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UPDATE: Recent Success (3-Day Fast); Sobriety Willingness
Need willingness to be really committed to a fasting-supporting diet and be sober in order to fast... have a long-term plan to increase lengths of fasts.
Date: 3/24/2008 1:57:31 PM ( 17 y ) ... viewed 3273 times Here is a note I wrote in response to a message. It will do for an update, for March 24th, 2008.
I have just logged in to look at responses to my blog and found your note -- thanks! I hope you get this reply and accept my apology for not writing sooner. My story is rather complicated. I know fasting is the right thing for me to do but I am horribly struggling to find the willingness to do it. I understand, and it makes me so unhappy, that I really have to do fasting "right," the right way, a sort of "sober" way. I am painfully in touch with how little fun this is. It means really not bingeing either before or after, and really being committed (for me) to a lifelong exclusive diet of totally raw, vean, "green, living" foods (basically sprouts). it is so hard to get into the mindset of being willing to do all this and thus fast successfully. I feel, "where's the reward? Where's the fun in life?" even though my life is NO fun when I am not fasting and sticking to the proper diet. ... It is a case of "getting sober," just as a drug addict gets sober. When I read the fasting forums I get happy about the idea of fasting and more comfortable with it... and feel I can withstand the misery of it somewhat... but the deep willingness to change my life and DO IT I simply do not yet have. I guess my task in life is to develop my positivity and develop this willingness. I guess to do that I have to stay on the forums daily and do whatever other stuff increases my willingness to be "sober." I guess this is the answer. The step that I have to take, toward fasting, seems horrible, and unbearable. And I most often stop fasting after just 2 days or less. And I go back to "slamming" the food. I am very slim, too, which means that I don't have the need or desire for weight loss motivating me. AND interfering people are liable to violate me with their manipulative nastiness telling me "not to fast," and scaring me/infantilizing me/disrespecting me/violating me, when fasting is JUST what I need... so infuriating. Right now, I have actually felt a positive desire to fast, for relief, and when I have thought of fasting, I have felt good, but then I have just been shoved back into the horrible routine of eating by a lack of pleasure in my life, lack of conviction, or just a need to "get what I want," an inner-child-rage-desire to get X (food) JUST BECAUSE I WANT IT and can't be comforted any other way... it often seems there is NO ALTERNATIVE to eating. Not a movie, not reading, not even sex. I just CAN'T STOP IT. I am upping my attendance in 12-step programs but just am still in the misery of unwillingness. I have this weekend "cleaned up" my food so I am close to my totally ideal diet. But I did it too quickly, and now I am resentful and am afraid I will just go back to the processed food just to prove a point, or something. I am desperate. I guess I do know that the secret is to get sufficiently positive and get sufficiently immersed in love and get relationships that can let me workthrough ALL the agonies of getting sober. That that is the way to healing. The trouble is I jsut want the thrill of being "high" on food. I have to figure out how to do without that thrill or get it another (healthy) way.
I will add to this post: one month ago I succeeded in an actual 3-day fast. OK, good. I just wish I were happier about this. It is so.. sober. I am worth it, I must tell myself. The misery I endure with slips into processed food is NOT OK.
It REALLY is Ok TO fast and be food-sober. I relapsed most recently on Sat., 2 days ago. I ate sugarfree froyo, which makes me pretty sick, though because it is relatively low cal, bottom line, it cannot hurt me that much. But stillm, the sufferign it causes is not worth it. ... So. With the new relationships in my life -- a temporary Codependents Anonymous sponsor; a couple of sort-of friends in Overeaters Anonymous (though I abuse them horribly,being so needy and demanding, so these are not secure relationships, besides, the people are not that skilled or positive or healed to begin with and so... is is just destructive for me to cling to them? Anxiety thinking -- never mind. Back to the topic.) - -I talked through the process and actually got myself into a recommitment to raw foods only and began a day count Easter day, Sunday. But this recommitment was too sudden. Sunday was the most frightening and miserable day I have had for a long time. I am in despair about my life. it is empty, bleak, and scary, hopeless. I am ashamed of my lack of achievement, achievement being impossible for me given that I am so emotionally damaged and can hardly get through a day to begin with. And there is a sort of triggering event -- my relationship with my roommate has aparently ceased to exist -- after viciously abusing me she now says she is moving out. i do not even know if she is serious. I do not know if I can even talk to her, if she is even someone it is possible to talk to; if it would not be better if she just moved out.
All this is the background to my struggle to fast. I know I need to fast. I am in touch with how miserable it is and with all my ressistance to it and this consciousness is giving me pause. Fasting means more than just having an empowerment experience -- though that is the most important part for me and for my particular soul. Fasting, though, means a total commitment to a new, sober, serious, painful way of life. No bingeing and no fun. I know in my heart of hearts I can give it up but I still need more support to do this. I am ashamed to be writing all this but this is my real fasting process.
So my immediate goals are to really decide what to do about the triggering/processed food and to just sit down with this plan I have made for myself that outlines a progression from raw only to living green only food -- and involves a series of progressively longer fasts. I have outlined exactly how to fast myself up to ten days, gradually; and I feel more or less comfortable with it (it does not seem to be too overly harsh... more or less... often I can make fasting plans that are very ambitious and then on reflection seem quite harsh... not that fasting is really harsh but I will not be serious about the plan if my fear-mind thinks the plan is harsh or is afraid of it. So -- I sort of made this plan in response to PRESSURE from my temporary CODA sponsor... this spells trouble... i did not make the plan of my own free will. I am frightened and desperate. I cannot get my life to go well,th way it was going 1 month, 2 months ago. i seem just determined to keep just slamming food -- not necessarily processed food but still slamming, using raw food as vengefully as I dare.... it is crazy -- i was so positive about taking a fast starting on Friday and tehn suddenly on Saturday I was -- just-- I could not see a way to have a tolerable day if I did not get sugarfree froyo. There was NO ALTERNATIVE. WHAT can take the place of the food high in my life???? WHAT???? ... Intimacy, I realize. With my current therapist intimacy is just about impossible since there is a power imbalance. I am scared of her and she is unpredictable and randomly withholds treatment and attention. True intimacy with her would be for me to slam the door and not look back. She simply refuses to connect with me. But then where would I be? OK, intimacy elsewhere. My temp sponsor is not good. He refuses to listen to me. OK. Friends in OA???? They resist me since I overburden them, and tehy themselves do not have the healing I need. WHERE am i supposed to find people to help me heal????
My plan going forward. Is. To stay on the raw only diet. I feel the need for "food gratification" and maybe this is the plan -- I am going to try to placate myself and resign myself to the "ultra-sober" diet by seeking out its loopholes and giving myself a couple of days at least of stabiliazation and "legal treats." I GUESS I can commit to raw only diet. it seems it could be tolerable. So -- I have made a plan fo rprogressivley longer fasts, a plan for real success with realistic postfast plans etc. and I should publish this in posts. But I am so overwhelmed. i have forgotten a million things I need to post and don't want to post but whatever. I guess more later.
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