Re: I thought I was healing...but NO!

I didn't read all of the responses, and I "couldn't" respond to this message due to my own personal issues, and I apologize for that - I hope that you're still checking this forum.

What you have experienced is not uncommon, nor are you isolated.  It takes time and hard "work" to move forward from damaging experiences, it really does.  I would strongly suggest that you consider contacting your local domestic abuse/rape hotline and arrange for some counseling - most of these centers provide counseling therapy at no charge to victims. 

Speaking from my own personal experiences, without good, strong, and productive emotional healing, I have made some very harmful choices throughout my lifetime that were based upon fear and shame.  Until I address these issues, I cannot (and, WILL NOT) ever be able to cultivate a healthy relationship with other people, let alone another man.

You are not alone.  You have the ability and desire to heal yourself - you really do!  Just by putting it out there on this forum is an indication that you want to heal.  Take those steps to end the cycle, dear one.  You are unique in all of the world.  You are a valuable human being.  Don't allow the acts of another person determine who you "should" be. 

Brightest healing blessings to you.