Re: Another maddening M.O.

In my case, I could remember (verbatim) things that my perpetrator would say and do - almost a photographic image of the whole event.  Later, when things would "calm down" and appear to be on an even keel, I would attempt to bring up how simple words were damaging and repeat the scenarios, word-for-word and action-for-action.  I was always met with the same reaction, "I never said anything of the sort," or, "You need to get some stronger 'happy pills,' because I never said that."

It was during the final months that I was living with the perpetrator that I realized that there would be no helping this person, no middle ground, no reciprocation, and no hope of generating an emotionally progressive, healthy environment with this person.  I began to see my eldest son commit petty larceny by shoplifting whenever he went out with his father - the father would refuse to take any disciplinary action and said, "That's YOUR department."  A marital counselor that we were both seeing on an individual basis recommended that I begin preparing to leave, with or without my children, if necessary.

The most important aspect that I learned was that I was not responsible for propelling anyone towards any healing, helpful, progressive path - the only person that I could be responsible for was myself.  And, as I learned more about my perpetrator's true past, I was finally able to see the cycle and made the choice to step out of it.  He had fabricated the most pitiful childhood stories about his mother, and nearly everything that came out of his mouth was utterly invented.  The narcissist cannot be helped by the victim, a "friend," or even a savvy therapist unless he/she is ready to shed the cloak of deception, demonstrate 100% courage, and do the work that will help to free them from their own cycle of abuse/control - this is more than unlikely, for to attempt any of the above, it requires that the narcissist must admit to being flawed and to deliberately committing sins against other living beings.

As long as the nonNPD remains with the narcissist, it will be a constant battle of wills as per what is "right" and what is "wrong."  The narcissist will not admit to any wrongdoing, thus, we aren't really "living" with the perpetrator, rather, we are "existing" on the most primal level.  We eat, sleep, and exist and we are driven to believe that we've lost our minds.  I opted for the leap to life, lost everything that I ever owned, my children, and every "friend" that I ever had between us.  I don't regret one thing, except that I didn't fully explain to my divorce attorney the depths of my perpetrator's perversions and cruelty!