Sat., Oct. 20: Last Sweet Processed Food Ever: Where is There Help For Me? ? ? ? by lauray Blog entry

Blog: Lauray's Fasting Blog
by lauray

Sat., Oct. 20: Last Sweet Processed Food Ever: Where is There Help For Me? ? ? ?

I am desperate. I despair of ever giving up processed food. I despair of ever getting sober or alkaline or fasting at length or eating lightly at length after a fast and so healing. Please help me. I am alone and cannot help myself.

Date: 10/20/2007 10:10:09 PM ( 17 y ) ... viewed 2481 times

PLEASE HELP ME -- PLEASE WRITE TO ME IF YOU CAN BE OF SUPPORT -- THANKS -- LAURAY

So I tried, half-heartedly and feeling unready and unwilling, to start my 60-hour fast, yesterday.

I made it 26 1/4 hours.

Then: horror. I counted out carefully my calorie excess, and went and ate what I was still "entitled to" for the day in sugar free frozen yogurt.

i told myself this is the last time i ever eat sweet processed food. And that's it. The last time ever of fro yo. The salty I cannot feel committed to giving up. ... And even the sweet I cannot really even now feel committed to giving up.

I need that mastery and affirmation and self-esteem from a perfect abstinence, no matter how much others shriek and scream at me for the "perfectionism."

I cannot handle ANY processed food at all.

But still I don't feel committed to a perfect abstinence from it.

I cannot stand this. i make myself so dysfunctional and such a loser on the processed food.

I have the thought that I should just give up Social Security and maybe that would force me into sobriety.

I am dangerously close to doing this. I am so scared.

I just want success and stardom and to get married to Owen Wilson RIGHT NOW. Poor Owen.

I found a pattern in my food diary.

I go on all raw vegan for about 2 weeks or a month and then relapse 1 meal or 1 day (2 meals) on processed food: either fro yo, dairy, or fried vegan frozen dinner foods (vegan "chicken" cutlets).

But HOW AM I TO GET OUT OF THIS?

I have the thought: I must use OA.

But will I ever find support in OA? Will I ever find support from any human being? I am FRANTIC.
I MUST GIVE UP ALL BUT GREEN LIVING FOODS AND I MUST FAST MYSELF ALKALINE OR I AM GOING TO DIE -- AND F*CKERS EVERYWHERE REFUSE TO SUPPORT ME GODDAMNED f**kING F*CKERS.

help. I can't write any more. Help.