Friday, Oct.19th, 2007: Starting 60-Hour Fast by lauray Blog entry

Blog: Lauray's Fasting Blog
by lauray

Friday, Oct.19th, 2007: Starting 60-Hour Fast

Experience the past 2 days and asking how to eat as lightly as I need to (VERY lightly) post fast

Date: 10/19/2007 9:11:13 PM ( 17 y ) ... viewed 1713 times

I don't want to make this post. I am too tired. I started a 60-hour fast today (last fast was 50 hours).
I started it in the bad way I have of starting fasts. All raw food but way too much at once.

I ate the entire day's food between 1 and 5 pm. Bloated, in agony, dysfunctional. Depressed, panic attack, it's the end of the world feeling.

This is one of the major bad habits I have got to stop.

I did MUCH better than usual post the 50 hour fast, monday and tuesday, part of weds., and ok on thursday. But weds. i bloated, and today, friday, I bloated myself. Ruining my life and keeping myself depressed, disconnected and disengaged every time i bloat. Each time I overeat. It is Compulsive. The overeating. Fasting lifts me out of the state of being compulsed to overeat.

The trap i can't fnd my way out of is being seized with a compulsion to eat all the calories I somehow have the idea I am "entitled" to eat in a day.

I am FURIOUS at f*cker, sick, body-raping western doctors for perpetuating this sick horrific myth of the body "needing" food... a fearful manipulative body-forcing raping violating notion that it is ok to f*ck-stuff a body with food when that body says NO.

I am also FURIOUS at having gotten SUCH a f*cking horrific response to a post I wrote on a fasting forum. This respondent, a chronically obese man bent on controlling all the others on the forum, belched at me that I HAD TA EET ENUFF BATWEEN FASTS (expressive misspellings mine). MY GOD -- THIS FEARFUL, BODY-VIOLATING WAY OF THINKING HAS JUST ABOUT ENDED MY LIFE. The MOST IMPORTANT THING for healing and even survival is for me to GET THE COURAGE TO EAT A SUFFICIENTLY*****SMALL****** AMOUNT TO ALLOW MY BODY TO HEAL, in between fasts. AND to refrain from eating AT ALL , AT ALL TIMES MY BODY OR MIND OR THE TINIEST PART OF MYSELF SAYS IT IS THE SLIGHTEST BIT UNCOMFORTABLE WIT EATING, FOR ANY REASON. OH GOD I AM FURIOUS. Oh my God I write a post that screams in pain that I AM A COMPULSIVE OVEREATER i.e. I CANNOT STOP RAPING MYSELF WITH FOOD and this f*cking a**hole sits there f*cking me with fude!!!!!!! What the f*ck?????? !!!!! Sitting there screaming at me YOU HAFFTA EET. ... I am screaming for help to REFRAIN FROM EATING ...... the overeating has taken my life away and given me a desperate, homeless, animalistic, depression- and anxiety-ridden existence... I desperately need to REFRAIN FROM OVEREATING .... to REFRAIN FROM EATING AT ALL to a great extent... and this f*cker like so many before him slams down on me gonna f*ck me with fude. F*ck him Oh my God I am furious.

Other than that -- I am bitter about fasting and grouchy. The worst of it is that I have measured my food dishonestly this week. So although I ran a "calorie defecit" from the fast and also the couple of days afterward, and was all raw, I am afraid I was over the calories I really should have -- want to have.

Maybe this will provide motivation to fast. i should go through my food diary and figure out the exact excess I have consumed. Make an honest estimate. Fine, no problem. .... I know this behavior is not fattening, does not compromise my 11-year maintained weight loss of 25 pounds; but it is NOT SAFE and NOT OK WITH ME and so it has got to stop.

I have heard from my fasting partners. It seems they both fasted longer than me. i feel so hurt and jealous. i feel like the stupid stooge. i have no willpower to be still and be aware of myself and others and really connect with others. I have no willpower to wait and be still and say at the appropriate moment what i REALLY feel. Everything is so vulnerable in me. i compulsively blurt everything and blurt stuff I do not even feel. i am terrrified to wait and be still and feel my real feelings.

if you meditate you will get what you want so I have got to meditate in my new life. The life I am going to arrange to accommodate fasting and its healing. I am putting everything else secondary since fasting creates sobriety for me and sobriety is the sine qua non of my having any sort of life in this world.

I had a powerful healing post this last fast. I m going to arrange my week and limit my activities so as to achieve this healing again, I hope achieve a new level.

The key and huge challenge is eating lightly ppost fast.
How am I going to do this?

My other challenge is how lonely and empty I am. Writing this I fel slightly better, an I wil post it on some forums. But the rawness, the coldness, the seeming closeness to death, that I am feeling, as the result of how I am living my life... with no job,, living on disaability.. being in school for art but part time...

i am sad cause this entry is not that comprehensible but maybe somebody will get it.
i just wish I could afford a decent life, a movie out.
i could maybe if I ate only the green living foods I ought to restrict my diet to... but lately I have been junking out in a raw way.. fruit and nuts.. expensive... I have been just trying to

... I have experienced some healing from anxiety and consequent loosening of my tight rigid terror of overeating ... I have not gone into overeating as a result of this... but I feel sort of less driven to be all raw and more accepting of urges to eat processed food. This is NOT GOOD. I need something REAL to keep me safe from overeating, to take the place of the fear. And I think the healing from anxiety is NOT what prompted the giving up on all raw (though I HAVE been all raw for a while now... it is that I entertain the notion of the processed food...)

... It is perhaps the case that now something in me has maxed out on fear and I am in fatigue now finally forced to set my diet based on my real reactions to foods -- not on things I hysterically fear... to be more reality-based.... however this is VERY DANGEROUS since I OOH GOD I AM IN SUCH DESPAIR -- I feel myself tempted to abandon my ideals for diet. Oh God please do not let me do this. no. i know I never will.

So.. I may have greater worries than overeating post fast ... BUT I need to really focus on that. i feel bitter and angry at the thought of giving up this habit. My one pleasure in life.

Thanks for reading and please respond!
Love,
Lauray