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I feel so sad and forever alone because guys never approach me and I don't understand. I am 5'6 and weigh 125 lbs and I don't think I am ugly. I have a babyface and since I am thin, some people think I look younger than my age (I am 21 but some people think I look 14!). I even one time ended up talking to a guy and he assumed I had a boyfriend, when I said no, he was in shock. He said I am a very beautiful girl and that he sees ugly women with bfs all the time. Strangers (both men and women) tell me I am pretty/beautiful. I don't go to bars or clubs.
However, I am never the girl that is approached for dates or for my number in public anywhere! Unless men only approach ‘easy women’, and I guess I would not be classified as ‘easy.’ One time a guy cold approached and hit on a girl by asking for her number while I was standing right in front of her. This really hurt my esteem because I never get this type of attention. I keep doubting my attractiveness and that there is a possibility that i am not as attractive because no guys ever approach me for dates or to hit on me. They only say I am beautiful in the street and keep walking or when I happen to be in a conversation with a guy, he will tell me I am beautiful. Or, once in a blue moon, I see a guy stare at me openly and it looks like he is about to approach me but he never does it. I once caught a random guy staring at me in a train station and he looked away in embarrassment.
I don't understand why guys aren't interested enough to approach me directly for my number or dates?
Lostintheworld, the above response is insightful and factual, on every level. Going onto dating sites will not solve whatever is going on because everyone on those sites is putting forth information that is typically untrue and designed to generate responses. Plentyoffish.com is a repulsive site where sexual "hookups" is the main goal. If you're interested in sex, only, save up your money and head to a well-managed bordello or "escort" agency and keep in mind that it's a business transaction regardless of how you might "feel" about the escort providing the services.
If it is a true relationship that you are seeking, I agree with the poster above and begin working on your Self (Self = soul or inner self). At your age, there is absolutely no reason to feel "lost in the world." This is the best time of your life because you have the energy and freedom to accomplish anything that you put your mind to, including rewiring your thinking, perceptions, beliefs, and self-esteem. Building up your own boundaries and working on whatever issues that you might have will not only benefit you, but attract a partner that will enhance your life, as you will enhance hers.
Speaking from a woman's point of view, it is not the man who is needy, desperate, easily-manipulated, or depressed that catches someone's attention unless she has her own dreadful issues, just as the poster mentioned, above. NOR is it a man who is overbearing, dismissive, abusive, arrogant, or heartless - what most grounded, balanced, and emotionally healthy women seek is a partner and companion who "gets it" about Life, living, and growing older and who realize that rabid sex isn't required as the basis of a healthy and long-lasting relationship. There are also women who seek men out with the belief that they will be provided a specific lifestyle, and they can be avoided by a strong, balanced, and centered man regardless of how attractive the women might be.
Slow down. Take stock of what your immediate vulnerabilities are - neediness; self-esteem; regret; control/anger issues.........whatever. And, just because you haven't "gone off" on someone for years does NOT mean that anger issues aren't present. I didn't argue with the second exspath because I was utterly codependent and I had multiple personal issues. The day that i discovered that he had used my income to finance his extremely deviant lifestyle was the day that all of my disappointments, neglect, dismissals, ridicule, and previous abuse erupted like a sleeping volcano, and I beat the absolute shit out of that man and was arrested and charged with domestic violence (later dismisssed). So......I kept everything down and never spoke my mind, but I was a seething cauldron of anger, fear, and sadness. So............take a close look at your vulnerabilities, start working on them one-at-a-time, and post back in a few months.
But, I would strongly discourage dating sites for anyone, not just you. People on dating sites have an agenda, and it is a rare event that people actually connect on a healthy level. And, healthy relationships are absolutely possible, but they must be earned, not purchased.
Good luck to you.
I am so sorry that you're having these experiences. You moved to a country in Europe to finish your studies? You did not move there for this man, am I correct?
It is not a bad thing to be emotional - feeling and empathy are things that can be very good for human beings. But, there's something causing you to want to break up after a disagreement or argument. Listen to your gut instincts.
Most long-distance relationships are fine for a while, but they cannot EVER reflect how healthy or unhealthy a full-time arrangment is going to be. It's always "new" to see the other person after a long separation, so it always seems like a honeymoon, of sorts. But, if there is this thought to end it after an argument, there must be some reason that you feel this way.
If he's not texting you or speaking to you, you've gotten your clues from him. That he is suggesting that you have some sort of personality disorder without being a licensed professional means that he could be projecting HIS issues onto you.
