Re: What is an abusive narcissist and why do I only ever seem to get involved with them?

There ARE "nice" men out there, just as there are "nice" women. AND, there is no such thing as Prince Charming or Happily Ever After. Evolving into a strong, self-assured woman doesn't necessarily insure that one will never be the object for a narcissist, either! In fact, I know of one woman who holds a Ph.D in psychology and has been taken in by a couple of narcissists!

The narcissist is an individual (male/female) that mirrors the "good" qualities that they desperately lack in themselves. For instance, you are giving, loving, sensual, etc. The narcissist lacks these attributes. The giving will only be as good as you give. The pretense of "love" is only in reaction to the love that you express. The sex will only be as good as you are! They objectify other human beings, which is to say that they are unable or unwilling to empathize. The guise of emotions that they express are simply tutored behavior that they have learned by absorbing the reactions of others. A typical start to a relationship with a narcissist is a whilrwind romance with him/her responding like the "perfect" match. Once the bait has been set, the narcissist will begin to withold/reward as the victim gives them the sex, money, response that they are seeking. Any attempt by the victim to dispute their treatment is met with emotional, sexual, financial, physical, or spiritual abuse. My narcissist used to say, "In the Bible, it says that a woman will OBEY her husband." They will typically lie, cheat, etc., in order to satisfy their immediate needs, be they financial, sexual, tangible, etc. Most often, the victims of narcissists will believe themselves to be crazy as the narcissist seems, for all intents, to be reasonable, rational, and caring. However, one notable thing about a narcissist is their extremely limited network of friends. Get enough people together, and the narcissist finds it a challenge to keep up appearances that will satisfy everyone in the room. This behavior is a defense mechanism to deflect their own feelings of inadequacy, though it is, by no means, an excuse for the damage that they intentionally inflict upon others. They are clever enough to fool MOST therapists and counselors in that they have an ability to read other human beings and provide the desired or expected response: shock, dismay, remorse, shame, tears, etc.

There is a website that describes the narcissistic male, with red flags, that you might want to check out: heartlessbitches.com. In spite of the inference that this is a site by and for women that hate men, it's quite the opposite: this site is intended to aid women to grow a backbone, evolve into savvy human beings, and dispense with abuse (of all types), pronto.

There is also a book, "The Malignant Narcissist," which was authored by a narcissist. The most important thing that you can do for yourself, is to rely upon your Self, first and foremost, and approach any long-term relationship as a partnership and companionship, first. If you are great, trusting, honest friends to begin with, the rest that follows will only enhance the relationship.

Best of luck to you, my dear, and find your Self, first! Tweet