I really love everything you said. Yes, we must be similar. I wrote my mom a long letter (while sobbing) Saturday morning, and I told her she doesn't owe me anything. I don't owe her anything, and we can still love each other and have a relationship.
I brought up all the stuff you said in your post. I wasn't angry, just feeling sad. I said I was going to need to distance myself. Not to punish her, just to set some new limits.
It hurts so much because I don't want to hurt her - ever. I love her dearly. But so much of my family dynamics have screwed me up. I made the choice to heal (rather than treat others badly) . . . but I still want some recognition.
This isn't easy. I'm going to keep praying for strength.