with more fasting and more rules for inter=-fast food sobriety.
I am relieved I was not compulsed to eat heavily yesterday.
I am terrified by the violence of that heavy eating.
This is emotional and vulnerable -- being swept up against my compulsion to totally binge. Exposed to the humiliation of the pattern of bingeign ad gettign fast again.
This is a horrible nightmare -- beign fat. I have not in 12 years been fat but I am still very much at risk since I cannot learn food sobriety, stop getting high on food.
\what is standing in the way of my giving up getting high on food? Fear. Of what? I cannot force myself right now to write about it.
I just want to figure out what the hell to have for my a.m. fix. The task is always: not to bloat, but to get "full." And to get intoxicated or feel some impact in soem way.
Have to go.
On track to fast Friday 4 am to Mon. 4 am. Then 18 hours superlight green living food only as detailed yesterday's post. Then as light eating as possible. Trying NOT TO BINGE. Trying to fast again as soon as possible after that. Trying to NOT GET SCARED about my thinness. Trying to be patient about putting the weight back on and not rush it. Trying to surrender to the healing of the fasts and refrain from forcing the food down. Let the fasts heal me and really slow down my eating and let my system heal so that I am lifted out of the stateof compulsion.
I am really in the typical state of compulsion now -- ravenous "hunger" for about 2 minutes this a.m., a false hunger typical of the toxic state ... nevertheless I took a sort of eager addict's pleasure in this hunger because it indicated I would have tolerance for "impact eating," for getting high.
I am slowly coming off fruit, maybe.... ? How to address this? How to clean up my diet as it needs to be cleaned up? I need to get off fruit and nts I have been trying to go green, living food only (sprouts) but this diet has been sort of too strenuously healing or something. I got scared -- scared I would never eat again or something -- and returned to more triggering (what distorted thinking call 'digestible') foods suchas fruit and nuts.
Less triggering food allows the body to resist more effectively any unnecessary or intoxicating eatig you are engaging in. When I tried green living only, the pain my body put me through in protest to my eating was scary. I so wish I had expert guidance.
I need to go into green living only gradually. I will succeed. I am scared about how little I will have to eat or how long I will have to fast, in order to heal -- in order for my body to actually accept food again, and thus be able to eat sober, green living food without pain. I am still stuck in a mode of "starching out" and sugaering out (fruit) and fatting out (nuts)... this instead of real sobriety, which for me at this point would be actually really taking a long fast, to completion, and not returning to get-high eating.... as it is I am grimly compulsed to force down 2 heavy-ish meals a day... it is so violent.
Ok I am off now and will post this on forums I guess.
My next steps are: 18 hour then 24 then 30 then 36 etc. hour post fast superlight eating; get off fruit and nuts; stop force-eating the 2 meals per day, skip a day of body or any part of self not ready to eat (how to achieve THIS [long term] goal???? How can I get into it gradually? What are the steps and phases? i will have to address this soon.) ; and of course continue to lengthen my fasts... separate my fasts by more days as they get longer; and introduce between-long-fasts short fasts of 24 hours, 30 hours up to like 36 hours, I guess.... this could function as a structured break in the grim pattern of forcing the 2 meals per day... until such time as i can manage to take such a break naturally ... what prevents me from skipping meals now is Fear... mainly fear that I will be delayed in taking my next long fast. I want to look at this and get to some satisfactory policy about it. I really really really think it is of the utmost importancve to honor always the impulse to fast -- so it is very very dangerous to ever call a fast plan into question. And so I need to honor the impulse and plan to fast. This is what I need to do. I am making myself too vulnerable writing this. I need to affirm now the utmost importance of fasting and of obeyin every impulseto fast.
Ok so now out, going to force-eat , not good but committed to fasting to lift me out of this state of compulsion.
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