Re: Seeking advice

Thanks for your thoughtful response. You raise many vaild concerns all of which I think about often and become horrified about as well. I'll raise concerns with him and then somehow he always reassures me that things will change and I believe him.

I am on ok terms with the ex-wife. Don't see her that often, but we are always pleasant when she comes to pick up or drop off the kids. He tells me their marriage fell apart because she walked all over him during it and they fell out of love. He left her. I do question how he could leave when he had 2 small children, but I can understand too that fighting and hatred among parents can be just as unhealthy for children to grow up in.

She is frustrated and furious with him that he is living out of hotels too. The 2 night on and 2 night off custody decision was something they decided on years ago in court. He is a great father, but his credit was wrecked via the divorce and unemployment caused the rest. His parents send him money, which pays for hotel bill and rental car. I pay for all meals and some bills. I worry that his parents and myself are enabling his behavior by supporting him. I am not living with him. No, we are not married. I don't want to confuse the kids if it doesn't work out so I only stay with him the nights their activities, giving rides, etc. It is hard bc they always ask me to sleep over, come over, etc. And I do put a wall up so bc of my doubts about him...not them.

He does say all the time that he knows neither I nor his kids deserve this. He wants to do better and promises things will change. But they don't. Actions speak louder than words. The kids adore him and just are happy to be with him. He is involved in all their school activities, coaches all their teams and loves them back with all of him. He is just unable to get his finances together. He is trying now but I think a lot about how it may be too little too late.

I have a good job and great benefits. Not enough that I could support him, his children and another child though. But I could support myself and a child. Or I need to move on, date and find someone capable. It is just hard to think like that when I am love with him and want a life, a family with him - but can't see it because of his inability to get it together. We are both so totally opposite when it comes to financial responsibility, I don't know how I put up with it. I have had relationships in the past, but I guess none where I fell in love this hard and that is why I have put up with it for so long (albeit not without pain and frustration). I let him know of my doubts often which causes him to get defensive and then we fight. He tells me he is worried that he is ruining my life.

Now with my health and desire to be a mom, I feel like I do need to make some serious decisions. I think I put "love" above all else and felt like since we had that, it was worth fighting for and waiting, hoping and praying, for change. But maybe love isn't enough. I worry too about the guilt I will feel if I leave the relationship - bc he is in such a bad place. I would want to continue to see his kids, but seeing him would be hard. I feel at times like I am not strong around him bc my feelings run so deep and that is why I have tolerated such a situation for so long. He is smart and has and career success in his past - his divorce changed that and is just in a low place.

You are right though, I need to think of myself. I have never been great at ending relationships, especially when the reason is not the lack of loving someone, but realizing maybe that we had our chance and he did not make the most of the time that I was there, loving and supporting him. Any further thoughts you have would be welcomed. Thank you again.