Re: Abused as a child

I too was sexualy abused by an older brother (when I was about 5 or 6 years old). And I'm a male. We shared the same bedroom. When it happened, I thought it was a dream. When I realized that it was real, I froze, and kept my eyes closed out of fear. It consisted of fondling my genitals, wasn't painful, but on a basic level of humanity, I knew it was wrong, very wrong.

Knowing that I've had the experience of sight while keeping my eyes closed, helped me appreciate that, on some level, I know who did it.

For years, I thought it might be my sister (who was somewhat of a nyphomanic when she was younger), or my mother (who was also a little too attracted to me- and this information came from my first girlfriend). It wasn't until a few weeks ago, that I KNEW it was my brother. We have a non-relationship that rivals Cain and Abel. He violated me physically when I was 15, and just starting to lift weights. On two seperate occasions, he (unprovoked, I might add) began punching me, and in an obviously nonplayful way. Because we shared the same bedroom, and I knew my parents would do nothing, I chose to shut down, and did not speak to my brother for over a year! This has pretty much continued to this day (almost 40 years later).

This has wreaked havoc on my love life. I have a morbid fear of being vulnerable. I don't trust people. I fear them intensely. This has lead to a very damaged life, including dropping out completely at one point, being "homeless", and living on the street for 12 years!

Right now, I subsist on SSI, and have not been able to receive the rehabilitation I need to recover from this outrage (due primarily to a lack of funds).

Thank you all for giving me the opportunity to express myself.

I wish you, and others who have been similarly abused, a speedy and effective recovery.