You're going to have to make your own decision about this relationship - are you willing to feel this way, all of the time, as if there's something about you that is broken or "wrong" just because someone else says that there is? Think long and hard about this, and then think about the things that you really deserve from a partner - like proximity, to begin with. Someone nearby that you'll be able to see in every mood and in every good and bad time of your life. HOW that person responds to you, your feelings, and your needs is very important. It's also important how you feel when you respond to his needs and his feelings.
There is no such thing as a perfect relationship, but there are healthy relationships, and toxic ones. You'll have to determine which type of relationship this is, and make your decision based upon facts and not upon emotions. It's a challenge, but it's important for your own well-being.
Best wishes to you.
Sites to check out:
www.180rule.com
www.familyarrested.com
I am very sorry that you're so sad, right now. There are a number of things to contemplate about this on-again-off-again relationship.
The most important thing to understand and "accept" is the fact that you are not responsible for the happiness, well-being, healing, or progress of another person. You are the only person that you can control, and that's all there is to it. You cannot "fix" whatever her issues might be anymore than you could "fix" the life cycle of the solar system.
Another thing to consider is that it appears that this woman has some toxicity issues. Again, you cannot "fix" those for her, either. Some people are simply toxic. Have you ever spoken to her ex, in person? If you haven't, then you only have her version of what happened and "being negative" is a very, very broad description. That could be as simple as saying that he didn't think that the color blue suited her, or as dire as beating the living shit out of her for putting the toilette paper roll on the roller the wrong way, and everything in between. So..........."negative" can mean a host of things.
It may be a wise option to go totally "No Contact" until you've had a chance to sort yourself out and determine what you are NOT going to tolerate and appreciate your own value, first. It just might be that you will come to realize that you deserve far, far better in a companion and partner than what this woman is able to share with you.
Brightest blessings to you - you'll sort this out in a way that you'll learn, grow, and set boundaries for yourself, and others.
I am so sorry to read of your terrible grief and your subject title asked for "advice." I cannot offer you any advice or answers as to whether you "should" or "shouldn't" do anything or whether the woman in question did the "right" thing or not. And, you cannot know what is the "right" thing for her do decide, either. Only she can make decisions for herself and her children, regardless of whether those decisions are "good" or "bad."
Have you ever met her husband? Have her sons described abusive behaviors? He forced her to have 2 abortions? There sounds like a lot of drama/trauma going on, here, and you are NOT responsible for any of it. You are not responsible for anyone else other than yourself and your own child, and you literally do not have the power or control to "save" or "rescue" anyone, even if it is done out of what you perceive to be "love."
It may be a very wise option to use this time for yourself and to sort out your own life, first, before entering into any committed relationship. You have your own child to consider and that child's needs must be met first because s/he does not have the capability to see to his/her own needs. Then, your recovery and healing needs to be primary after seeing to your child's needs.
If you don't sort out why you chose this particular type of partner, you will continue choosing the same type, again, and again, and they will seek you out to exploit your precious vulnerabilities, even if it isn't intentional. Your will spend the rest of your life with a shattered heart and always searching for someone else to piece it back together for you. Nobody can do that. Only time and your own efforts will mend your broken heart - depending upon someone else to fill the voids in our lives only leads to catastrophe, and I type this from personal experience.
Best wishes to you.
Wat? I seriously do not understand your post, on any level. Sex is the reason for divorce? Is that what you're typing? And, that circumsision has something to do with this theory? ROTFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sit in a Family Court, for a few days, listen and observe. Divorce rates are so high because of "No Fault" rules in nearly every State in the U.S. (48, I believe), and in Europe. This is a relatively "new" legal concept that was adopted about 60-70 years ago ostensibly to protect housewives from destitution and ruin if their husbands ran off with the secretary leaving them with no place to live, no income, and children to feed. The rule used to be that whoever earned the income owned the income, along with any properties purchase with the income. The rules were changes so that anyone could break the legal contract of marriage for any reason, and that all debts and assets would be evenly distributed between the two parties. So, one person could come home (and, this has, indeed, happened) to find that their spouse has moved out, taking every piece of furniture with them, and is filing for divorce because they don't like eating macaroni and cheese every Thursday.
"No Fault" was a good idea, in theory, but it didn't account for seriously bad behaviors (like fraud, sexual perversions, etc.) and this needs to be AMENDED - punitive damages for specific behaviors would cause many, many, many people to reconsider their actions before they make a legal error if there is money on the line. It's not about morals, ethics, or simple values, anymore, and the only thing that people seem to respond to is facing a financial consequence for the rest of their lives.
That is so true - the lawyers will be paid regardless of the negotiations or judge's rulings.
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