Lapis...don't know if this will 'click' with you or not...but when I read your post about the pain and anguish it reminded me of an experience I had. During a very deep meditation I had an image of a moth and flame...and a 'knowing' that this is the reason for our fear and fragmentation. Just as a moth is drawn to a flame...so we are drawn to light...but once we have entered it a 'death' occurs...and the litte 'i' (ego) is posititely terrified! The pain results from keeping ourselves so small...sad, huh?!