Re: suicide solution

I have been in a similar situation. Actually, I was with the guy for 8 years. Supported him finacially. Helped him have the courage to follow his dreams. Gave up my own. We moved to Taiwan. He had studied Chinese in college and I had no experience with the language. We moved there so he could continue going to school. I got a job teaching English. That first year he all but abandoned me. Finally after about 9 months of hell (and anxiety/depression/thoughts of suicide) I told him I couldn't live that way.

I wanted to go to marriage counseling, he wouldn't. I was trying to control something that I couldn't (another person). I had thoughts of suicide that would pop into my head relentlessly. I was obsessed with all of my pain. And, I didn't think it was a good solution, but I was in a crazy state. I lost about 30 pounds in a month and a half. I would wake up with my heart beating 130 beats a minute (my resting pulse is generally under 60). My roommates, who we new in America had moved there to live with us, kept telling me to get out.

My ex had a friend, his language partner that started to be more and more of an issue. She spent more and more time with him. I spent less and less. I don't think it had reached the levels it could have, but I know that he was getting into an emotional relationship with her if nothing else. One day all hell broke loose. I decided that I couldn't take it anymore. I didn't try to commit suicide. Instead, I told him that he had to make a choice. He said, "it's over" and then I said many explicatives:)

Now, I never thought divorce was a good thing. But, at that point I realized that you need to be with the one you are with. You can't make them do what you want. If they don't want to be in the realtionship, you can't force them. And if they are not compatible, then find a better option. Two weeks after I moved out, I said aloud, "I can't believe he did this to me." A wise friend said, "STOP. The only way he continues to hurt you is because you are letting him." That kicked me in the butt when I needed it most.

You have to make the choice to move on. It is a mature reaction. Confront the situation rather than taking the easy way out. I found that I started to realize that this was the best thing that would ever happen to me. Though there was a grievance period because he was my first and only boyfriend to that point. I decided that I needed to strenghten my identity. I stayed in my room for about 3 months straight when I wasn't working. I just wrote, read, worked out and generally re-centered. After three or so months, I started to socialize again.

And do you know what? I had the best year of my life! I often think back on that year fondly. I know it is a loss, you love her, but if she doesn't want to be with you, it is not a good situation for either of you. Decide to be strong. You are not a bad person from what I can tell. And, relationships can be re-forged. If you can't picture yourself with anybody else, can you picture yourself as an independant, happy person that she may be attracted to in the future?

Just move forward. If you feel bad about not having a job, get a job. Work at becoming a complete person. And, if you haven't ever read Shel Silverstein's book, "The Missing Piece" do it. It is a children's book that is very suited for adults. You need to make yourself whole, rather than trying to find your missing piece. Eventually, when you have finished this journey, you will find yourself in a relationship with another complete person. We can't control others, we can just choose to respect them. And, we shouldn't let others torture us mentally either, they should respect us as well! Don't stand for less.

I don't know if this will help, but you have the power to resolve this. It might be hard to locate, but start a list. What do you want in a relationship? What do you expect (minimum)? What things outside of the relationship do you think you want to work for? What type of volunteer work would you like doing? Who are your best friends in the world (even if it is Jay that you haven't seen since third grade)? Can you get in touch with those friends? Do you want to travel someday? Where would you go? Why? What things are you interested in that you don't know much about? How can you learn about them? Right now is a time for you. You can experience so much... and it can be a wonderful journey.

I wish you the best. Limiting behavior is limiting, think of the endless possibilities for hapiness that you would be open to if you decided to stop the limiting behavior... There is plenty of good stuff out there if you chose to make an effort toward the unknown. Change is hard, but change is invigorating too. Tweet